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To think if you've explained why you're upset it's not ok for the other person to dismiss your POV

(11 Posts)
Narnia72 Tue 03-May-16 20:52:33

I'm a bit stressed by other things at the moment, so may be overreacting.

My SIL came up to the house whilst I was out to see her brother. He was on the phone, so whilst she was waiting she "lightheartedly" doodled all over this month in my calendar.

1) my calendar is a labour of love and I keep each year as a record. I laboriously collect photos of all the children in the family, edit them and arrange them according to birthday etc. it's my little peccadillo, I love sorting through and putting my favourite photos on there.

2) the word of the calendar is law in our house. Whoever gets their events on there first (in pen so no sneaky rubbings out!) gets first dibs on the evening. If a subsequent booking comes along that the other party feels should supersede the first booking, there has to be negotiation that the UN would be proud of...

So, she doodles little pictures, pithy comments and witticisms (including random comments like sweet fa about fa cup day and tra la la when choir is on) all over this month. Little footsteps throughout, all done in orange crayon.

Text conversation as follows (I know, shouldn't do these things over text )

Me: I've just seen the calendar, why did you draw all over it? I like to keep them smart as I like to save them
Her: I thought would make you smile and it wasn't meant maliciously. Honestly surprised to get this text, can't see the issue
Me:I didn't think it was malicious, but it was thoughtless. I don't want to have to explain to the kids what sweet fa means and tongues day - what does that even mean? It's not a big deal but please don't draw on my stuff again
Her: you're overreacting, long waffle about her obscure ref to tongues day, it was just a bit of fun
Me: I'm surprised you don't get why I'm miffed. I'd never come to your house and draw on your diary or something on your wall. Anyway, let's leave this now.
Her: long explanation as to why I am so humourless and unreasonable.

I'm not going to respond, and am sure some will think I'm uptight and others agree with me, but irrespectively, what's really pissing me off is her repeatedly telling me I'm unreasonable to feel the way I do.

She could have just said "sorry, I didn't realise, hope it's not a problem" and that would have been the end. But she has to go on and on (I've paraphrased the texts) about my supposed overreaction to her defacing my stuff.

FFS, sometimes a simple acknowledgement you got it wrong and an apology are all that's needed. Not loads of self justifying crap

So WIBU to now make her eat the whole calendar??? I was mildly irritated when I saw the calendar, now I'm steaming. She is 35 btw, not a little kid, and v bright.

EveryoneElsie Tue 03-May-16 20:57:12

YANBU to think she is trying to wind you up. It does sound like it. But remember as a general rule, people can listen to your pov, understand it and where you are coming from, and still not agree.

How about you make up calendar pages on your pc? Then you could print them out and leave one up for her to deface, imagining some great triumph of humour over preciousness.

PPie10 Tue 03-May-16 20:57:58

Yanbu, it's never ok to do that to something that doesn't belong to someone else. She should have apologised and left it at that instead of arguing. She sounds really weird.

MarthaCliffYouCunt Tue 03-May-16 21:01:54

She did it on purpose because she knows how obsessive you are about your calendar. I bet she giggled loads while doing it. And on the way home. And pissed herself laughing while reading your texts.

44PumpLane Tue 03-May-16 21:02:09

YANBU she sounds like a bit of a dick!

It's absolutely plausible that she doodled without thinking, but at the point you told her you were upset by it she should have apologised and let you know that it won't happen again.

You don't deface people stuff- if she wanted to doodle I'm sure she could have found some paper, or the back of an envelope. If she was truly thinking you'd like it she should have enough humility to realise she was wrong!

Aspergallus Tue 03-May-16 21:10:03

How rude.

One of the things I hate about in-laws (even though they are generally nice people) is that my house, and all the finishing touches I've added to it, anything I've organised in it gets treated, albeit subtly, as though it's DHs. When really we have home that we contribute to equally, from a financial POV, while I'm definitely the "home-maker". It'd all be impersonal magnolia otherwise.

This would make me think of a sibling coming round messing with her brother's stuff, without any consideration for you.

She's rude. I think send a final message saying that it is your property, she has been trusted in your home and abused this by defacing your property. It's irrelevant whether she thinks it's funny or your anger not justified -when it's your own property you get to decide how you feel about someone defacing it. If she had any respect for you and your home she'd apologise rather than add insult to injury by challenging how you feel about it.

quietbatperson Tue 03-May-16 21:10:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Narnia72 Tue 03-May-16 21:14:36

Martha - she has no idea about how obsessional I am. It's not something we've ever discussed, tbh I've never said to anyone about how much time I spend on them. Both OH and I scribble on them, I don't insist on perfect calligraphy or a special pen or anything 😉

She undoubtedly did it thinking she found it amusing, ergo I would too. She's clearly quite hurt that I would think she'd done it to wind me up.

Elsie. - POV was probably the wrong phrase. It's the relentless insisting that I shouldn't be feeling the way I am, because that's not how she meant it, that's winding me up.

MarthaCliffYouCunt Tue 03-May-16 21:23:12

Ahh ok. Tip for future: do what i do, have your calendar hung on the inside of a cupboard door. Then she'll have to go looking for it.

EveryoneElsie Fri 06-May-16 11:27:08

She cant tell you how you should feel. Well she can but its a dick move. And I dont believe she didnt mean anything by it given the comments are not child friendly...

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn Fri 06-May-16 11:31:28

What a knob she is. I am particular about my calendar and my notice board. I don't even like the DCs writing on my notice board although I am trying hard to let that one go. I'd be fuming if anyone wrote on my pretty, expensive and very organised calendar complete with stickers for different events.

People like this always think they are in the right. You can't tell them because your feelings are of no consequence to her whatsoever.

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