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DD saying DSS "smacked her"

(148 Posts)
Wilberforce2 Wed 27-Apr-16 15:34:57

Stepson is 19 and lives with us, has done since he was 11.

DD who is 2 came into the kitchen earlier and saying "Mummy did this" and then proceeded to smack her leg, I asked her to tell me again and she said exactly the same thing, I then asked her why he did that and she said that she was trying to put a cushion in his face confused. I went in and asked dss why dd was saying that he had hit her on the leg and he just laughed and asked dd why she was "telling on him to Mummy' so then I asked him again and he said that she was shoving a cushion in his face while he was watching tv and he told her to stop but she didn't so he "tapped" her on the leg. I saw red and told him in no uncertain terms that I don't care what she did with the bloody cushion but he is to never ever hit/tap/smack her or whatever he wants to call it, this then involved much huffing about her annoying him and he then stormed upstairs and called his Dad.

DH just phoned and asked what was going on (dss now gone out) so I told him and he said well I've told him not to do it again but it was only a tap, so now I've gone mad at him and he has put the phone down on me!

FFS stepson is 19 years old, dd is 2 she can be bloody annoying as 2 year olds can but he is a man, how dare is bloody smack her on the leg for annoying him, I am so angry.

AIBU and over reacting?

ScrotesOnFire Wed 27-Apr-16 15:40:19

I think yabu tbh.
It's not like he beat her, it was a little tap!
Your DD doesn't sound too bothered from your description!

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Wed 27-Apr-16 15:43:41

YNBU. Any smacking or "little taps" the mum or dad do it.

Princesspeach1980 Wed 27-Apr-16 15:45:46

I would be fuming too, I choose not to smack and never have. I wouldn't be too impressed with DH either.

andintothefire Wed 27-Apr-16 15:45:49

YANBU to be angry. However I can see how your DSS made a one-off mistake and perhaps didn't appreciate that he was doing something so wrong. Can you talk to him about what he should do if your DD annoys him in a way that requires some physical intervention? I can see how it may have been a situation which he simply didn't know how to handle - obviously he was justified to some extent in physically stopping your DD pushing a cushion in his face because that is bad behaviour and not merely a mild annoyance.

The "just a tap" excuse is really poor from both your DH and DSS though. Even though it sounds from your post as though your DD wasn't actually hurt or very upset, that excuse ignores the fact that physical violence is wrong (in both your and my eyes and - I suspect - the majority of MN!)

I think you need to have a calm discussion with them both, but I am definitely on your side.

canyou Wed 27-Apr-16 15:45:53

Your DD was not bothered so I guess he did not hurt her. Yes at 19 yro he should know better then to tap a 2 yro but tbh O could see my DSS/DSD doing this if the DC were bugging them and attacking them with a pillow and did not stop when told to.
No need to go mad you made your point now come up with a system to allow your DSS manage DD bad behaviour which is acceptable to everyone except DD

Shakirasma Wed 27-Apr-16 15:46:30

So you saw red at DSS and ranted till he stormed off, and went mad at DH till he hung up on you?

I don't approve of smacking kids either but he hardly walloped her did he, it was a tap and although he needed telling that it's not the way you want her disciplined, yes, you have over reacted.

Move2WY Wed 27-Apr-16 15:46:32

I think its irrelevant if you are being unreasonable or not. From what it sounds he is unlikely to ever do it again!

DH is just trying to minimise damage by the sounds of it. Id just let it go now if I were you.

RubbleBubble00 Wed 27-Apr-16 15:47:30

Going ballistic is completely ridiculous. All you had to do was have a quiet chat with dss about handling dd

canyou Wed 27-Apr-16 15:48:52

PS my FSC put the offending child outside the room door on a time out. This works for us. All the DC need to kearn to live together even the smallest needs to respect others esp DSS and BIL who both have ASD.

Wilberforce2 Wed 27-Apr-16 15:51:11

He is saying it was a tap, dd saying (showing) it was harder and really walloping her leg, I have no idea as I wasn't in the room. I just don't think he should even be tapping her, I don't smack her not because I'm completely anti smacking but just because it's quite a major thing in my eyes and she hasn't done anything that has warranted a smack. I would expect that from my 7yo because he didn't know what else to do but not from a 19yo who knows better.

LolaSummerfield Wed 27-Apr-16 15:52:07

It doesn't sound like he beat her but he shouldn't have touched her at all.

If you'd made it clear that under no circumstances could he physically hit/tap her previously then YRNB

But if you've never specifically said that he wasn't to touch her and it was only a smack on the leg then you've overreacted.

Uncoping Wed 27-Apr-16 15:53:28

My 2 year old must be really behind then!

There's no way she would be able to fully explain to me that someone had hit her anywhere on the legs/bum. She doesn't have the speech or the know how.

peacheshoney Wed 27-Apr-16 15:53:55

It sounds like sibling horseplay.Total over-reaction
Do you like your DSS?

Witchend Wed 27-Apr-16 15:54:46

If he'd really walloped her there would have been a mark and she wouldn't have come calmly into the room to tell you, you'd have heard it from the moment it had happened.

Wilberforce2 Wed 27-Apr-16 15:55:16

Ok maybe I was bu to shout but I don't want anyone smacking her except me or dh, which we don't do anyway.

ScrotesOnFire Wed 27-Apr-16 15:56:41

But if he had really 'walloped' her leg she would have screamed and cried, no?
So the fact she was so chilled and just showed you smacking her leg suggests that he didn't hurt her?

MrsHathaway Wed 27-Apr-16 15:57:24

I understood that smacking is only legal from parents so as an adult who should know better he is committing an assault.

Laughing about it would have had me raging: it's an absolute no no chez Hathaway.

ThunderButt Wed 27-Apr-16 15:57:34

Poor lad. Total overreaction.

Well done for alienating him from Dad now his Dad has a new family.

fastdaytears Wed 27-Apr-16 15:57:56

Your DSS must be mortified about all of this. Has he come down yet?

Wilberforce2 Wed 27-Apr-16 15:58:18

Uncoping her speech is really good, she just came out to the kitchen and said "Mummy ** he did this" then hit her own leg and when I asked her why she said "me put cushion on his face"!

Yes I like him he is like my own son, he has lived here since he was 11 and I have been with his Dad since he was 7, I would be equally annoyed if it were my Mum or Sister.

HermioneJeanGranger Wed 27-Apr-16 15:59:22

It sounds like she was irritating him and he tried to get her to stop. Yes, he's 19 and should know better, but I don't think it warrants you getting so angry your DH hung up the phone.

Just speak to DSS and explain that he needs to walk away when his sister annoys him, not lash out. Or get him to come and get you if she won't leave him alone.

Crabbitface Wed 27-Apr-16 16:00:01

My two year old would very much be able to tell me if someone hit her and often does when her and her brother are bickering.

I think you probably slightly over reacted. I would consider his past behaviour toward your daughter. Are they close? Is he generally kind? I would also explain to him that you are against smacking or hitting of any kind and he mustn't do it again and show him how you would like him to deal with her in the future.

I think if he smacked her with any great force there would be a hand print or redness on her leg.

Wilberforce2 Wed 27-Apr-16 16:00:06

Ha ha ha ha! Thunderbut his Dad doesn't have a new family, we have been together since he was 7!!

stopfuckingshoutingatme Wed 27-Apr-16 16:01:15

I think yabu, and maybe need to build a few bridges to be honest

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