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to be upset for my Mum (Sorry It's a long one)

(10 Posts)
whyhellotootsie Mon 02-May-16 17:04:00

My DS's DP has passed away last week after a long illness. . I feel terrible for her, as he wasted away in front of her and died in her arms.. She's grieving badly now.. I'm doing all I can for her,, but there's a limit to what I can do. I'm not going to lie and pretend I thought anything about her DP, other than he was a complete low-life. I'm actually glad he's gone TBH. He was a drunk, a druggie, he stole money from her, from anyone in fact. He never held a job down. He used lie to her all the time, drive drunk, never lifted a finger around the house. He had a child in another European country that he had never met, let alone pay a penny toward . To put it bluntly, he was a parasite. I didn't trust him at all and my mum didn't either.
She's better off without him - no question.

My DS has always blamed my mum for everything that's gone wrong in her life -- plenty has. I spoke to my Mum at length on Thursday and she was planning to visit DS on Friday. Mum told me she was worried that how ever she approaches my DS she always seems to take her the wrong way and blame her for being insensitive and goodness knows what else. When DS's partner was ill she didn't call me or Mum much as she didn't want to talk about it and drag it all out in the open etc.. So Mum and I decided that it would be best to try to take her mind off of it and not mention him unless she did. As she didn't want to talk about it before, we felt this was best approach.

So my mum went to my DS place on Friday and my DS had a go at her and told her to leave. Because mum didn't mention him enough . She also told her she was pissed off with me for saying to her to "try not to dwell on it" when I spoke to her on the phone the day before. I realise that was insensitive, I wish I hadn't said it, but I just didn't know what to say. It seems one just comes out with cliches at times like this! I'm more upset for my DM though, who nursed her own mum through dementia, watching her die slowly and without dignity. And lost my dad 20 years ago having looked after him through illness too, She was really hurt at the idea that she doesn't care about her eldest DD and doesn't 'get it' somehow. My mum walked all the way home crying and called me in floods. I'm wanting to really have a go at my DS but the emotion is still very raw. AIBU d'you think? It's really tough when it's family involved to judge.. Thanks for reading.

Goingtobeawesome Mon 02-May-16 17:06:00

Your sister has lost her partner and while you thought he was a low life, she didn't. Have some compassion.

Euphemia Mon 02-May-16 17:11:05

That you and your DM thought he was a low-life is clear. That'll be affecting your DSis, so no wonder she's not getting much comfort from either of you.

Remember this is about her, not you/DM. Support your sister as if she had a partner she cared about, which in fact she did! What you thought about him is irrelevant at this point.

Kariana Mon 02-May-16 17:12:34

Definitely don't have a go at her! Just because you think she's better off without him doesn't mean she isn't dreadfully upset. It's possible you have chosen the wrong strategy by not talking about it - she may be taking this as a sign you don't care as I'm sure she's very aware of how you all felt about him. Even if he was a low life there was obviously good times in their relationship and those are what she will be remembering now. You need to offer sympathy and support at this point, and your mum needs to try and mend this. I appreciate it sounds like they have a difficult relationship but your sister is going through a hugely emotionally tough time and if there was ever a time to bite your tongues and cut her some slack, it's now.

Kn33 Mon 02-May-16 17:13:03

I don't think you're BU for feeling for your mum, but as lowlife as he may have been your DS clearly loved him regardless of all the flaws. I would just make sure my Mum knew that she is a fantastic mum assuming that is the case, and that DS isn't thinking straight for obvious reasons..
With your DS I probably wouldn't 'have a go' I would start off with apologising for the comment you'd made, and just mention how upset your mum had been.. Perhaps along the lines of you know she's hurting/grieving/emotional but not to push away the people who care for her who are all trying their best at a difficult time...

Deux Mon 02-May-16 17:17:21

Goodness, your sister is grieving the death of her partner and you want to have a go at her.

What are you thinking? Seriously, stop it and imagine what it is like for her.

You should be supporting her right now, not planning how to inflict more pain.

wigglesrock Mon 02-May-16 17:18:34

Your sister's partner died last week and you've already told her not to dwell on it. Its not often words fail me, but Christ have a little bit of compassion. Doesn't matter what you thought of him, your sister loved him, surely you can understand how alone and hurt she must feel. Her partner has died after an illness and her mum and sister are seemingly more concerned with having limits as to how much she can grieve - has it even been a week?

IamlovedbyG Mon 02-May-16 17:18:40

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

whyhellotootsie Mon 02-May-16 17:40:48

I know, I really shouldn't have said that to her. I feel terrible for saying it. I really do. I don't know why I said it in fact. I just didn't know how to end the conversation and as soon as I said it. I bit my lip and should have called her straight away.. I wouldn't dream of saying anything to her now.. I just feel bad for mum. I was hoping my Sis would allow herself to take comfort from her and that this bereavement would improve things between them. I think we both got it wrong ..Especially me.

Osolea Mon 02-May-16 17:49:07

You are being very unreasonable to even consider having a go at your sister, and you owe her an apology for what you said.

I'm shocked that you feel worse for your mum than you do your sister, you seriously can't even begin to imagine the pain she is feeling. She loved her DP, whether he had an addiction or whether he was scum or not. This is about her pain, not him, not your opinions of him, and not your mum.

Not mentioning it is really quite selfish, your sister may not have wanted to bring it up because she didn't want other people to feel bad, because she didn't know hat to say, because she didn't know what she needed in order to be able to ask for your help or support, or because she knew what you thought of her DP and didn't want to face your opinion that she'd be better off without him. Not saying anything doesn't mean that it's not there affecting every second of her day (both before and after the death) all that probably did is make her feel more alone.

You and your mum both need to acknowledge what your sister is going through.

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