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To think this is ex DHs last bit of control

(125 Posts)
Thenitnurse Fri 06-May-16 09:08:55

He pays maintenance every friday. The same amount for the last four years.

Yet every single week without fail I have to text him and remind him to pay it in. 5 minutes after i've text him he'll pay it in and reply 'done'.

If I don't text and ask he doesn't pay it until I do.

Since he's been paying it now for four years I doubt he just forgets.

I've tried being nice, for 6 months I just text 'money please', I sent funny memes about waiting for child support, I've tried asking to set up a DD (not possible as he pays it out of different accounts apparently). I've tried leaving it and not asking, it doesn't get paid until I do.

AIBU to think this is his last bit of control, that basically he gets some kick out of making me ask for the fucking money every week?

sooperdooper Fri 06-May-16 09:12:07

God how tiresome - yes he could easily set up a dd, that is comes from different accounts is his problem to sort out not yours

Akire Fri 06-May-16 09:13:50

Hell yes! Stop asking! If he dosnt pay go through CSA and get them to sort it out. He's making you beg every week - or you throw a stick then he gets his ass in gear. If he's been controlling in the past this makes him feel like he's winning....

ElspethFlashman Fri 06-May-16 09:14:55

He doesn't make you ask for it, he makes you beg for it.

I'd stop. If you have any money at all to tide you over.

Does he work for someone else? Can you ask the CMA to take it out at source, from his paycheck?

Minniemagoo Fri 06-May-16 09:17:22

I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of going through CSA and letting him know how it makes you feel. The worst thing you can do to an ex like that is to live well and not give him the head space. Set up a text reminder on your phone for 9am every Friday and forget about it.

BaronessBomburst Fri 06-May-16 09:17:54

What a pathetic thing to do!

sooperdooper Fri 06-May-16 09:20:19

I don't think going through CSA would give him satisfaction - I'd just do it actually and not even tell him, just contact them and let them deal with him, would you be better off if they calculated the payments too?

Akire Fri 06-May-16 09:21:09

Why would CSA give him satisfaction? I think if anything it would pee him off because he has to be all grown up and sort payments not waiting for a text before he does something.

CSA can use baliefs to collect debts owned maybe they would be a better reminder?

Thenitnurse Fri 06-May-16 09:21:19

I'm not going to the CSA, no benefit to anyone once fees etc have been paid.

I've spoken to him until I'm blue in the face, he just says 'oh yeah sorry will get it sorted', nothing changes

I spoke to his wife about it, was told 'well he is very busy you know, i'm sure he's not doing it on purpose'

Text reminder is a good idea! Thats pretty much what I did with the 'money please' text for ages. Always the same 'done' message back.

Its infuriating

Akire Fri 06-May-16 09:22:40

Or don't ask if he asks later say your new boyfriend is more than generous so you hadn't noticed (while going through CSA) he be tripping over himself to pay on time to show how manly he is!

Thenitnurse Fri 06-May-16 09:23:21

CSA charge a fee and take a percentage from ex.

It wouldn't be worth it given he does actually pay it each week as long as I text and remind him.

Not sure how long he would go without paying it, i've left it until a monday before. That time I got a 'oh shit yeah sorry, done' reply

Helmetbymidnight Fri 06-May-16 09:24:18

No don't say that.

Set up a text reminder thing if you can.

He sounds like a shit.

BillSykesDog Fri 06-May-16 09:27:59

It's annoying, but in the grand scheme of things not that much to worry about. It can only really bother you if you let it.

Akire Fri 06-May-16 09:28:38

if it bothers you that much and it should , how can you forget for 208 weeks on the trot???? Does he have a complex brain injury?

If say I'm sick of reminding you I think 4 y is long enough this is last time. Please take 5m to set up DD or we get CSA to do the reminding for you. How old are your kids you could be doing this for years and years and years

StormyBlue Fri 06-May-16 09:30:07

I also came to suggest that you find a way to set up an automated text or email so you can forget about it and get on with your life. There's a satisfying 'fuck you' about doing that as well.

blindsider Fri 06-May-16 09:30:41

send him a text everyday and see if he pays it - Its just boring and if I was him getting a text every week would piss me off. He should just set up a standing order. Who pays every week? surely once a month is enough?

Thenitnurse Fri 06-May-16 09:33:44

Youngest is 5. So another 13 years?!

ElspethFlashman Fri 06-May-16 09:34:27

Stop texting him.

So you waited until a Monday before but then you gave in. Don't do that again. Like I said, if you have any spare cash, then stop texting. You can presume he won't pay and try to budget accordingly.

It's a game of chicken and you crack every time. He must be seriously getting his jollies.

Thenitnurse Fri 06-May-16 09:34:30

He gets paid weekly so pays on payday. That should be enough of a reminder?!

QuiteLikely5 Fri 06-May-16 09:35:30

You are right, this is his tiny bit of control and he seems to enjoy it.

It says much about him and also demonstrates you are so lucky to be apart from him!

Money is important though so I would suck it up! smile

Akire Fri 06-May-16 09:36:16

His wife sounds a right catch, any partner of mine who needed reminding to pay for his kids every week would get kick up ass.

ratspeaker Fri 06-May-16 09:36:38

"This is your weekly reminder text. You have children they need to eat."

LadyReuleaux Fri 06-May-16 09:38:19


I agree just set up something that does it automatically for you.

My STBX uses "I forgot" as an excuse and can forget the same thing thousands of times over a period of many years hmm It's bloody infuriating but you have to detach and not give him the satisfaction of you getting riled.

t4gnut Fri 06-May-16 09:38:35

Yup its a power thing. He's deliberately being a dick because he knows it annoys you.

AdoraBell Fri 06-May-16 09:39:02

If you don't want to go through CSA just set up the text as suggested and ignore his reply. It doesn't matter what his reply is unless it is threatening. Just send your text and then check your bank to make sure it's been paid. Provided it has who cares what he texts in reply?

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