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To not buy a wedding present?

(134 Posts)
oaktreebloom Thu 05-May-16 09:39:50

DH is one of 5 ushers at a friends wedding and the costs are just adding up. The wedding is over a bank holiday in in Cornwall so a significant distance from us and most friends and family who are based in and around Manchester.

So costs so far:
-Going to the engagement party
-DH has already been on the European stag.
-DH is driving the groom down a few days before the wedding on his request which means that I have to get a train as I don't have the holiday to take to go up early with them.
-Cost of 4 nights accommodation in Cornwall on a bank holiday.
-They are having a pre-wedding party the night before then a big pub meal the day after.
-DH has just been shopping with the groom and other ushers for suits where the groom announced that they would all have to pay for their own suits, which the groom gets to pick, which look to be £350-450!!

They have asked for a cash donation towards their honeymoon in an exotic location and I wouldn't normally entertain not buying a gift but considering the high costs of all the other aspects AIBU to think that a nice card and perhaps a token gift is acceptable in the above situation? Or should we just suck it up and stick £50 in a card whilst gritting our teeth?

RandyMagnum Thu 05-May-16 09:41:53

I'd get them a card, no cash, no token gift.

Cocochoco Thu 05-May-16 09:41:56

Does your dh have to go to everything? Can he bow out of being an usher?

Mcchickenbb41 Thu 05-May-16 09:44:32

Omg what is it with weddings these days. There's so much pressure on guests to participate and spend a small fortune in the process. It's been lost what it's truly about sadly.

Ruthiesj Thu 05-May-16 09:45:29

That is a pricey celebration! I

Also, I know this wasn't the main point, but 'm not sure why your DH is having to drive the groom down several days beforehand though? That sounds like an unreasonable request (on top of the suit costs, which are crazy), especially as it leaves you having to get the train.

Mcchickenbb41 Thu 05-May-16 09:47:17

Buy them sun cream wink

Oysterbabe Thu 05-May-16 09:48:11

For me it would depend on my financial situation. I'd probably end up giving them £50 tbh. But no yanbu.

MackerelOfFact Thu 05-May-16 09:52:59

I've never heard of groomsmen having to pay for the purchase of an expensive suit of the groom's choosing! That's outrageous. He needs to speak to the groom and set a budget. £350 is a fortune for a suit that he probably won't be able to wear to anything else, since 4 of his mates will have the identical ones. Can't they hire?

I wouldn't give more than a token gift. What is the local currency in the country they're visiting? If it's something Could you pop a few of those in an envelope? 500 Thai Baht is about £10, for example!

MackerelOfFact Thu 05-May-16 09:53:38


*If it's something with a low value compared to the pound...

Fratelli Thu 05-May-16 09:56:08

Yanbu at all! I'm so sick of all the entitled brides and grooms! It's like they think their wedding day is the most important thing in everyone else's lives! I would also speak to the groom and say 350 is outrageous!

icanteven Thu 05-May-16 09:56:26

The groom needs a serious talking to about the suits. That's utterly ridiculous.

Maybe you should tell him that you can get lovely smart and almost (!) trendy suits in M&S for £99, and that as his ushers are forking out about £1k each so far on this wedding, wouldn't it be a nice gesture to pay for them himself.

BillSykesDog Thu 05-May-16 09:57:59

I think you need to take up the cost of the suit with them.

But not giving a present is just rude.

MyKingdomForBrie Thu 05-May-16 09:59:09

Beyond rude that they expect you to pay for the suit, I would be so pissed off. I'd still give a present though, because I'd feel it was rude to make a fuss about money!

CurlyBlueberry Thu 05-May-16 10:00:36

Never heard of paying for a suit the groom has chosen. I'd say they can have that in lieu of a cash present! I would still buy something small to give as a gift though, personally, like a nice-looking £5 photo frame or similar.

SellFridges Thu 05-May-16 10:01:24

I was about to say YABU until the bit about paying £400 for a suit. The rest is semi normal wedding stuff, especially for someone who is being a part of the wedding.

Is challenge them on the suits - we bought suits for our ushers and asked that they wear them with their own white shirt and shoes. I think that's more reasonable.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret Thu 05-May-16 10:01:49

That is ridiculous. I'm convinced that the rise in celeb culture and the ott lifestyles over the media is the reason so many people are apeing this 'lifestyle'. I wouldn't buy a present if I were you.
FWIW my DH and I had a lovely wedding somewhere v beautiful that 95% of our guests could reach within a 20 min drive. Those who couldn't could stay at our house. We didn't have any dress codes, bridesmaids etc. No pre wedding meals, post wedding events, no wedding presents we just wanted fun.

mix56 Thu 05-May-16 10:03:59

your DH, is going to have to say no, you CAN'T afford it.
He can hire a suit, & drive you down, yes it will mean he misses some of the incredibly long pissing it up. Probably no bad thing.

BillSykesDog Thu 05-May-16 10:04:45

Renting suits is cheap and they can pay for it. That's what's usually done.

IceMaiden73 Thu 05-May-16 10:06:06

Why can't they hire suits? Buying them for a one off event is crazy

CocktailQueen Thu 05-May-16 10:07:45

Can't they hire a suit? That's ridiculous. Never heard of ushers buying their own suits. FFS. Wedding sounds ridiculous.

EssentialHummus Thu 05-May-16 10:07:49

DH has just been shopping with the groom and other ushers for suits where the groom announced that they would all have to pay for their own suits, which the groom gets to pick, which look to be £350-450!!

This is mad. DH / you need to sit down with the groom and explain that this is beyond your means. They want bespoke suits, they can bloody pay for them.

I'd give a card / something small off Not On The High Street in the circumstances.

I'm getting married soon and wouldn't dream of these kinds of antics - I'm amazed that friends are invested enough in our wedding to fly over from their homes in Europe to be here with us.

Cressandra Thu 05-May-16 10:08:23

Totally see where you're coming from, but it would be more politic to call them on the rising costs, perhaps with the suits. Say you're paying £x for 4 nights' accommodation plus the stag do, c'mon this is a bit much.

Even if your DH ends up paying for the suit, he can talk it down to either hiring one or spending say £200. Then you can bung a token amount for the gift and still save overall.

Onedaftmonkey Thu 05-May-16 10:11:19

Get them some Sun cream and a nice card. Ffs you've spent enough as is.

rogueantimatter Thu 05-May-16 10:14:02

Engagement party, very expensive stag do, another stag do, post-wedding meet; ridiculous IMO. Why does he expect your DH to spend a small fortune on this? Is he clueless about money/your financial situation? Does he think that they're all such good friends that your DH is pleased to spend a fortune as your DH will naturally want to spend loads of time in this group and have a great time? Oh dear.

I wouldn't give him any money for a honeymoon. If he can afford to have a stag do in Europe he clearly isn't hard up.

What does your DH think about it all?

What was your wedding like? - Did your DH's friend pay for a suit, expensive stag-do etc?

shoeaddict83 Thu 05-May-16 10:15:08

Ridiculous! Why do people think they are entitled to these demands just because its their wedding day?

Were going abroad, no ushers/Bm's, if people want to join us they can as their holiday and we'll happily pay for their meal/drinks etc on the day so they can celebrate with us, but equally we know its expensive and dont expect any guests bar our parents who have already said they are joining us!. Would never dream of asking someone to be in my wedding party then order them to pay for a ridiculously expensive suit! What a joke!

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