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To think he's up to something?

(33 Posts)
helphelphelpfuck Tue 03-May-16 09:34:32

Split from violent ex a year ago. He has had no contact with DD since and no interest in seeing her since he was arrested for threatening us both.

Just had a phone call from my doctors giving me the heads up that he has requested a copy of her medical records. Why would he do this? What is he up to? I update him every 3 months on how she is doing. Also would've cost him 50 quid apparently to do this.

AIBU to think he's up to something and fear the worst?

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant Tue 03-May-16 10:30:33

I would be worried.

Report it to non emergency police so it's been noted.

helphelphelpfuck Tue 03-May-16 10:35:41

The police? Oh geez.

I've contacted social services who have red flagged his name yet again. They didn't mention anything about police though. I just don't get what he's playing at.

sepa Tue 03-May-16 10:38:21

I would note it to the police just so it's on record if anything does happen. Also tell your DDs school/nursery this and that only you pick DD up unless you have spoken to them before (assuming DD goes to school/nursery)

helphelphelpfuck Tue 03-May-16 10:41:49

She starts nursery in September. I've already spoken to them about it and they've said that because he is on the birth certificate they can't stop him taking her if he goes to pick her up.

sepa Tue 03-May-16 10:44:15

Even though he is violent. Seems strange that they would be willing to give her up to someone who threatened her.
What did social services say about that?

VocationalGoat Tue 03-May-16 10:46:01

He has a right to access medical records.
I had this dilemma with my ex years ago and also, having worked in a surgery for years, I dealt with this request from many a deadbeat dad.
In my own case and in the cases I dealt with, it comes to nothing.
Maybe he's gearing up to go to court for access or maybe he wants to see how DC is doing. But it's a sinister way of going about it, to be honest. In my personal experience, my ex did this before going to court to try to remove our DC from my care, which never happened. I suppose looking at the notes, he thought he'd find proof of maltreatment. Who knows?
Weirdos, these deadbeat dads.
They have no power or control and ironically, no interest in actually approaching their role as parent in a loving, productive way. They are ruled by ego. Sad little people.
I wouldn't worry. Easier said than done.

helphelphelpfuck Tue 03-May-16 10:46:53

They said there wasn't really a lot they could do as he had PR and was only cautioned by the police. It's so wrong how he maintains all his rights even thigh he's only interested in having a power trip over me and not actually interested in his daughter

WellErrr Tue 03-May-16 10:48:07

The police will not be interested that a child's parent has asked to see their medical records.

You need advice from social services and legal advice on how to get his parental responsibility removed if possible.

It does sound dodgy but you're on rough ground. You need proper advice flowers

iknowimcoming Tue 03-May-16 10:49:48

If you had a court order the nursery would not be able to hand her over to him, could you look into that in view of his violence?

VocationalGoat Tue 03-May-16 10:51:16

Your nursery needs to get a grip. I was married to my ex, he was on the birth certificate and they would not hand DC over!
Does your DC know dad? If she hasn't seen him for a year how on earth could they justify handing your DC over to a violent dad she doesn't really know?
If there is no contact order in place, the nursery should be adhering to your wishes. I would talk to Social Services.

helphelphelpfuck Tue 03-May-16 10:52:07

My solicitor has basically said not to be the one to take him to court as it will just set everything up for him. He said the best thing to do is to leave it and see if he decides to take me. If I take him to court, he could very well end up with 50/50 contact which would be awful. I just can't cope with all this anxiety. Every time I think he's gone he does something like this to get me all worried again.

Birdsgottafly Tue 03-May-16 10:56:52

Get back in touch with SS, see what they say.

If they are dismissive of him being able to pick her up, then contact the Police.

It isn't correct that just because he holds PR, they have to hand her over, if there has been previous Police concern/involvement and SS.

The Police should advice you how to sort this out.

Your DD resides with you and you have good (legal) reason to withhold contact, do you need this registering.

Has your DD got a Passport? I'd wonder if he is going to apply for one.

He's playing games, but you can't underestimate him.

VocationalGoat Tue 03-May-16 10:56:53

I really feel for you. I went through this many years ago and felt very powerless. I'm always shocked by how much the focus is on placating and rewarding these childish, spoiled, feckless dads who throw their weight around when they don't get it their way. And the courts kowtow to them. It's a joke.
Don't waste your time with the police.
I got a lot of help and support from other parents- mums and dads- on the Wikivorce forum.

Birdsgottafly Tue 03-May-16 10:59:57

""The police will not be interested that a child's parent has asked to see their medical records. ""

Let the receiving Officer decide that.

OP, it's correct that the danger of you going to Court is that you've done the leg work. If he really wanted contact, he'd be writing to you, getting Solicitors involved and setting up Court proceedings. It speaks volumes to Professionals that he isn't doing this.

helphelphelpfuck Tue 03-May-16 11:00:23

She doesn't have a passport yet as I don't have the money. He also doesn't have photos of her. I've had her surname changed by deed poll too so will hopefully get her passport in my name not his.

VocationalGoat Tue 03-May-16 11:03:27

Your solicitor is right! Stay out of court as long as possible. Once that ball starts rolling, it's in his court.
He won't get 50/50 contact.
If he takes you to court, push for 'supervised contact' in a contact centre for one year. Push hard for this. Then it will reduce to unsupervised contact in a contact centre. Then unsupervised visits outside the centre. Drag it out. If he's the type of man I assume he is, he won't be in DC's life forever, just while she's cute, little, charming, out of nappies, and easier to handle.
These guys aren't interested in their kids when they're babies or pre-teens/teens.
But I am getting ahead of myself. Just wait and see how the cat jumps here.
It may all come to nothing. flowers

Birdsgottafly Tue 03-May-16 11:04:44

""Don't waste your time with the police. ""

Firstly, thresholds, policies, change, every year and Police vary, regionally, so your experience isn't everyone else's.

If he takes her from Nursery, the Police will have to be the ones to contact, likewise if there's more threats.

The Forums are great for support, but sometimes the advice and 'support' keeps people in the same cycles.

Goingtobeawesome Tue 03-May-16 11:12:08

I wonder if looking for andiffertn nursery might be a good idea if they are willing to hand her over when, as pp have said, they don't have too.

Goingtobeawesome Tue 03-May-16 11:12:30

a different*

helphelphelpfuck Tue 03-May-16 11:14:48

I've spoken to a few nurserys and they've all said the same thing 😕

I'm going to college an hour away from where we live so am going to get her into a nursery there so at least she's out the way and I'm only next door if he does turn up.

OliviaBenson Tue 03-May-16 12:21:59

Is he likely to know where she goes to nursery op? If he has no idea you are studying or that she'll be at nursery, I think that reduces the chance he'll turn up at random.

Horrible situation for you.

ImperialBlether Tue 03-May-16 12:27:33

He's not going to get 50/50 custody! No way. She'll hardly know him now. Due to his behaviour you could insist on any contact taking place in a contact centre.

I wonder whether he's hoping you haven't allowed her to have her immunisations etc so he can claim you're a neglectful mother. Would there be much to see on her medical records anyway?

helphelphelpfuck Tue 03-May-16 12:30:59

I think he had a lot of eyes and ears on what I'm up to so it's definitely a possibility.

The only thing on her medical records is the meningitis that we treated for when she was born. The meningitis that he gave her because he was shagging an infected girl 2 weeks before my daughter was born!!

iknowimcoming Tue 03-May-16 12:34:26

Forgive my ignorance but is it not possible to get a restraining order/injunction to prevent him coming near you and dd because of his violence, without getting into custody/visitation rights?

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