I'm a horrible jealous person

(44 Posts)
pxmx Thu 05-May-16 12:22:56

I already know that i am but I can't help it, I don't even know why I'm posting really. My sis is pregnant I knew & was delighted for her however, she went for her first scan today & has found out its twins. I'm still obviously delighted for her but I'm also insanely jealous & just want to cry.
We have been trying for years been through one failed round of ivf & have 2 blastocysts in the freezer to go again. This will be our final shot all our eggs are currently in the freezer waiting to be put into the one basket as it were. Twins is everything I've ever dreamed of my absolute best case scenario, obviously any baby would be amazing for us but twins really is my dream.
I know I'm a horrible person but I feel like she has everything I ever wanted & I just want to cry & cry. This is a rant more than anything because I know that I abu & a cow. sadthanks to anyone that read this far.

BoopTheSnoot Thu 05-May-16 12:24:49

You're not a cow. You're going through a highly emotional and draining process that holds no guarantees.
Any news like this is bound to be very bittersweet. Give yourself a break, you're only human flowers

AnnaMarlowe Thu 05-May-16 12:29:11

You are not a cow. Have your cry and get it out. You are allowed to feel how you are feeling. flowers

Then plaster a smile on your face for speaking to your sister. She's going to need support when her babies are born. If you can't be a mum
right now then perhaps you can be the world's best Auntie.

GinaBambino Thu 05-May-16 12:29:35

You're not a cow or a horrible person. You're going through a lot right now and have a lot to think about and this is just something else to add on top of it all.
flowers and <hugs> for you. I hope everything goes well for you x

MatildaTheCat Thu 05-May-16 12:32:22

flowers

Not a horrible person at all. Just a sad one. We all have our limits, you know and I'm sure your dsis feels guilty as well which is also not necessary but part of what makes us human.

Botchit Thu 05-May-16 12:33:23

Of course you feel jealous and upset, you're human! Let yourself cry and cry then pick yourself up and brush yourself off. You have do do this to allow yourself to be happy in other areas of your life and to enjoy the twins when they arrive. Good luck OP.

homeiswheretheginis Thu 05-May-16 12:33:38

You're not a cow at all. I really feel for you, it must be terribly hard.

Pinkheart5915 Thu 05-May-16 12:34:14

Your not horrible, it must be a time of mixed emotions for you I imagine IVF is tough to deal with and then your sis is pregnant and the world seams unfair.

Plaster on a smile and don't let your sister see the jealousy you feel. I bet your be a lovely auntie once the twins arrive. Everyone needs help when the babies first arrived so I'm sure she would welcome any help you want to offer when the time comes.

I hope your final go at IVF has good happy results for you flowers cake

Kn33 Thu 05-May-16 12:35:50

Not a cow by any stretch of the imagination. I already have a 2 year old DD and am insanely jealous of my 2 sister in laws who are both pregnant because I want another.
So can't even imagine how you must feel. And feel rightly might I add x

pxmx Thu 05-May-16 12:44:12

Thank you all for the lovely replies star I'm sat at my desk trying really hard not to cry. I live in a different country to sis so all news is on the phone, I tried really hard to sound as happy for her as I possibly could this morn but My instant reaction was my stomach just dropping.sadI can't help feeling this way & that's the worst part, I feel like a cow for even thinking this way. I can't wait to get home this eve & have a bloody good cry & the only plus side of me not being pregnant a huge glass of wine.wine

Snoringlittlemonkey Thu 05-May-16 12:46:08

You are not a cow. You're human. I felt the same way when I went through multiple miscarriages. I thought 'why does everyone else get to have a lovely baby when I keep losing mine'sad

Are you getting much family support? Is there anyone you can talk to about how you feel? Getting it out sometimeso helps.

idontlikealdi Thu 05-May-16 12:51:20

Absolutely not a cow. Rant away.

My dis is about to undergo round 4 of if and I have twins. I think she's finding it hard to be around us at the moment and I get it so we back off and are there when she wants.

It's shit.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Thu 05-May-16 12:51:39

No you're not a horrible person. Yes you're jealous, of course you are. It's only natural.
I recall the jealousy and inferiority I felt when 3 of my close friends were pregnant at the sametime, and I didn't even want anymore children at the time. I showed not one iota of interest. I think they thought I was going to be fussing around them. I didn't care and I didn't have to., so I can only imagine the heartache you're feeling.
I sincerely hope things work out for you.
flowers

sminkypinky Thu 05-May-16 12:56:40

You're not a cow at all.

I was the same with a friend who had successful IVF when I was going through fertility treatment myself. I know exactly what you mean about the stomach dropping feeling, every time I heard someone else was pregnant I felt exactly the same. It's totally normal for you to feel like you are doing flowers

Good luck with your IVF flowers

AyeAmarok Thu 05-May-16 12:57:46

You're not a cow at all. This is entirely and completely understandable.

I really hope you get some positive news with your IVF.

flowers

Idliketobeabutterfly Thu 05-May-16 13:01:57

Not a cow at all. I had huge problems having my son (8 yr fertility journey) and three years into trying my sister and brother in law had a baby. No matter how pleased I was for them it was the hardest thing ever. Lots of tears were shed away from them. It was very hard.
Even harder when her sister was born five years later too. Hardest thing ever to be pleased for them when all you want is the same.

ShebaShimmyShake Thu 05-May-16 13:03:45

Jealousy is not evil, it's human. You'd have to be a sociopath not to feel envious of your sister in this situation, or at least not want kids much. There's nothing wrong with feeling jealous, it only matters what you do with the feeling, and I can't imagine you'll do anything to upset your sister.

Good luck with your treatment and be kind to yourself. You're going through enough as it is.

pxmx Thu 05-May-16 13:11:23

Thank you all again so much for your lovely replies, they have really helped. I think I'm even more emotional because we waiting to start our next round of ivf to give my body a chance to recover from the last. I was completely screwed up after the whole thing so whilst I know that a break is the right thing it feels like what ever chance We have of a happy ending is getting further & further away whilst, sis's happy end is getting closer & closer.
But thank you all I don't feel better about the way I feel but I do at least now know that I'm not a complete bitch to feel this way.

diddl Thu 05-May-16 13:12:51

You're only "a cow" if you're nasty to her about it I would say.

She has no more control over what has happened to her than you have over what has happened to you.

puglife15 Thu 05-May-16 13:14:16

flowers it's possible to feel happy for someone and sad for yourself, don't beat yourself up. It would be weird if you WEREN'T upset.

Within 2 weeks of my missed miscarriage 3 friends announced their pregnancies, I was delighted for them but also shed a lot of tears over it. It's completely normal the way you are feeling.

pxmx Thu 05-May-16 13:16:43

I would never be nasty to her diddl but I feel like I can't be as happy as I should be because of what we have been through, which makes me sad. I hope with all my heart that everything works out for her & she has a happy healthy pregnancy & babies.
I just can't help being jealous & sad at the news.

pxmx Thu 05-May-16 13:17:15

I would never be nasty to her diddl but I feel like I can't be as happy as I should be because of what we have been through, which makes me sad. I hope with all my heart that everything works out for her & she has a happy healthy pregnancy & babies.
I just can't help being jealous & sad at the news.

pxmx Thu 05-May-16 13:18:20

Sorry phone playing up double posting !

AnythingGoesWithMe Thu 05-May-16 14:50:28

Could you tell her how you feel?
It's not the same but a friend told me she was pregnant a month after I'd suffered a late miscarriage. I told her to give me time, I would be happy for her but right now all I could feel was that it wasn't fair and I was very upset.
She was understanding, not completely about it all but I think your sister would hopefully be different.

pxmx Thu 05-May-16 15:19:38

Anything I don't think that I will be able to talk to her, I can't think of a way to say how I feel without raining on her parade, which I obviously don't want to do. I don't want her to be worrying about me at a time that she should be on top of the world. I don't know how to speak to my parents without breaking down either. I think I'm going to just stick to texts for a few days while I quietly get a grip of my emotions because at the moment I can't even think about it without wanting to cry. The thought of telling people my sis is pregnant with twins & the reaction it will get is making me feel sick, I'm just clearly not strong enough for it now.

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