Ok, sorry if this is a bit long but I don't want to drip feed. Actually I'm pretty sure IANBU so, sure say if I am but it's more of a WWYD.
Two years ago my younger brother and his dw found they were expecting their third child and needed to move to a bigger property. They were renting but owned another flat which was let. They kept the flat, remortgaged and bought a house on the edge of their preferred location which meant the DC could stay at the same school. The house was a a good size having been extended but was in quite poor condition which they underestimated when they viewed it.
When they moved in we went to visit. There was a terrible smell of drains in the kitchen which was also in very poor and filthy condition. There were rats in the garden and the entire property was in need of work. Luckily Db is very good at DIY and intended to do it himself. As I say, he has totally underestimated what needed doing and had no budget at all.
My dh said afterward he would like to help them out so I approached another much wealthier db and discussed it. He wasn't that keen but agreed to help. So, we talked to younger db and his dw and agreed to give them £5k and lend them £10k from each of us, so £30k in total. We had it in writing etc as I've read enough threads on here... They were delighted. We told them we hoped it would cover kitchen, bathrooms and Windows and offered to help with advice as we've done a lot of work over the years.
After a slow start a new kitchen was installed and the drains sorted out. Then the baby was born so there was a hiatus. I was a bit surprised when a decorator was called in to paint the kitchen since that's clearly DIY but didn't say anything. Then, well nothing. After months and months dsis took the DC away and the family all pitched in and a lot was achieved in a few days, great. Then nothing.
Eventually in January this year I asked my db outright what was happening ( he's the master of evasion) and he admitted that he'd spent £6k on mortgage payments while dsis was on mat leave. I told him I wasn't happy but hey, hopefully he would get on and use the rest to do the Windows or something. Next thing I know they've booked a big holiday. Not a luxury one, a travelling on the ground sort of thing. Still expensive. They had a fabulous time and plan to do more. Dsil is also from another country so they visit at least once a year, fair enough but expensive.
I've asked db why he's not getting on with stuff himself and apparently dsis doesn't like family time to be spent on dull old DIY. . He uses all his very generous leave doing trips with the DC, never any house stuff.
Now I've heard from my DM that they are remortgaging, presumably to get out of debt. I want to ask for our £10k back because I hate watching them and feeling resentful. If it's not our money they can do whatever they like but as it is I can't help feeling this way. We aren't wealthy and could use the money on our own DC who care young adults. Trouble is, if I ask for it back they will be in even more debt.
I got it wrong. I imagined they would have the same priorities as me and use every penny as well as possible to get the house in good shape. They don't care that much about the house and want to do exciting stuff with the DC.
I'm going there later. Should I try to talk to dsil and say any of this? I would welcome other viewpoints. Thanks and sorry for the length of this.
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AIBU?
Another one about lending family money.
26 replies
MatildaTheCat · 04/05/2016 09:47
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