To ask for advice on wtf to do about dps dm(20 Posts)
It is a tricky situation but dp''s dm (let's call her A) is a nightmare. A is disabled(back problems but can do some stuff, drives and can walk etc), has no carers as they stopped coming apparently because she refused to do anything or let them do anything so dp has to do a lot for her. That is fine but she doesn't understand that we have a 2 year old and he works. She has dps dad to help sometimes but he doesn't live with her. Dp has 2 brothers that do nothing.
the thing is, she is very eneltitiled and just not that nice of a person at all. The other day she called us at 6am and woke everyone up, because she wanted dp to go over there and buy her fags as her shopping delivery with cigarettes wasn't arriving until 7-8am and she doesn't think that's unreasonable. Dp didn't go obviously because she can wait 1-2 hours for cigarettes. She then tried very hard to make dp f33l guilty over this. She says the reason he didn't go is because I told him not to (I didnt)
she also threw a strop because the day I had ds I was in hospital and hadn't eaten anything all day and dp said he was just going to go to the shops to get me some food before going to hers, apparently she really needed sugar for coffee and this is an emergency :/
we don't get on, mainly because she does horrible shit like accuse me of getting pregnant on purpose, apparently I had told her I was on the pill. She told all of dps family this. The woman is insane. I was never know the pill and I certainly wouldn't have been telling my boyfriends mum at 21 what birth control we were using!
She also had a strop because the 2nd time I was pregnant we didn't tell her or anyone right away, as I was contemplating an abortion because I had hypermesis badly and the timing wasn't good wjth ds being only 1 and having no money etv. She guessed because dp had said I was ill and threatened to call an ambulance if dp didn't tell her I was pregnant or not. Then she was nasty about the abortion and gave me shit afterwards.
basically, she is just not a nice person at all.
She drives me mad. She sends weird texts like "thanks for letting dp help me today" which sounds nice but it isn't. She's trying to say I control dp basically but no have never told him to not go over there. I've been pissed off about her demands sometimes when they are ridiculous but I've never said not to.
The problem is, she does need help with doing things and she is dps mum so he does feel he has to do all this stuff but it's affecting our life so much, I wouldn't mind if it were genuine things she needed done but waking everyone up including the 2 year old at 6am because she doesn't want to wait an hour for cigarettes is not a genuine problem. It's getting dp down a lot.
It's a tricky one because I don't want to be horrible but she's no exactly nice either. I've had a few arguments with her when she thinks things like my uterus are her business and she does not like me at all although she pretends to when she's getting her way.
No it is not fine she has refused the carer help. She is entitled to help but refuses it so she can boss her son about, this is crazy. You know whose fault this is? YOUR PARTNER FAULT. His brothers aren't being bossed around by their mum for a reason...
Blame your mil all you want but you should look closer to home.
I am a care worker myself and my advice would be just not go there until she accepts the help from the carers but it seems your partner happy be your mum skivvy. Again your problem is with your boyfriend not the mother.
MIL has alzheimers and was very resistant to the idea of carers, at the same time saying "I don't want to be a burden"
We spelled it out pretty bluntly telling her that she would be a burden if she refused the carers. She she reluctantly agreed, and is fine with it now.
Your boyfriend needs to reinstate these carers. He has his own little family to look after now. He needs to grow a thicker skin and maybe occasionally switch the phone off. This won't do your relationship any good in the long term if he lets his mum boss him around.
She has refused carers so clearly doesn't need help. I would say you are available between say 10 and 4 whatever times work for you and turn off the ringer on the phone or block her number outside of those times. If she is desperate she has two other sons. I wouldn't be putting up with that.
Your dp needs to get a grip and stop being a doormat. If it were me, I'd be telling him I wasn't willing to live as someone's skivvy and it stops or I walk. But that is just me. Obviously it would be different if she were genuine but she isn't. She just wants to control you both and fuck if I'd be having it.
She is 50. She can do more for herself than she let's on, when we were staying with her for a couple of months it was impossible for her to make her own coffee every now and then but as soon as me and dp were talking and she heard something she found interesting shed be straight out of bed and into the room to stick her nose in.
Dp does say no to her some of the time, but she makes him feel guilty and it finds it hard. He was her caret since he was 14 so she kisndnod got used to the idea that he does everything for her but he has his own life too.
Get those carers back asap. If your boyfriend refuses to help her all the time she will have to have the carers.
Does your boyfriend not have a job? Surely he isn't around all day to do stuff for her anyway?
He does have a job, she wants him over there after work (he finishes at 8!!) A pot of the time and on pretty much all his days off. We both work
Your boyfriend needs to grow a backbone then I'm afraid. I hate it when families guilt trip other members of the family.
Why do you go and see her? Can't you just keep your distance? Block her number on your phone?
I repeat - reinstate the carers.
You've got a DP problem not a MIL one. She's sounds throughly unpleasant but your DP doesn't have to enable her behaviour, her other sons and her ExH have boundaries and stick to them. DP needs to do the same.
DH's gran does this to MIL and I really feel for her. It is unfair seems as there are 2 other siblings who are not allowed to do things and are made to feel they are lazy when Gran won't let anyone help. I do partly blame MIL for letting people walk all over her but it's not her fault that her mother behaves the way she does. She is her own person choosing to treat her offspring this way. I would start by saying he cannot go over on days he is working and just spend an hour or so on days off. Any more help will be sourced from elsewhere.
I'm stunned. I was expecting someone much older. The problem is your partner, not her. She's behaving like a spoilt toddler. He's encouraging it.
When she texts thanking you for allowing him to help, I might reply with "it's not a question of me allowing him, he's his own man and I don't control him. He does however have responsibilities in our home and with our children so please bear in mind that every time you ask for help you are asking him to leave those."
OP, I would go and get in touch with your local carer support network. They will be able to give you and your DP the right support and help you get those paid carers back in for the MIL. They will help you both find the strength to deal with it. If it is loneliness for her then they will have info for local groups and activities and given her age some even provide transport and will pick her up then take her home after.
My local carer network even provides free counselling service for all carers (your DP would fall under this) and If your local network had this facility it would surely help in your situation because no doubt he is feeling all the pressure from all sides you, work and his mother. (no blame here but I'm a carer and understand some of the pressures)
try this to find a group local to you and they'll help you figure out how best to handle it www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/get-support/local-support
I'm 52 with terrible back problems. I work 3 days a week as a teacher, clean, cook, wash, and have a 10 year old.
This woman needs a wake up call
First of I'd change your phone number(on your mobile)so that she can't ring you to start on you and she won't be able to text you any of her passive aggresive shit and make sure your DP does not give her the number!That or see if you can block her on your phone.
Your DP needs to speak up for himself and his family,he is not an only child so either his siblings start stepping up or she has carers going to the house again.Either way your DP can not be expected to care for another adult on his own all of the time on top of working full time,having a partner and a child.
Ringing you at 6 am in the morning because she wants to smoke has to stop immediately as well!Your DP needs to tell her that if she rings at such an antisocial hour for nonsense you could start to ignore the calls and then what would happen to her if it was a real emergency.Remind of the boy that cried wolf,she's old enough to know that story and she's old enough to know better!
If your DP will find it very hard to stand upto her(and it does sound like he might)he could angle the conversation into the direction of him being concerned for his Mother when he's not able to get there straight away,how worried he is with her being so ill that he doesn't like her being on her own when he can't be there,that he wants someone with her who knows what to do(carers) for when he's not there,because he loves her so much and cares about her so much.Wicked I know but I have known that approach to work more than once in similar circumstances
She won't do anything to help herself. She just sits in her bed watching TV being a botch to everyone.
she broke a bone recently and was having physio, the man stopped seeing her as she was refusing to do anything he asked. The doctor made it clear that she needs to do more for herself because a lot of her problems with mobility are caused by lack of muscle from refusing to do anything but she won't do it. Dp thinks the reason for this is because she doesn't want anyone medical seeing her able to walk etc incase not effects her benefits. I'm inclined to believe him because she can do a lot more than she tells Dr's. I know she has problems bit she Def exaggerates and I think it's a lot about control and money tbh.
I feel sorry for her, I've tried being nice and helping but she just does my head in completely
If she can drive and walk she can go to the shop herself for a bag of sugar!
You need to sit down with your DP and discuss this problem. His mother is manipulating him and he needs to take control back. You need to discuss the impact that this having on him, your relationship and your child.
I think it's very relevant that your OH was her carer from such a young age; no doubt she dislikes the fact that things have moved on and that adjustments will have to be made
I agree with PPs about getting the carers back pronto, but be prepared for a few sudden "health crises" when you do. She'll get used to the new regime in time if she's given no choice, and you'll do nobody any favours by putting it off
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