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Feeling like Dp isn't making the effort anymore

(12 Posts)
Namechangedforadvicenow Thu 05-May-16 20:29:47

Posted elsewhere but didn't get any responses so trying here.

So i'll just jump straight into this. (Sorry this is long and also reading this back I'm aware of how juvenile this sounds)

DP and I live a few hours away so only get to see each other on weekends, we've been together a few years.
I was sexully assaulted and attacked 5 months ago (it happened in another country) he's usually supportive and has helped me a great deal, it's not been easy but I was in an ok place up until two weeks ago when I had to spend the weekend in said country (family visit)

I know I've been really anxious and needy since I've come home so I think I could be overreacting and this might be really petty, my heads a bit all over the place so I genuinely have no clue as to if I'm being too hard on him or not.

I was really anxious about the trip and it was pretty horrible when I was there (panic attacks and flashback ect) he was pretty busy all weekend so he wasn't available when I called or text him (this isn't what this is about, it just hurt.)

Anyway he invited me over the weekend after but I really couldn't face travelling and people at that time so we didn't see each other that weekend, he made different plans and came over on bank holiday Monday but not for long.

So this week he's invited me to an event with a few of his friends on a Friday night, I've been a bit unsure because I still don't feel myself but I haven't really seen Dp properly and I know he'd leave with me if it was too much and I know his friends that are going and like them so I have been leaning on the side of going but still not sure.
Then he invited me to a different event Saturday night, he said he was seeing old friends all day Saturday but would like to go to this event with me in the evening.
I had no idea he was seeing friends on the Saturday when he invited me on Friday so if I had gone on Friday I would have met up with him in the late evening gone to the event stayed over and then would have had to leave in the morning (considering it's such a long way, I feel a bit hard done by by this) (these are different friends who I don't know and would be awkward for me to go since and I'm really not into meeting new people right now, which he knows hence why I wasn't invited)
And by inviting me to Saturday event he's essentially uninviting me on Friday because I wouldn't be able to just go home Saturday morning while he see's his friends come back later Saturday evening.

Are you still with me?

So I said I still wasn't 100% sure about going right now because I'm still anxious and then he asked if I would be mad if he invited the friends he's going out with on Saturday to the event Saturday night. So now I wont be seeing him at all this weekend.

I just burst into tears and I don't know what to say, I feel like he's just not making an effort with me anymore.
And my head is so over the place I'm just not sure if I'm being petty and this actually isn't a big deal, I just could really do with some advice right now.

Namechangedforadvicenow Thu 05-May-16 20:47:42


HermioneJeanGranger Thu 05-May-16 20:58:19

I'm really sorry you were assaulted flowers

I don't think your DP has done anything wrong, though. He just wants to see you, and see his friends together. I don't think you can expect him to only see people you know when you're together - it's very limiting for him especially as you're long distance.

Are you getting counselling/therapy?

Namechangedforadvicenow Thu 05-May-16 21:07:54

Yeah I guess that's true, I'm just not feeling going out and meeting new people right now. I guess I just want to be selfish and have him to want to spend the weekend indoors with me. I am having counselling and it has been helping.

whois Thu 05-May-16 21:12:12

Well I think if your partner is assaulted you might make a bit of effort to prioritise them over your friends for 1 weekend.

Dancingintherainnrr Thu 05-May-16 22:02:41

Didn't want to read and run that must be hard having to deal with that. Putting myself in your position I think it's your dp that is being selfish, he should be able to see his friends but considering the circumstances I think you're right to be hurt. I would try voicing this and see what he says

ItsMeTheMummy Thu 05-May-16 22:25:06

So sorry for what you have been through flowers

I agree with most posters, in the circumstances your DP should make time for you. In fact I especially agree with Dancingintherainnrr.

Have you told him how you feel? Does he know that you wanted to spend the weekend together, just the two of you? I can't remember if you mentioned if you'd expressed your disappointment at his plans to him. One thing I've learnt since meeting my DH is that he really doesn't read my mind and I often need to spell it out to him. He's gotten a lot better but whatever I say he believes, for example the old 'I'm fine', only recently has he started to pick up on the tone and know that I'm not fine iyswim.

HermioneJeanGranger Fri 06-May-16 05:02:21

I really sympathise OP but being honest with yourself - will it be like this every weekend? I can understand not wanting to go out in a big crowd but surely you don't expect him to sit indoors with you for three says straight?

icklekid Fri 06-May-16 05:14:03

Sounds very frustrating for you. Are these conversations and plans taking place via text or over the phone? Only that I think speaking to each other is probably helpful in this circumstance. He says what do you think about his friends from sat joining sat night and even you pausing, and the tone of your voice will show that you are disappointed. He should then respond accordingly. However some men don't as a previous poster has pointed out. I don't think it is wrong to ask him to clarify he doesn't want to see you Friday night or Saturday with these friends and therefore by inviting them on Saturday night he doesn't want to see you then either? Or is it that he would be quite happy for you to be there sally of that time but because you don't know them you don't feel comfortable?

I know you want to focus on this weekend however if he has plans (that you don't want to join which is fine) can you see other friends and invite him to come to you next weekend so you have something to look forward to?

Long term you need to be able to be open and honest with each other about how much you want to see each other (alone and with friends) and if your expectations are dramatically different either compromise or move on.

QforCucumber Fri 06-May-16 05:30:43

Would you have to go home? Does he have his own place? Could you not go to his on the Friday,stay the full weekend but him still go out on the Saturday daytime?

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow Fri 06-May-16 06:00:01

Yes that is what I was thinking. Why do you need to come home? Can you not stay at his place between the events?

But that's beside the point. The crux of the matter is how did he react when you cried? Was he sympathetic, exasperated, indifferent? It's hard for him to understand just how nervous and jittery you feel after such a horrible event but if he were an empathetic sort of person he would be making an effort to do so.

Pseudo341 Fri 06-May-16 07:09:05

It's possible it hasn't quite sunk in yet just how much you're struggling after your trip. He thought you were on the mend and just hasn't registered how big a set back you've had. I think you need to talk to him about it.

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