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To not want my DC to meet the "new family"

(9 Posts)
Dollygirl2008 Wed 04-May-16 10:17:06

Sh*t year - there are historical posts but in a nutshell, OH left after 24 years for another woman and her (several) children last September. He's left her twice (only for a couple of days) but seems to have decided that's where he wants to be and where his future is.

He's now asking for our DC (8 years old) to meet them all. DC seems curious. It's taking every fibre in my body to scream "NO - NEVER - NO" but I know deep down that's unreasonable and probably not the right thing to do from my DC's perspective. She's probably curious, wants to know where her daddy is spending his time. But it's hard isn't it.

AIBU? Please help me get some perspective. It's awful but I guess it's been 8 months.

LemonBreeland Wed 04-May-16 10:19:36

I can totally understand how you feel. But he is doing it after 8 months, not 8 days. And he could have done it before now. He doesn't actually need your permission. You have to let it happen, and you have to be okay when your DC comes home and tells you about them.

margewiththebluehair Wed 04-May-16 10:27:56

You are being unreasonable.
You must let them meet. If you want to maintain your self-respect and dignity then you must also never say a bad word in front of your children about their father. You must never say a bad word against the other woman.

The rules for dignity are bloody bloody hard.

Chasingsquirrels Wed 04-May-16 10:37:04

It is hard yes, but he is your dc's family and his partner and her children are part of his life now - your dc has a right to be involved in his life, to feel loved and cared for by their other parent.

My dp's ex wouldn't let the dc's meet me (by wouldn't let I mean she made her feeling perfectly clear on the matter, they were teens and could make their own decisions but at the end of the day they live with their mum, have to go home to the house they share with her and by all accounts, not just dp, she is a difficult woman).
Nearly 5 years down the line and I've met one a handful of times, which I don't think his ex knows about, and have just met the other, who has been away from home as a student for 3 years, for the first time (and only because of a recent health diagnosis for dp).
We are meant to be getting married soon and both of his dc's had said they will come but neither want his ex to know, and tbh I'm not sure they would come anyway.
My dc's have never met his dc's.

This situation is hard for and hurts dp, but I suspect it isn't doing his children any favours at all either, and they are left with dealing with their mum and dad separately, not being able to mention their dad to their mum, not being able to visit their dad's home, not being able to be a part of their dad's life.
Yes he could have gone to court, and probably should have done, if only to show his dc's that he would fight for them as given their ages I don't think court would have achieved anything.
As it was he took the quiet, being there for them as much as he could, supporting them, view - that they were better off with him in their lives to the extent he could be rather than having the conflict of court.
I have no idea which would have been better - I do know that a far preferable option would have been not to have the issues in the first place.

My ex left, probably for his current partner although I don't know that for a fact, and our dc's have lived with him 2 days a week from the moment we split (2 and 5 at the time).
He gradually introduced his partner and her child, then they moved in together. My dc refer to their sibling when talking about her.

It's very hard for you, but please make it as easy for your dc as you can.

Dollygirl2008 Wed 04-May-16 10:45:37

Thank you all for your rational replies. You are all right, of course, I know that deep down.

The line about the rules for dignity are hard - wow, powerful few words but oh so true!!! I have remain dignified throughout the whole process (so much so that I've heard it really annoys the OW!!!). I don't bad mouth my ex in front of my DC - I let her make her own judgments because then I know in my heart of heart that the words that come out of her mouth are her own. And he's not being reasonable - he has said that if she doesn't like them, he wont force her again. My DC is an angel and I can't see her NOT liking anyone! I will have to have a drink the night she comes home so that I can appear excited for her whilst she tells her tales.

I'm the adult and I must deal with it. The feelings of rejection still sting but thats not out DC's fault is it. And the fear of being replaced kills. BUt I know deep down that won't happen.

Thank you - I needed to hear it.

Chasingsquirrels Wed 04-May-16 10:50:53

Oh sweetheart you won't be replaced.
Your dc might have more family, just like if you had extra brothers and sisters she would have extra aunts and uncles - but you would still be her mum.
More people to care about your dc isn't a bad thing, just more in her life.

How are you coping - how is your life atm?

IIRC after ex and I split (he left) in March he then introduced his partner to my dc around the following New Year, I was still in a pretty shot place at that stage.

Dollygirl2008 Wed 04-May-16 11:04:34

Thank you for your kind words

I think I'm doing OK all things considered. It's actually a calmer house now if I'm honest, but I feel like the last 8 months have been a "cooling off" phase in some respects. I now need to deal with the house, finances, blending of family etc. And all that terrifies me but it's one day at a time.

To be left for someone else is like a nuclear bomb going off in our world - even though we weren't particularly happy, I didn't realise that was on the cards. You always think "if I'd have tried harder" etc. I'm not sure how "happy" he is now or how stable is relationship is but then again, perhaps I shouldn't "think" too much. I guess I try to deal with it by assuming its all "hearts and flowers" because then, I figure I can't hurt anymore.

One day at a time
x

Chasingsquirrels Wed 04-May-16 11:12:49

One day at a time indeed.

And you know what, eventually the pain and the hurt and the shit fades, and you move on with your life.
I still wish it hadn't happened to me, and to my kids, but we've all moved through it, moved on, the kids have hopefully got the best they can in the situation - they have 2 loving homes and people who care about them.

And, I've been happier with DP the last few years than I was with ex-H for a long time.

Dollygirl2008 Wed 04-May-16 11:47:55

Thats reassuring to know - I can't imagine being with anyone else at the moment but hey, who knows what will happen in the future!!!!

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