8 years with dp and still no progress

(110 Posts)
rachlouhart Tue 26-Apr-16 18:07:53

i have been with DP for 8 years we have together dd1 5 years and dd2 6 m. i feel as though our relationship is stuck in a massive rut. our sex life has dwindled, we very rarely have date nights (most likely down to the two kiddos!) over the past year or so, i have been dropping hints about where we are headed i really want to get married, we are on a different page entirely, he has never once brought up the subject , am i being Aibu? does marraige even have to play a factor? can you be happy and commited without it?? does he love me or maybe just not enough?all these thoughts are running through my head. we had a bit of a row about it (ok maybe me shouting and him being very quiet) he works long hours and plays sport semi professionally along side of that half the yeat inc weekends. i told him i feel like his maid and nanny! i know he loves me and loves our family, but he is selfish and i want more out of this relationship than he is currently giving aibu?

BarkGruffalo Tue 26-Apr-16 19:32:38

How do you think your relationship will change if you get married? Unfortunately a piece of paper isn't going to alter the situation. I think you both need to think about what you want and maybe talk to Relate.

curren Tue 26-Apr-16 19:37:10

I am married. But I don't think a couple has to be married. It's doesn't make it better or worse. But some people, like me, want the legal protection of marriage.

If you want it, that's not unreasonable. But neither is he.

However, I have to ask if you have always wanted to get married and he doesn't. How have you not discussed this seriously? Have you never said 'marriage is imporatant to me'.

You have 2 kids with him, I don't get how you an both be on different pages with something as big as this.

If your relationship isn't good, why do you still want to get married?

Do you have legal protection in place in the event you do split.

I think you need to sort out your relationship. Counselling or even just talking things out. The fact that you both have different ideas of what you want isn't helping. Only when you have sorted your issues, should you be getting married.

greebstreebling Tue 26-Apr-16 19:37:42

Why don't you ask him if he wants to get married? You don't have to wait for him to ask. Or even have a conversation about your relationship if you're not happy?

LeaLeander Tue 26-Apr-16 19:39:20

One can't help but be curious: If marriage is a priority for you, why tie yourself with children to someone who has made it pretty clear he doesn't want marriage?

Have you considered individual counseling to help you sort out your thoughts?

rachlouhart Tue 26-Apr-16 19:56:26

its not that he doesnt want to, its that he has never raised it, and to him marriage is not a priority and if i do raise it its quickly dismissed. we have two children together because we are very happy and click and agree on everything except on this one thing. i was never really all that fussed about marriage and has only been over the past two years its crept into my mind, you are right marriage is just abit of paper, and out relationship is great, im just now wanting more out of it even more so now we have DD2.

rachlouhart Tue 26-Apr-16 19:58:10

our sex life is in a rut yes, but im putting that down to the baby mostly, i feel like im wanting more we are happy but i do feel selfish in expecting more

MatildaTheCat Tue 26-Apr-16 20:04:40

Marriage is not just a piece of paper and I strongly suspect you know that and want him to marry you which is perfectly reasonable. Since he's clearly not on the same page you really need to tell him pretty firmly what you want.

It's really ok to want to be married and say so. You do sound in a rut and that's very normal with a small baby but there's only one way to improve things and that means talking honestly and saying what you want to happen. To be fair it could hardly be a huge surprise to him?

Good luck. flowers

expatinscotland Tue 26-Apr-16 20:07:01

Marriage is far from 'just a piece of paper' if you are an unmarried partner who jacked in working outside the home to look after the kids. You're in a very vulnerable financial position.

TheCrumpettyTree Tue 26-Apr-16 20:10:46

Legally marriage isn't just a bit of paper. I don't understand how you can have two children with someone and at the same time don't know where you're headed.

curren Tue 26-Apr-16 20:11:56

You are stuck in rut, your sex kids has gone (though that may be in part because of the baby), you can't discuss what you want for the future and you think your relationship is great?

rachlouhart Tue 26-Apr-16 20:13:31

in lots of ways it is for protection, iv had leave me job to be a sahm. he owns our house, when this house was bought his name is soley on the mortgage inhave no idea why i didnt quiery this at the time, but i must admit recklessly as a teen i damaged my credit rating somewhat and assumed id be best off anything financial, now though i think if anything did go wrong id be left with the clothes on my back and him a house, since having the children marriage has slowly been on my mind not really thought about it before children, inhabe tried to talk but he makes jokes and changes the subject which is frustrating

Duckdeamon Tue 26-Apr-16 20:17:04

I'd bet money (I don't gamble) that he knows fine well that you are in an economically precarious position because you're unmarried and has no intention of marrying you.

rachlouhart Tue 26-Apr-16 20:17:53

thecrumpettytree thanks for your input but as i mentioned before marriage was not part of my agenda nor important to me at that time, we have a good relationship, he is kind and faithful and a wonderful father to our children, it is only recently that i have pondered marriage as before i was never really that bothered about it at all having.my two children has changed my view on it. and now thinking i want this as part of my life

mudandmayhem01 Tue 26-Apr-16 20:17:55

Is it marriage or weddings he isn't keen on. How does he react to a simple trip to the registrar office. My dh was very cynical about weddings and the whole wedding industry but very happy to be married to me.

Duckdeamon Tue 26-Apr-16 20:19:11

Suggest you seek legal advice on what, if anything, you might be entitled to if you break up.

Also suggest you seek a job. If your partner needs to adjust his work pattern to make this possible, he should. If he won't, that's just further evidence he's a waste of space.

rachlouhart Tue 26-Apr-16 20:20:53

im sure we have all been in a postion where you differ on things and may seem like you are talkimg to a brick wall, yes my relationship is good as i count my blessings that in spite of both our faults hes a amazing father. it needs work on both our sides admittedly

Duckdeamon Tue 26-Apr-16 20:24:43

Yes, but you are a SaHM with no assets or legal and financial protection. How your relationship is day to day isn't the point: you are in a really vulnerable position and he is OK with that.

rachlouhart Tue 26-Apr-16 20:25:42

duckdeamon my maternity leave runs out in september, but even so after that id struggle my Dp works for a football club and works anywhere between 8am until 10pm extra hours if there is matches on etc including weekends. parents on bothsides work full time so at the moment its just me with the two children

rachlouhart Tue 26-Apr-16 20:27:32

from the vague discussions mainly wedding thats the put off.

rachlouhart Tue 26-Apr-16 20:29:51

i do worry about that from time to time, i feel like im a drain on his finances, (we dont have a joint account and i have no access to his) so if i need nappies wipes things for the children i have to ask, which makes me feel crap

Duckdeamon Tue 26-Apr-16 20:30:33

Good, so you do have a job to return to. Your DP has become a parent too and given he is apparently unwilling to marry you then it's totally unreasonable of him to expect you to stop work. You need to work for your financial security, since you currently have none.

peggyundercrackers Tue 26-Apr-16 20:32:25

What do you mean when you say you want more out of the relationship? Why do you think marriage will give you more?

mudandmayhem01 Tue 26-Apr-16 20:32:38

That's a good sign, I know its not very romantic but how about a conversation like, shall I ring the registry office and see when they can slot us in, you can book our favourite restaurant for afterwards? Job done! If he recoils from this ask him what his plans are.

Duckdeamon Tue 26-Apr-16 20:32:40

You have no access to family money?! For essentials. He's sounding worse and worse OP shock

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