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*LONG* (and a bit ranty) I am a horrible awful friend but am i really being that unreasonable...? i am prepared for a flaming btw...

(82 Posts)
RoystonVaseySmegHead Mon 02-May-16 14:08:55

one of my best friends is pregnant... lovely! i am so excited for her and i cant wait to spoil the baby rotten when s/he's born. But since i knew her (just under a year) she's been to a&e for quite a few non life threatening things... like 3 of the main things i can remember: she 'dislocated' her collarbone... turned out to be slight bruising... then she had an episode of feeling suicidal... so went to a&e again even though she has counselling and a contact for the local crisis team (i understand mental health and am completely for taking even small things seriously when you feel like taking your life!!)... but there are lots of things she's been for (at least 8 times in the last 6 months that have all turned out to be nothing) and i just feel like she's using the hospital for minor things that could be taken care of at the doctors.. like she could have made a same day appt for everything she's been for, or she could have contacted crisis etc. for mental health things... but now she's pregnant, she was really quite ill a week or so ago, and quite rightly went to hospital and was admitted. turns out she has HG. but last night the sickness pills stopped working and she's been sick today but can keep water down afaik... but she's going back to a&e again today anyway because if it... tried talking her into phoning 111, finding out if out of hours or walk in are open.. and she cant be bothered with any of those because 'they take too long'. AIBU to think she's taking the piss a bit?! if anything happens it seems like the first place shell go is a&e, and its grating quite a lot now, but i cnt decide if im being unreasonable but i probably am.. and now i feel like an awful friend for thinking these things about her when i know what its like myself to be throwing up morning noon and night... what are your opinions on it? like i said in thread title, i am perfectly open to being flamed for being so unsupportive but can i add i havent actually told my friend any of this and have offered to go with her if she needs someone else there apart from her DP because he can be bit of a killjoy/ very unsupportive at times sad sorry for the rant by the way :/

elQuintoConyo Mon 02-May-16 14:11:02

None of your beeswax, surely?

Crisscrosscranky Mon 02-May-16 14:13:02

YANBU that's she's using A&E improperly BUT it sounds as though she has MH issues and therefore YABU to think she's doing it deliberately to 'take the piss'. You're being a good friend by going with her- how about when you see the nurse/doctor you ask what she should do in these situations in the future- if they think she's overreacting they will tell her and she won't shoot you as the messenger!?

Stratter5 Mon 02-May-16 14:13:28

She'd annoy the fuck out of me, so I get where you're coming from, but I guess ultimately it's not really any of your business. I'd probably just quietly distance myself.

Gide Mon 02-May-16 14:14:00

YANBU. She went to A&E for bruising? She's taking the piss, if people who didn't need to go to A&E didn't bloody go, those of with serious issues like a bleed into the skull (through no fault of my own) would be seen a darned sight quicker.

For MH issues, she should really be calling her counsellor.

CaptainCrunch Mon 02-May-16 14:15:15

I understand your frustration. I had a friend with a similar MO. There's not a great deal you can do about it. My friend started complaining that the medical staff were being unsympathetic and dismissive towards her and I suggested it was because she'd gone to A&E for non emergencies so often they were sceptical about the urgent nature of her problem. She did take it on board but is still guilty of this.

viciousstarling Mon 02-May-16 14:24:24


nobilityobliges Mon 02-May-16 14:29:21

YABU. Not really sure how feeling suicidal counts as a 'minor thing'. Anyway, the A and E team are fully capable of communicating to her whether her visit was appropriate or not - it's not your role or any of your business, particularly given that you have not, presumably, undertaken a medical examination of her (and are not even a qualified doctor?). I think that you need to support her and leave your judgments at the door, or else keep your distance.

NeedsAsockamnesty Mon 02-May-16 14:43:27

If she has HG and does not have a care plan, when sickness meds stop working A&E is a perfectly appropreate place to go.

Doing so can reduce the cost to the hospital of a potential 48 hour admission, obtain injectable treatment far quicker than any other method reducing the likely hood of more serious complications and reduce the likey hood if an unstoppable episode.

Lules Mon 02-May-16 14:48:51

If she really can't keep anything down and has HG in my experience a GP will send her straight to A&E anyway. As for the other things, it might be annoying if people go for minor things (and they shouldn't) but it isn't really your problem

RoystonVaseySmegHead Mon 02-May-16 14:58:51

Thanks for replies, I'd never judge her to her face, because that's just awful and i really do love her she's been such a good friend to me! but regarding going to a&e for her MH problems, i meant that she's got a contact for crisis who can help her better than they why didn't she use it? I completely understand that depression and anxiety suck, i have them too... so i definitely didn't mean that they were a minor thing, i get how shit they can be... it just niggles me that she'd rather go the long way round to get help than go straight to crisis if she's having suicidal thoughts and genuinely thinking about it. I don't know, i think the thing that really annoys me is that she judges every minor thing as something worthy of going to a&e as well as the big scary things. Its as if shed rather go to the hospital instead of going to the doctors first iyswim? criss thats actually a really good idea, if she gets admitted today ill be going up to see her so ill mention it smile but i didn't mean she's taking the piss as in she's doing it due to her MH issues, so i don't quite understand that bit? maybe its a regional thing? like where i come from taking the piss can mean like someone's taking the mick out of something/one, or they're doing something to the expense of other people, like going straight to a&e for bruising, when someone else might have genuinely broken their ribs and been to the doctors first for a referral if that makes sense? it could just be me... like i was always taught to only go to a&e if your legs hanging off or you had to go in an ambulance hmm

nobilityobliges Mon 02-May-16 15:03:35

Honestly, you need to disengage. If you're friend tells you is suicidal and your reaction is that it "niggles" you that she sought help from the wrong part of the health service, you might not be the best person to support her.

RoystonVaseySmegHead Mon 02-May-16 15:04:39

lules i know what you mean, and if she couldnt keep water down id tell her to go straight away.. but its been less than 24 hours since they stopped working, she can keep water and juice down and the GP should be able to give her the same stuff anyway because its already on her file, at least thats what they did for my aunt a year or so ago when hers stopped working, she went to GP who gave her a slightly stronger dose of what the hospital gave her :/ i appreciate that she needs help for this, but it just annoys me that for literally everything other than a cold shell go straight to hospital rather than give the doctor/111/OOH/walk in a try first

lalalalyra Mon 02-May-16 15:11:43

When you say she went for bruising had she already had the injury checked out and then went to a&e as well? Because if she injured herself, thought she might have broken something, and was in pain then I don't see how a&e was the wrong place to go?

I took my DS on Wednesday as I thought he'd broken his arm. He hasn't, it was just a very heavy fall leaving him black and blue and in pain. I still don't think it was the wrong call because I don't have xray vision and he was in so much pain. If your friend was similar then you are being very judgemental.

Feeling suicidal and asking for help is neither minor nor inappropriate imo. Do you know why she chose that route? Perhaps a&e make the crisis team react quicker. Perhaps the supervision of a&e makes her feel safer while the mental health team get things into place.

HG and not able to keep anything down means she's likely to get sent to a&e anyway so she's just cutting out the middle man. I don't see anything time wasting in that at all.

RoystonVaseySmegHead Mon 02-May-16 15:17:44

nobility the local crisis centre place is literlly around the corner from a&e... shes been there 3/4 times in the last few years so thats what i meant by what i said... so i just dont understand why you'd go somewhere knowing theyll just send you to the other place when they see you? i just worry that if she keeps misusing a&e for little things then when theres really something wrong theyll not listen in time because shes good at exaggerating things :/

Laura812 Mon 02-May-16 15:20:04

Huge numbers of people go to A&E who should not. The few times we have been it has been so serious we've been triaged right to the front of the queue above all the timewasters who ought to be seeing their GP.

proudmom135 Mon 02-May-16 15:22:59

Let's hope that now, she's a mother, she's mature enough to handle things for her baby's sake.

nobilityobliges Mon 02-May-16 15:23:45

Well, as others have pointed out it's not at all clear from your descriptions that she IS misusing the services. So presuming she doesn't come to you for medical assessment first, I'd just relax - you aren't qualified to medically assess her and have no reason to, so you can just focus on being her friend. The doctors she sees will be able to assess her problems and tell her if she's in the right place or not. As for them refusing help in future on a "crying wolf" basis - that is definitely not going to happen! They have to take everything seriously, so if that's your concern you can set your mind at rest. I would just let the health professionals sort this one out themselves, there's nothing you can or should usefully do (definitely telling your friend what service she should or should not be using is not advisable if you're not a doctor).

RoystonVaseySmegHead Mon 02-May-16 15:24:04

i definitley didnt explain very well.. i dont care that shes gone to the hospital for the HG things, im glad shes in the right place. what annoys me is that for most other things she thinks it needs to be sorted straight away, sp she just goes staight to hospital... i dont know maybe she has a weak pain threshold so she thinks everythings worse than it actually is :/

NeedsAsockamnesty Mon 02-May-16 15:26:24

So why include that as an example of unreasonable use?

GraysAnalogy Mon 02-May-16 15:28:40


I knew someone like this and it only got worse when her baby came along. The poor child was always in A&E, and each time she'd post photos of him in the bed, having bloods taken, being examined..

It's frustrating for sure.

CaptainMarvelDanvers Mon 02-May-16 15:39:26

I don't understand why you're so involved.

When I was really poorly with MH issues I was told if I was suicidal and really felt that I wanted to take my own life that I could to the A&E by my psychiatric nurse. Also my mother was told to phone 999 if she thought I was at risk of seriously hurting myself. In an ideal world ringing the crisis team would mean that they come out and see you straight away but it's not always possible.

TattyDevine Mon 02-May-16 15:45:47

It is frustrating.

My niece, who I love to bits honesty, is at university in the town here where I live. She and her friends go there really often for young, fit healthy people. My niece went because she "couldn't breathe" (she could, but she had a sore throat, and it wasn't tonsilitis, just a quite bad cold) and they sent her home sharpish, telling her to use the walk in centre next time and that there's nothing they can do for a sore throat anyway. She went various other times with a drama queen friend of hers as well, and they seem to rather enjoy checking in on Facebook and having a sad face hospital selfie. Grr.

My husband gave her a good lecture about not doing it when she was here for Sunday lunch once grin

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Mon 02-May-16 15:52:09

Could she be suffering from A.N.D. It is a real and recognised condition. I know I had it. . It was supposed to be the happiest time of my life, but I felt lower than a snakes belly.

RaeSkywalker Mon 02-May-16 16:02:58

It makes me very angry when people misuse A&E. The cost of a consultation there is hundreds of pounds more than a GP consultation.

However- I have HG. The first lot of medication didn't work, I couldn't keep even sips of water down for 48 hours. I ended up fainting at home and being sent straight to the wards by my GP- my ketones were 4+ and I was in for 3 days. Dehydration is very, very dangerous.

Personally, if I was in your friend's position I would almost certainly call 111- out of hours can measure ketones easily and admit if needed. She's not wrong for going to A&E for uncontrolled HG though. A lot of HG patients present there.

She could always buy some ketostix to use at home- they're very cheap on Amazon. It might help give her an idea of when she needs to seek help.

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