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DH kept taking money out of mortgage for more than seven years

(75 Posts)
Bloom12 Fri 29-Apr-16 20:42:58

My DH has been taking out money from mortgage. He got this tracker flexible mortgage which allows to withdraw funds. He never told me about it. He is an established GP working seven sessions as GP partner and than appraisers and out of hour as well. We sent our two kids to a relatively cheap private school until year 3, year 1. All that time he shouted at me for this then he took them off from private and they started going to public school and still they are going there.
To give you full picture, I can explain to you that our house is broken he doesn't want to improve it, we both have really old cars. When we bought them cheap as well. We eat and wear average. Usually, we shop from Tesco and ethnic shops BUT in 2014 he started buying Aldi's value products which he stopped in last summer on our son's request.
Now when I found out that he has been taking money out of the mortgage he is claiming that I have been spending a lot and I put him in debt. NB: he gave me credit card for period Oct 2011 until l about March 2014 and then around December this year until now. I am living with him since Feb 2005 and rest of time whenever I asked him for money for house keeping he fought with me and gave me ten or twenty pounds only.
Please folks want to know what to do and expect.

SaveSomeSpendSome Fri 29-Apr-16 20:45:38


I would be bloody livid! Does the mortgage conditions not state that if the mortgage is in joint names then both people have to agree to borrow from the mortgage?

What the hell has he been spending the money exactly?

VimFuego101 Fri 29-Apr-16 20:48:16

Is the mortgage in joint names? Do you work?

HuskyLover1 Fri 29-Apr-16 20:49:46

How on earth can this have gone on for 7 years, without you knowing?? Are you working and paying half of all the bills? If you aren't and he is earning all the money and paying all the bills, and also balancing the books, whilst you are "kept", I'm not sure you can complain??

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar Fri 29-Apr-16 20:50:28

Do you work?
How much has he taken out of the mortgage? What for?
Is the mortgage up to date with payments?

Bluecarrot Fri 29-Apr-16 20:51:27

What would happen if you say "this sounds like we need to sit down together and talk through our finances"
It sounds really worrying to me.

HuskyLover1 Fri 29-Apr-16 20:52:00

And btw, there's nothing wrong with Aldi! Sounds like money is short, so he switched to Aldi (good choice) and a spoiled child has complained that it's not good enough. And there's no such thing as a "cheap private school".

Fratelli Fri 29-Apr-16 20:54:58

Nobody can tell you what's going on except him I'm afraid.

SilverBirchWithout Fri 29-Apr-16 20:55:34

So what do you think he is doing with all the extra money that has been borrowed on the mortgage?

CharleyDavidson Fri 29-Apr-16 20:55:43

Is it because money is tight and he's being very careful and taking money from the mortgage to make up shortfalls?

Or is it that there must be huge outgoings that you are unaware of? His blaming it on your debts is a bit of a giveaway.

My friend's husband managed to spend all their money, remortgage their home and even dip into funds at his work (he was a Headteacher) to the tune of about 50K, all to cover gambling debts.

Fratelli Fri 29-Apr-16 20:55:46

Also, there's nothing wrong with state schools or Aldi hmm

SquinkiesRule Fri 29-Apr-16 20:56:11

Does he have a gambling problem? Whats he been doing with all the money he's earning and drawing out of the mortgage?

dillydotty Fri 29-Apr-16 20:58:23

I would want to know what the money has been going on!

SilverBirchWithout Fri 29-Apr-16 21:00:39

It does sound like you need to start taking more responsibility and interest in the household finances and budget rather than just leave it to your DH.

I assume you are not in UK. We don't call state schools public?

Canyouforgiveher Fri 29-Apr-16 21:00:40

* If you aren't and he is earning all the money and paying all the bills, and also balancing the books, whilst you are "kept", I'm not sure you can complain??*

What a lovely and simple(minded) view of marriage.

OP, you have to sit with him and find out what is the complete state of your finances. How much is left on the mortgage, how much does he/you have in pension/savings. are your insurance policies still in place or cashed in. how much money in the bank/savings. What are the outgoings/income each month - all of that.

Who managed the money in the house? From what you say- him withdrawing money on a mortgage I presume he is the only one on the title. That he is also deciding where to shop, sounds to me like he controls all of the finances.

If I had to guess, I would say he has an online gambling problem. But is seems like you are scarily unaware of the financial situation in your own life.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways Fri 29-Apr-16 21:01:06

I don't think she insinuated there WAS anything wrong with state school or aldi Fratelli hmm but was painting a picture to show how he had been cutting back on spending.

Op, is your mortgage and council tax big? what other bills do you have? Do you have big holidays?

We don't have the income of a gp but we certainly don't struggle for money, have nice clothes and things, three children, two to three holidays a year and I am a sahm. Could he have an addiction, gambling, drug's, prostitutes that he is spending all the money on?

zeezeek Fri 29-Apr-16 21:03:16

Having worked for years with GPs I do know that the drawings from a partnership are decreasing, but not by that much. Your family will still have a significant income which would allow for a comfortable lifestyle even if you are a SAHM. You are not living that and he is taking money out of your mortgage account and falsely blaming you for spending it.

A) he's abusing you
B) he's got hidden debts

I never ever advice someone I don't know to do this, but You need to think about leaving him.

Maryz Fri 29-Apr-16 21:03:22

I thought gambling too.

I'm sorry. Do you have anywhere else you can go?

HarlotBronte Fri 29-Apr-16 21:08:25

I presume by relatively cheap private school OP meant the 7k a year prep end of the market, rather than the 30k boarding. And the implication is that this isn't by any means an unaffordable expense on a GP partner's salary plus perhaps a bit more on top for the extra sessions he does. OP is hardly likely to have started this thread to discuss the relative quality of state education and Aldi! I use both btw.

YANBU to be concerned OP. Do you have any idea where the money might have gone? Do you work, or have access to any income yourself? I suppose he probably earns too much for you to get child benefit, if you're in the UK?

SabineUndine Fri 29-Apr-16 21:10:55

I would be furious and frightened. You say you both live cheaply, so WHERE has the money gone? He's mentioned debts, what are they? Does he gamble? I'm really sorry sweetie but you are going to have to insist on knowing where the money has gone. GPs earn plenty!

SilverBirchWithout Fri 29-Apr-16 21:11:08

I'm not sure his behaviour is indicative of a gambling problem tbh.

He seems to be trying to exert 'sensible' controls on the finances, such as reducing cost of food shopping by using Aldi, taking DC out of private school and a flexible tracker mortgage can be a useful tool. None of these behaviours indicate someone who is reckless or believing a big win is just around the corner.

To be fair and not wishing to be unkind, my instinct is that the OP may be the one with feckless spending habits. Her lack of understanding or awareness of the finances such as private school fees and credit card sound a like a red flag to me.

Vickybroxbourne Fri 29-Apr-16 21:12:13

I think you need to ask for an honest conversation with him so that you can plan your finances together. Try to do it in a non-judgemental way. He won't have payslips but he will have the annual partnership accounts. Recently surgeries had to put average GP NHS income on their websites, which won't be individualised but will give you a flavour of how profitable the business is. I don't want to scare you but many practices are becoming unprofitable thses days and there is no bail out. Practices have even closed because the partners are scared of going bankrupt. He may be frightened to admit this to you.

LegoCaltrops Fri 29-Apr-16 21:13:46

The idea that if the OP doesn't work, she is "kept" & cannot therefore complain, is wrong. AFAIK, on the majority of mortgages, all parties are "jointly & severally responsible" for the entirety of the amount owed. If the OP's name is on the mortgage it certainly does concern her, regardless of whether she was paying towards it or not.

I'd speak to him, ASAP, & find out what the situation is. If the mortgage is in arrears yoy need to know, & would do well to speak with a free debt advisor, see below.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. It's rubbish. My dad did this to my mum, he is an alcoholic & they nearly list the house.

Vickybroxbourne Fri 29-Apr-16 21:20:50

Another thought. A lot of doctors from overseas come under pressure to send money home to relatives, especially if those relatives supported their education. Could this be the case?

SolidGoldBrass Fri 29-Apr-16 21:24:34

The fact that he has hidden his spending and made her cut back on hers without any information suggests that he has a problem of some sort. The kindest explanation is that his income has decreased and he was too ashamed to say so, but it's more likely that he is spending recklessly - probably on gambling (as drugs or drink would be more visible in terms of behavioural change, etc and OW would be more visible in terms of mysterious disappearances.)

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