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To wonder what the hell I do when I cannot physically MAKE dd go to school?

(90 Posts)
neighbourhoodwoes Wed 27-Apr-16 14:13:23

Dd has additional needs and is currently on the waiting list for Camhs. Mid year seven she started to REALLY struggle. School stepped in and offered self esteem sessions and lowered homework. Actually the level of homework was so bad that it has been dramatically cut for ALL this years year sevens.

Now in year 8. Meltdowns have increased and become aggressive as she now lashes out and are basically morning and night during school term.

She is very overwhelmed at the moment due to masses of revision for end of year tests, staff telling them exams are harder this year, commenting people have failed due to spelling and grammar. (which she struggles with) add to this the teacher changed the entire classroom layout and has sat her next to the class clown when she has sensory issues and hates change. I know they can't help the classroom layout change but it has just added to the boiling pot for dd sad

She completely lost it this morning. Sat in the hall and screamed then trashed the house, when she realised she was going to be late (she has never had a late mark ever in school she lost it more. Completely hysterical. I rang school. No one was available to speak to me. I eventually got her in forty minutes late.

Shes 13 and as big as me. I cannot physically drag her to school but I don't know what the hell to do.

Please help.

AlbertHerbertHawkins Wed 27-Apr-16 14:17:55

Seek help. Ask for educational psychologist to a assess her needs. See what you would have to do to access an SNA for her. In the short term keep her home for a while on grounds of stress to give her a break and try to regroup. Consider occupational therapy input for her sensory issues. Those are some initial thoughts from me, a mum on a similar journey flowers

Melbournemel Wed 27-Apr-16 14:18:11

Didn't want to read and run but unfortunately I don't have any advice to give you. flowers for you though op, it sounds like an awful situation for you both. Have you any idea when you are likely to get an appointment with CAMHS? Are the school aware just how much your dd is struggling?

neighbourhoodwoes Wed 27-Apr-16 14:25:45

Thank you.

Shes terrified of staying off school because she's scared of dropping down sets even though i have told her that it doesn't matter what set she is in as long as it is the right set for her but they have played up this what pathway you are on affecting what year nine options she can pick but she doesn't want to go either.

She sat there screaming she wasn't going, then screaming she had to go then didn't know what to do over and over this morning.

neighbourhoodwoes Wed 27-Apr-16 14:27:14

Ive been in contact with school to tell them how much she is struggling.
8 months and counting on Camhs waiting list sad

BrandNewAndImproved Wed 27-Apr-16 14:37:09

Fuck that. Is homeschooling an option for a year or a change of school. They sound really unsupportive of her. I'd pull her out if I was you I doubt it's going to get better.

leelou905 Wed 27-Apr-16 14:38:52

I would be considering home education.

insan1tyscartching Wed 27-Apr-16 14:44:01

Ask to speak to the SENCo, let them know your dd's anxiety is so high you believe that she will soon be absent either because of illness or her refusing to attend. Ask what can be done to help her whilst you await CAMHs appointment.
Dd currently misses one morning and one afternoon each week with school's agreement in an attempt to stave off her refusing to attend it is working for now.
Perhaps your dd needs a break too.
Please don't think of dragging her in to school she needs to go in of her own free will,consider her anxiety an illness and the meltdowns a symptom. If she was physically unwell you'd keep her at home so don't feel bad about keeping her at home because of her mental health.
It is really tough,you have to become your daughter's strongest ally and stand by what is right for her. I suspect that the school think I pander to dd but I will not allow school attendance to be a priority over her emotional well being and the school have come to terms with that.

unlucky83 Wed 27-Apr-16 14:52:38

Will she understand consequence? My DD (ADHD) hasn't stopped school refusing but did start being late, missing the bus every day.
She is surgically attached to her phone. The deal is she misses the bus she doesn't get her phone for the day. I take it off her at night anyway (else she would never get to sleep) and she gets it back on the way on the door in the morning -so if she is going to miss the bus she doesn't get it. And it is all about her - she is going to school for her, I know it is hard for her and she just has to do the best she can, stick it out for as long as she can to give herself the best life chances etc.
I am pretty sure I have ADHD and I started school refusing at around your DDs age -and I started by being late, missing buses etc and I know it is impossible to get a teenager to go to school - you have my complete sympathy - I dread DD doing that but touch wood so far she hasn't...
I think you need to tell her she doesn't have to do it by the book (It is easier if she does) but even if she fails now there are always resits -or later life I did A levels, a degree and a post grad -started in my late 20s - and I actually enjoyed it then....
Good Luck

MadamDeathstare Wed 27-Apr-16 14:53:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

neighbourhoodwoes Wed 27-Apr-16 14:53:36

I have spoken to Senco. She did say when I mentioned Camhs that she thought we should tell them we didn't need the appointment because dd isn't self harming. I don't want to get to the point she is before we get help!

I am a single working parent with little support so not sure how i could work home ed and i'm not confident on secondary curriculum. Ive considered InterHigh but my job isn't secure enough to commit to a large monthly amount.

neighbourhoodwoes Wed 27-Apr-16 14:56:29

Can you repeat a year in UK schools? I think she would hate it though.

SukeyTakeItOffAgain Wed 27-Apr-16 14:57:52

These poor, poor kids sad School has become a ridiculous farce. What stupid pressure to put on children that age.

BrandNewAndImproved Wed 27-Apr-16 14:58:40

I wonder if she could stay home whilst you're at work and do lessons online. It'd give her a break from the stress and being by herself might make her want to go back (maybe a different school) to school in September. There isn't any point forcing her at her age imo.

MattDillonsPants Wed 27-Apr-16 15:00:26

This must be so awful OP....I hate the way our schools try to churn the kids out in a certain mould and if they don't fit, it does this to them!

I wonder if the school might be better changed. I know the change could be stressful for her but perhaps this one isn't the right fit?

AugustaFinkNottle Wed 27-Apr-16 15:00:53

The SENCO sounds an idiot if she thinks the only criterion for CAMHS is self harming. Can you talk to the GP about her? It may be useful to have them onside in case you need medical notes to excuse non-attendance or to access home tuition.

Did the SENCO offer any other support, or talk about whether she might need an EHC Plan?

mangocoveredlamb Wed 27-Apr-16 15:01:14

What a tough situation OP.
Ignore the SENCO CAMHS isn't just for teenagers who self-harm.
If you are not committed to the idea of home Ed then don't let school or other services try to push you in that direction, while home Ed is brilliant for loads of families it does mean the school and the LA no longer have a responsibility to your DD.
It might also be worth contacting the education welfare officer for your school to see if they have any advice or ideas.

neighbourhoodwoes Wed 27-Apr-16 15:05:25

Dd is very young for her age so I am not sure she would be safe home while I worked.

I have seen the gp recently. She is doing her best but the waiting list for camhs here is huge.

Have looked at other schools. No where easy reachable has space.

neighbourhoodwoes Wed 27-Apr-16 15:07:32

Ive tried to speak to the welfare officer today. The office said she would ring me but when I rang back office said they had spoken to her and just to tell dd not to worry about the late mark.

NewLife4Me Wed 27-Apr-16 15:09:34

I would use the great opportunity for
Let her have a break for a few months, until September and take it from there.
If she won't go there is a good reason for it.

NewLife4Me Wed 27-Apr-16 15:12:06

Sorry, not sure how i missed your h.ed posts.
Is there somebody who could keep her company during the daytime. do you have a sahm friend or relative she could stay with.

Lalalili Wed 27-Apr-16 15:13:10

Your poor dd. She might soon be old enough for HE to be an option even if she isn't now, or maybe a change of school? Could you say something like "DD don't worry, I promise that we will consider other options together in six months time if things don't improve". It might help to control her feeling of there being no escape if she knows that there might soon be other options available to her.

Verbena37 Wed 27-Apr-16 15:13:13

If you can afford to, I'd suggest getting a private assessment rather than waiting for camhs. If this isn't an option, you don't need a diagnosis to speak to the SENCo. Explain your DDs issues and ask if there is perhaps a nurture room/support room where she can go for some of her lessons. Reducing the class size, giving her a safe, calmer place to go and having teachers listen more, could help really reduce her anxiety. Also, ask the senco if they have those cards she can hand in to the teacher at the start of a lesson.....they can be for student with anxiety, ASD, sensory needs, dyslexia etc. They have bullet points saying how the child is feeling that day to remind staff how to help. Things like I need to sit near the front or I like to sit near Sam or please can I have a writing slope etc. It's so they don't have to verbalise their needs in front of others but makes staff aware.

You can also ask for an educational psychologist to assess her for her needs at school.

Lalalili Wed 27-Apr-16 15:14:26

Sorry, just seen that a change of school isn't an option.Can you put her on waiting lists?

toastandbutterandjam Wed 27-Apr-16 15:16:52

This sounds exactly like my Dsis! She is in year 7, waiting to be assessed by CAMHS. We have been on the waiting list for around 8 months.
She has major problems with homework, social skills etc and the school have offered no support, so she no longer wants to go to school!

We have constant bullying in AND out of school, school wont do anything. Constant meltdowns over homework, uniform, every little thing.

She keeps telling us she wants to move schools, but no school around us have any spaces (she got into none of her 5 secondary choices, so that has made things 10x worse).

The other day, she came home and said "I wish I was dead right now"sad
School have banned her from speaking to her friends, so she has to sit on her own at break.
School have moved her UP in her classes although she was struggling in the lower sets.

We literally don't know what to do anymore. We did consider home ed for a while, but we got told that we would be doing her more harm because of the social problems.

We asked the school about flexi-schooling. They've said no.
I'm sorry I can't offer you any support, but you are not alone in thisflowers

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