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To think that something is going on

(259 Posts)
DoorMat1010 Mon 02-May-16 22:40:57

Backstory - DH and I have been together for 6 years, married for 2. Have a 3yo DC and living together since 9m into the relationship.
Since moving in together he's always preferred to stay home with me, or enjoy time with me - Up a few months ago.

Sex life has been lacking for a while, due to my medical problems but last few days have been good in that regard.

He works full time and every weekend (1 or 2 days off a week depending on the week) and gets home shortly before DC goes to bed (usually 15 mins sometimes not at all)

He wakes at 7:45am and leaves for work at 8:20am and barely spends time with DC or myself. Recently he's asked me to reduce my already limited hours at work, he's started going out more in the evening after he spends 20 minutes with DC tonight told me he'd be back for 8pm, only got home at 9:30pm).

If I go out (I work shifts - so often I'm out late when working) I get a barrage of messages asking me when I'm going to be home, my last shift in the space of 2 hours I had 26 messages and 2 calls. Even if I nip out and leave DC with him, for 30mins. I'll get messages and phone calls asking me how long I'll be and such like. But if I message him more than once just to see how he's getting on and if he's ok, snaps at me asking me "why can't I go out, and do things, I work all the time, can't I do something for me?".

I actively encouraged him to go out and have fun but is it too much to ask that I feel 4/5 nights a week I'm alone when DC is in bed because he's swanned off somewhere?.

I do everything for DC and him. Rarely get a thank you, or acknowledgement from him. (I love doing things for with my DC and obviously do not begrudge for this. DC is my bloody world!)

He's ALWAYS on his phone texting or such but when I message, it's difficult to get a response back (only over the last few weeks). I can't get hold of his phone as he has always got it on him. Always. Even when he goes for a shower, he takes it in the bathroom. And the 20ish minutes he spends with DC, he's still on his phone.

Snappy and bad tempered very often towards me unless he thinks I'm going to have sex with him.

Tried to talk to him about something that had really upset me, and wanted his advice. And he walked out of the room, saying he needed to do something but just to shout to him whilst he was doing it.

I don't think he's having an affair but something doesn't feel right.

Before anyone asks, DC is DH's, we were ttc and he told me he wanted to be a father.

Not prepared for a flaming.

DoorMat1010 Mon 02-May-16 22:42:46

Anyone who got to the bottom of that, thank you.

BettyApplewhite Mon 02-May-16 22:45:09

He is. Sorry but this is absolutely text book. flowers

Custardo Mon 02-May-16 22:45:50

where does he go?

he sounds like an arse

DoorMat1010 Mon 02-May-16 22:47:25

He goes out with his friends. To a pub but doesn't drink, as he's driving.

RaeSkywalker Mon 02-May-16 22:47:31

Have you talked to him about his behaviour?

The constant texts and calls you get sounds like controlling behaviour. Does he do anything else like this?

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn Mon 02-May-16 22:48:04

He's an arse and is treating you badly and possibly being controlling. 26 messages and 2 missed calls while you are at work! Ffs. This would drive anyone mad. He is a massive hypocrite and you need to have it out with him and ask him what the hell is going on and you won't be treated like crap by anyone. YANBU.

DoorMat1010 Mon 02-May-16 22:48:16

I don't know. Not really sure what behaviour to look for?

Junosmum Mon 02-May-16 22:48:23

Gambling or substance addiction? Or OW?

SupSlick Mon 02-May-16 22:49:06

Could be OP, however maybe he's just taking advantage of his social life & is getting his priorities wrong.

His incessant contact when you're out though is a red flag for me. He needs to be equal in communication whether you're out or he is. It's disrespectful and seems to me like he's doing this as a deterrent to stop you leaving the house to avoid the conflict so he can dodge his responsibilities as a husband and father & have you at home as the babysitter whilst he swans off.

That's not fair whether he's off with an OW or not.

DoorMat1010 Mon 02-May-16 22:50:31

I'm going to bed, before anyone says I'm just posting and leaving. Didn't realise the time and I'm up with DC at 5am.

Won't see him till gone 9am then shortly after he's going out for the day (and no, not for work).

Just feel like a single parent with a stroppy teenager and a young child.

mummyto2monkeys Mon 02-May-16 22:51:02

YANBU, where is he going on these four nights a week? Why the secrecy? In a happy marriage phones/ tablets are left in site and my husband is forever asking me to find something on his phone, and he has full access to my iPad and kindle.

Why does he put his social life above spending time with his wife and child?

He doesn't even treat you nicely, he seems controlling and can't stand spending time alone with his own child. I would throw him out and tell him not to come back until he learns how to treat you and your child with the respect you deserve.

dilys4trevor Mon 02-May-16 22:51:46

Sounds a bit text book OP and is very similar to what happened to me.

In the end I repeatedly asked mine to leave (similar behaviour) and eventually found out about an affair (and ow was not the only ow!). This gave me the impetus to force him out.

But ow or no ow this sounds like emotional abuse

WriteforFun1 Mon 02-May-16 23:18:21

Back in pre mobile days, I had a colleague whose husband would ring about sux times a day. We had to answer each other's phones in a real foot to the floor all the time busy office. It drove me nuts.

It turned out he was having a few affairs. It came to light because one of the women got pregnant. My colleague was astounded but looking back I guess he did that to her partly as an alibi for himself?

WriteforFun1 Mon 02-May-16 23:18:58

*six not sux
Though it did suck!

AbernathysFringe Mon 02-May-16 23:21:55

Ignoring all of it apart from ' in the space of 2 hours I had 26 messages and 2 calls' and it's still clear as day that a) it's emotionally abusive b) he's paranoid about what you're doing which could mean he's transferring his own guilt from his own messing around or he's severely possessive c) your child shouldn't watch this and think that that's how relationships work - it isn't d) you don't have to put up with it, life is meant to be better than that.

FellOutOfBedTwice Mon 02-May-16 23:24:31

I would be suspecting an affair in your shoes. He might just be a prick but I would want to gather some evidence. Any chance you can get a look at his phone?

MizK Mon 02-May-16 23:27:58

Guarding the phone is such a bad sign. I would literally steal the phone and take it to work and look if I was that desperate to see what was what.

However, even if there is no affair he sounds draining as hell. You should each have the same amount of spare time.

trufflehunterthebadger Mon 02-May-16 23:28:41

i don't think the numerous messages he is sending are to control you.

he is doing it to work out when he needs to stop whatever he is doing while you are working and how lng he has to cover his tracks

neonrainbow Mon 02-May-16 23:31:30

I'm really sorry... I think affair as well.

LeaLeander Tue 03-May-16 00:05:19

What age is he, and you, OP?

Could you hire someone to follow him?

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine Tue 03-May-16 00:13:36

You might as well BE a single parent.
At least that way, he might be forced to spend some time with his own kids (an give you a break)

One thing is definite - do NOT cut down your work hours!

DoorMat1010 Tue 03-May-16 05:31:57

I'll try and get hold of his phone today, but I very much doubt that will happen.

I'm 26 and he's 32.

And I have already cut my hours. He was talking about it for a while and kept going on about it so I felt I had to.

And I can't afford someone to follow him, otherwise I just might.

I'm not sure he's having affair, more like he just doesn't want to be around us. I forgot to add, he mentioned last night that he'll be going out one more night per week now as of next week.

wannabestressfree Tue 03-May-16 05:37:31

Er say no your not..... come on your coming over as a doormat.
Do not cut your hours anymore and turn off your phone at work he should be supportive you.
Who's name is the house in? You need to have it out with him. It's not going to get better.

EDisFunny Tue 03-May-16 05:52:43

What do you get from being with him?

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