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to think that DSis is making the right decision?

(32 Posts)
FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Fri 29-Apr-16 19:59:10

DSis has 2 children who are, unfortunately, not living with her after SS involvement. They have not been adopted and are with family members but it is very very unlikely they will live with her again as children.

She has in the past and still does suffer from mental health issues (depression and PTSD) as a result of a number of things but has undergone some councilling and is in a much better place now, albeit not totally ok, and has a stable relationship wth her DP of 3 years.

She is recently becoming quite broody. She has never really felt that her family was complete but has decided that it would be better if she was to get sterilised as she does not want to cause her children any more hurt and doesn't want to risk becoming pregnant again for their sake. Also, the whole involvement with SS was so traumatic for her that she does not think she could cope with having them in her life again (which obviously, given the previous history, they would be) and could not risk any subsequent children also being taken.

Aibu to think that actually, this is the right decision despite the fact that she is still young, only early 30's and I am worried she will regret it? I'm very close to my DSis and I love her to bits, she asked me to start this thread as she is too afraid of being judged but is really struggling with this.

TheCrimsonPleb Fri 29-Apr-16 20:05:40

I would tell your sister to trust her gut instincts and sod what anyone else thinks. I would also suggest maybe she talks the decision through with a therapist or counsellor who has experience in this area if she has any doubts.

Lots of wiser people will hopefully add to this thread. Just tell your sister to be brave and tune out the people that judge. Just reading through the lines of your post I would guess your sister is a brave person and a strong one and I hope she knows it.

Kimononono Fri 29-Apr-16 20:09:11

Your sister knows her own mind. Leave her too it

RiverTam Fri 29-Apr-16 20:13:54

I think she sounds very sensible, she has taken an honest look at her life, and knows herself well enough to make a well-thought through decision.

Danglyweed Fri 29-Apr-16 20:24:15

Good on her!! What a (cant think of the right word? Brave?) decision to make.

PinotAndPlaydough Fri 29-Apr-16 20:34:47

I think she needs to discuss this with her GP, they are reluctant to sterilise women nowadays especially women as young as your sister. She might be better looking at other forms of contraception or discussing with her partner about him having a vasectomy.

It sounds like she is making a very difficult but brave choice, to not only protect her children that have been adopted but to protect herself and her mental health if she knows she would find SS involvement hard.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Fri 29-Apr-16 20:44:02

She wants to get the sterilisation because she feels that she doesn't ever want to risk becoming pregnant again, so even if she and her DP spilt she still wouldn't want more children iyswim.

BillSykesDog Fri 29-Apr-16 20:48:32

I think she's made a really brave decision and I have a huge amount of respect for her putting the needs of her existing children first.

VimFuego101 Fri 29-Apr-16 20:49:58

I think it sounds like a very sensible decision. I have heard of GPs being reluctant to do this though if they think a woman is too young or may want more children. I hope she is permitted to go ahead with it if she is certain that's what she wants to do.

dillydotty Fri 29-Apr-16 20:51:54

I hard decision but on balance the right one.

KatieHopkinsAteMyHamster99 Fri 29-Apr-16 20:52:47

According to a local GP, they do not recommend sterilisation anymore as the risks of long term contraception, eg coil, implant, are less than having an invasive procedure like sterilisation.

livewyre Fri 29-Apr-16 20:55:01

The mirena could be a good option. It'll give her the space to assess her life, without pregnancy.

dillydotty Fri 29-Apr-16 20:55:43

Surely in these circumstances an exception could be made? She may change her mind but it seems obvious that her having more children is in no one's best interests.

neonrainbow Fri 29-Apr-16 20:55:59

I think that's a poor decision. She's not able to have a child now but who is to say she won't be in 5 to 10 years?

WhatsYourDamage Fri 29-Apr-16 20:56:59

I actually think that her decision is a sign that she's a great mother. She's putting her children's welfare above her own wants.

But she shouldn't worry about being judged. Fuck what other people think. It's her life.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Fri 29-Apr-16 21:12:43

She actually has a Mirena already but she feels that it would be easier for her to accept that she wont have any more children and move on if it was permanent, hence the wanting to be sterilised.

I'm not sure she won't change her mind in years to come neon but if she did she would be having a baby in her 40's and I don't think she wants that either.

RiverTam Fri 29-Apr-16 21:12:46

It sounds to me that she doesn't trust herself not to 'allow' her contraception to fail. She feels that it needs to be set in stone that she cannot have another child, regardless of her wants. Is that right, OP?

I think she's being very brave and honest. And she has 2 children, which is 2 more than many women manage to have. Best to focus on them.

Ceic Fri 29-Apr-16 21:14:44

On Radio 4's programme, iPM, there have been a few items, recently, about women who wanted to be sterilised before they were 30, why and what they were going through. I found the interviews symathetic and understanding. Maybe it's useful for your DSis to hear voices similar to hers?

SaucyJack Fri 29-Apr-16 21:15:02

It sounds like a sensible decision to me.

I know someone who was in a similar position, and ended up having the youngest forcibly adopted.

Needless to say, this did not help anyone.

SS won't bugger off and leave you to it when you already have children under care orders (or whatever they're called).

It's also worth her bearing in mind that one of the very reasons why she's currently doing well is because she doesn't have the strain of caring for small children any more.

Best wishes to her xx She did not choose to become ill, and there is no judgement from me.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Fri 29-Apr-16 21:17:57

I think you may be right about that Tam, I don't think for a moment she would ever deceive her DP into having a baby but I think if she did accidentally (or accidentally on purpose) get pregnant she couldn't bear to terminate and being sterilised seems like the better option for everyone.

RiverTam Fri 29-Apr-16 21:27:58

Well, good for her. Knowing your own weaknesses and taking measures to deal with them is very wise. Sterilisation may seem drastic but surely better than allowing your own desires to bring a child into the world that you can't care for. Tip of the hat from me.

flirtygirl Fri 29-Apr-16 21:48:24

Sounds like shes making a good decision, if she cant have her two children back, its not fair to them to have more children. Also its not fair to herself to have to feel she had to terminate if she got pregnant.

It certainly seems the lesser of the evils, its a brave choice but also very thoughtful for all concerned if she did choose to be sterilised.

Please tell your sister goodluck Op

ShtoppenDerFloppen Fri 29-Apr-16 22:11:34

My experience...

I was sterilised at 32. I have 2 living children and one who has passed (as well as having 3 late first/early second trimester losses). Pregnancies were very difficult for me medically - I approached my consultant regarding sterilisation while I was pregnant with DD. I had a c-section and tubal ligation at the same time.

When DD was 2 years old, we discovered that I have a genetic condition (mitochondrial DNA mutation) that I have passed on to all of my offspring. If I had known this earlier, I would have never had children in the first place. As it stands, I have been dealing with the guilt I feel for passing this illness to my children - causing death and disability. I know it is not an issue of blame - but I still struggle.

Only your DSis truly knows what is right for her, but I have the greatest respect for her for looking at the entire situation and understanding that having another child might not be the best decision after the struggles she has faced in the past.

You are a wonderful person to be so supportive and non-judgemental through this all - she is fortunate to have you.

MammaTJ Fri 29-Apr-16 22:26:01

I think it takes an amazing amount of courage to make this decision but it seems the right one for her existing children.

I can't help thinking, even in the unlikely event she was aloud to keep any baby she would have, that they would feel terribly resentful of their younger sibling and angry with her for not managing to keep them but keeping the younger one. It she did not manage to keep the next baby, they would be resentful too!

This is a brave decision! Well done!

Pseudo341 Fri 29-Apr-16 22:28:10

I think it's great that she's considering the needs of her existing children in this decision even though they're not living with her. She's still being the best mum she can to them in what are clearly very challenging circumstances. It really sounds like the right decision.

To be honest I get rather wound up with doctors trying to talk women out of sterilization. I had to really fight to get it even though another pregnancy could leave me full time in a wheelchair the doctor kept saying "but you might get broody" FFS! I have a friend who's childless and suffers from debilitating medical issues and urgently needs a hysterectomy if she's ever going to have any kind of life but they won't do it in case she want kids, she doesn't, she wants her life back.

I wish your sister all the best.

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