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is this unfair or am i being unfair

(34 Posts)
ghostspirit Fri 29-Apr-16 15:40:19

i have not spoken to bf about this yet. just wanted to know what people think before i do.

not this weekend but next i will be 38 weeks pregnant. baby is likely to be early and a fast birth. bf daughter who is in mid 20s has said can i borrow dad on that weekend. as she needs to get a brides maids fitting. which is a 90 min drive away from me. if i do go into labour then its not very likely he will get back in time. he missed out on our last babys birth because we were not together. and i think he should make the effort to be here for me and the baby when hes being born. but on the other hand i don't want to be the reason hes might be torn between me and his daughter.

she does drive herself but there is an issue with her brakes but she does not have the money to sort them. i said i could lend her the money. she said she dont know how much as she needs to take the car to the garage. and also im thinking if she cant use car why cant she just get the train. but as i said im not sure if im being selfish or not.... what do you think? also i have not spoken to bf yet. so just wondering what people think for now.

MaudGonneMad Fri 29-Apr-16 15:41:36

Of course you're not being selfish.

FuzzyOwl Fri 29-Apr-16 15:45:03

Ultimately it is his decision so it doesn't really matter whether she can or can't drive herself/get a train etc. You say you haven't spoken to him yet, but he is the one you need to be having this conversation with.

If he does want to go, could you compromise that if you do go into labour he immediately returns and his daughter makes her own way back later on?

ghostspirit Fri 29-Apr-16 15:47:44

fuzzy there is no way he would get back to me on time

OrangesandLemonsNow Fri 29-Apr-16 15:48:19

Of course YABU.

However you know what he is like and he is likely to do it anyway

OrangesandLemonsNow Fri 29-Apr-16 15:48:41


Birdsgottafly Fri 29-Apr-16 15:51:49

How fast are your usual labours and do you normally have 38 week pregnancies?

If he goes, he needs to have his phone on and she needs to be prepared to make her own way back.

FuzzyOwl Fri 29-Apr-16 15:53:41

Ok, very unlikely to get back in time and no way he would get back in time are different.

I would like to have my partner by my side when I gave birth, although my husband was working a four hour drive away (with no phone signal) when I was at full term with DD and just accepted it as one of those things. If it is something that is very important to you then let him know and he can decide but it sounds like you are effectively saying he cannot be anywhere that is further than an hour away (presumably, since 90 mins is too far) for several weeks in case you do go into labour. That wouldn't even allow enough time for my DH to get home from work on a busy day, so I would suggest you have a back up plan for him not being there even if he has the best intentions of doing so.

zzzzz Fri 29-Apr-16 15:55:02

Go with them?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Fri 29-Apr-16 15:56:15

You have to tell him how you feel, rather than hoping his DD will somehow work out that this isn't a great idea for you.

'DP, I'm worried that if you go away next weekend and I go into labour, you won't get back in time. My last labour was only x hours, and you'll be y hours away - I'd really prefer you to stay close by.'

Don't get into the conversation about the DD, let him then work it out.

MaudGonneMad Fri 29-Apr-16 15:56:32

How would going with them be a good idea when the OP says she has very quick labours?

zzzzz Fri 29-Apr-16 15:59:45

Because she wants her partner there hmm. Presumably there are hospitals in the bridesmaids dress town?

Is he staying home for the last few weeks?

ghostspirit Fri 29-Apr-16 16:07:26

yeah i cant go with him. i have other children. midwife said likely to be born early. as last baby was 10 days early baby before that was 4 days early... and there is only a 13 month age gap between this baby and last. its also been adviced to me what i should do if baby is born before midwife arrives. as this happend before. this is my 6th baby.

MaudGonneMad Fri 29-Apr-16 16:09:16

Are you having a home birth?

ghostspirit Fri 29-Apr-16 16:09:53

Yes having a home birth

zzzzz Fri 29-Apr-16 16:13:22

smile dc2, 20 mins 2 weeks early, dc5 3 hours 2weeks late! It's fine to ask him to stay. It's fine to leave the other kids with a babysitter and go with him. It's fine to let him go and risk that 90mins window is ok. Just ask for what you want.

ghostspirit Fri 29-Apr-16 16:19:12

im going to sound a cow now. but i dont mean to. my selfish side is thinking. she is in her 20s not a baby so to me she should be able to make her own way there without her dads help. and i think his babys birth is more important than a brides maid dress. its also only 1 train ride from her. on the other hand i dont (need) him here. but i think he should be.

JJoy342 Fri 29-Apr-16 16:23:56

Just tell him you want him at the labour, it's up to him to decide if he'll go or not, and like zzzzzz said, you can go with them as well, plenty of hospitals around and you have time to find a childminder.

But is he not suppose to go further then 90 mins from now on until the baby? that seems a little difficult to manage

JJoy342 Fri 29-Apr-16 16:26:35

You're allowed to think that and likewise she probably thinks, he'll love to be involved with her wedding etc and that since he's missed previous births, they're probably not that high on his radar. She doesn't need him there either but similar to you, thinks he should be.

Scarydinosaurs Fri 29-Apr-16 16:28:32

Why wasn't he there last time? Do you think that absence is making you more stressed now?

ghostspirit Fri 29-Apr-16 16:35:06

its not her wedding shes being a brdies maid for a friend.

scary he was not there before because we broke up. and i do think that is making me feel stressed. because im still holding a grudge over it if im honest. i feel like he needs to proove himself by doing his best to be here. and going on a 90 min non essential drive is not making the effort to make sure he is here. i dont see why i should do it alone again.... on the other hand the chances of my going imto labour on that date could be quite slim... i think its selfish of her to ask. but then she probably thinks the same of me

Lilaclily Fri 29-Apr-16 16:35:28

Who will look after your other kids though ? Are they his ?

ginnybag Fri 29-Apr-16 16:36:53

Is it her wedding, and this is the dress picking for her bridesmaids?

Or is it her going to be fitted for a dress for someone else's wedding?

The answer to that rather changes the picture. If it's her wedding, and she wants him involved, you probably should be trying to come up with something.

If, however, this is nothing but a dress fitting for someone else's wedding, then you do have every right to be asking her not to ask Dad to play Taxi right now. At the end of the day, she is a grown woman and should understand that her need for a lift doesn't trump her Dad's right to be at the birth of his child.

ginnybag Fri 29-Apr-16 16:37:36

Cross posts there, OP.

It's not selfish to want him available and she should understand this.

ghostspirit Fri 29-Apr-16 16:42:10

lilac im hoping someone will be about to watch them. there is my 18 year old. my 13 year old could watch for a bit whilst waiting for an adult. then there is my friend. and also my neighbour. but if i cant get hold of any of them im pooped.

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