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To think there isn't enough aftercare after a miscarriage

(62 Posts)
Justmeagain78 Tue 26-Apr-16 14:46:35

Was reading a rather emotional letter in Psychologies magazine that a mum had written to the unborn baby she had miscarried. It brought it back a bit for me how I felt after my miscarriage - guilt that I'd done something wrong and was being punished, horror at the grossness of it all, utter terror at the thought of getting pregnant again, feeling sick every time I saw a mother and baby together. I know miscarriage is very common but I do feel now that I should have had more support. All I was given was a general leaflet about miscarriage, and told that within a month I should be able to conceive again! shock AIBU to feel angry about this now or should I have just got on with it?

SummerRosie321 Tue 26-Apr-16 14:55:11

At least you got a letter. I got the comment "it's probably for the best as you're so young you wouldn't make a good mother" really helped my depression. That was by the nurse at my local clinic. The hospital just told me then left me to go get my bus in shock.

Bowserlovesmojitos Tue 26-Apr-16 14:59:44

I agree - no follow up or additional advice. I think I was told if I was still upset a few weeks on then I could self refer for counselling but very vague and not really useful.
It's different for everyone but I massively struggled with each subsequent period and what I saw as my failure to conceive again. There was no mention of ongoing feelings or issues after it all sad

gingerbreadmanm Tue 26-Apr-16 15:08:43

Been through miscarraige and stillbirth. Stillbirth is as bad. 10 minute talk with grief counsellor before leaving hospital and a few nhs counselling appointments with a relationship counsellor.

Horrendous. Thank god for charities that help with this kind of thing.

Suziesome1 Tue 26-Apr-16 15:15:37

When mc'd, it was treated very matter of fact. I appreciated it. It wasn't a baby, it was a collection of cells (5/6 weeks,) and it was based on pure biology. It wasn't viable. Nothing to do with me or my actions. Being so matter of fact helped put it into perspective so I dealt with it much better. Sorry your struggling, could you see your gp for a referral if you need to talk things through?

Suziesome1 Tue 26-Apr-16 15:17:11

Ginger- flowers that sounds awful!!!

chubbymummy Tue 26-Apr-16 15:17:56

There's nowhere near enough support for miscarriage, either during or after.
I've had 4 missed miscarriages which all dragged out for several weeks/months. I was given very little information about what was happening to me, what would happen next etc.

Mumsnet was the place I turned for advice and support, I couldn't have coped without having people to talk to who really understood my emotions and fears, as well as being able to talk me through the practicalities.

I think miscarriage on the whole isn't talked about enough. It still seems to be such a taboo subject. I couldn't believe how many people confessed their own losses once they knew about mine, though they all downplayed it and said "Oh it was years ago." or "but it was okay because I got pregnant again a few months later."

I think about my 4 lost babies often but don't talk about them, even to my husband or closest family as it seems to make them really uncomfortable. It's as though everybody expects me to forget all about them.

Fratelli Tue 26-Apr-16 15:18:04

Yanbu. Obviously having a miscarriage was extremely upsetting. But I found the lack of care throughout the whole process to be the most traumatising thing.

KittyandTeal Tue 26-Apr-16 15:24:55

I agree. I am lucky and live in a trust that invests in care for women suffering pregnancy loss but it has still been minimal.
I had a huge amount of medical involvement and care during dd2s diagnosis. After she had been born (dead) at 22 weeks I got a hurried community mw call asking if I needed to see her, my response was 'my baby's dead so I guess not' which should have been telling in itself. Her response was along the lines of okay dokey, were really busy shock

I got myself private counselling after being told I'd be ok after 6 weeks.

I had brilliant care through my next pregnancy but the same, after I'd found out he'd died and delivered him then almost nothing. My counsellor works at the hospital as a bereavement midwife so could see me but only just as at 14 weeks it was only just considered a late loss.

Crabbitface Tue 26-Apr-16 15:29:40

Couldn't agree more. Here you get your twelve week scan alongside a booking appointment with a midwife. I went along to mine and had my scan first - the sonographer seemed very inexperienced and told me very nervously that I was going to miscarry and pretty much handed me my jacket. I asked what happened next, I had no idea what to expect. Did I need to have medical help? Literally not a clue. Sonographer didn't have a clue either. Said she'd phone the early pregnancy unit. They told her they were very busy and it was a bank holiday so I wouldn't be seen for weeks by which point I would have had a natural miscarriage and to tell me it felt like a period. I asked if I could see the midwife I was already booked in with and told no. I felt like I wasn't important now I wasn't pregnant. She went to find me a leaflet and came back ten minutes later with nothing - they had run out.

It was NOTHING like a period.

KittensandKnitting Tue 26-Apr-16 15:30:40

Not my experience at all, and I have had 4.

The support from my GP was really good, for my chemical pregnancies. The support from my EPU from the moment I arrived to even now (I'm now on pregnancy number 5 under the reoccurring miscarriage clinic) has been beyond wonderful - I honestly could not have got through it without them.

What I do think is that we in RL do not talk about it enough, it's almost seen as something that we shouldn't talk about the last taboo subject and it shouldn't be like that at all, people who haven't experienced it don't understand I actually lost one friend through it who was so horrible and dismissive of my grief I can't bear to talk to her anymore. Others who had experienced it really helped me through it - I only confided in two people as I felt ashamed.

There are more and more support groups popping up. I was given the details of my local "peer" support group at the time and a number of a local helpline.

There are groups that meet and if you see your GP they can help you with this and actually talking to professionals if you need.

I'm just so sad that so many of you didn't experience the same as me from the medical profession, women should be told about all of these things without having to ask.

flowers for your losses

KittensandKnitting Tue 26-Apr-16 15:33:05

Xpost crabbit that is just so very very awful and sad, oh gosh I'm just so sorry

gingerbreadmanm Tue 26-Apr-16 15:33:58

Thanks suzie.

I must admit throughout my very drawn out mmc i relied a lot on mn for advice on what to expect. That shouldn't be the case though. I put my life at risk due to interpreting advice given on here wrongly and spent three hours heamorraging at home thinking it was normal. Fortunately it stopped of it's own accord until it happened again a few days late then again after that

What mumsnet was good for was telling me i had choice whereas my hospital pushed me in the direction they saw best for managing mmc.

The psychological affects of that haunt me more than my sons stillbirth.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Tue 26-Apr-16 15:44:34

I got none at all, so anything would be an improvement.

Found out at 8 weeks that I'd had a missed miscarriage. I asked for the D&C, was refused and told to just wait for "nature to take its course". It took two weeks ( the longest of my life ) and when it happened I haemorrhaged so bad I half filled a mop bucket. Got rushed to hospital, lost conciousness several times. The paramedics and staff in the recuss ward were amazing. Very caring, sensitive and tried to afford me some dignity ( I was still losing a lot of blood so kept having to be stripped and changed ). The problems came when I was transferred to maternity.

Was made to have tissue removed by hand as "there's no point giving you a tablet to make it come away, you've bled most of it out". It was really painful and upsetting and even though I asked my partner to wait outside they told him no you can stay angry. Was sent to ward and told they couldn't get it all but it should come away overnight. Next morning sent for a scan, left in a blood covered hospital gown in a waiting room full of pregnant women waiting for their scans. There was still tissue remaining. Went back up to ward and was told again to just wait, I became upset and which point I was sneered at by a midwife who very nicely commented "Well I don't know why your so upset, you've known the baby was dead for weeks." She then walked out the room and said "Well I was going to get you the tablet, but I'm not dealing with you while your like this." 2 hours later no one had been back and they were ignoring my buzzer. I staggered into the corridor and passed out - luckily in front of a consultant. I was finally given the tablet to make it come away and discharged - no one to pick me up just told to leave. I asked if I had to come back for a scan to make sure there was no tissue remaining and again was sneered at and told that there was no way there could be anything left. 4 weeks later and I was on anti biotics for the massive infection caused by tissue being left behind. That was that, not only no emotional support but really shoddy treatment from medical staff at one of the lowest points of my life.

Sorry it's so long, but that's the first time I've told the whole thing. God it looks bad written down. sad

gingerbreadmanm Tue 26-Apr-16 15:52:18

So sorry about your treatment weebaby felt like i was well looked after after reading that.

I hope it hasnt put you off.

I had the manual removal too which didnt work its awful.

Justmeagain78 Tue 26-Apr-16 15:56:47

I had a many that didn't work - the male doctor told me it would feel just like a smear test. Of course he would know what smear tests are like(!) Funnily enough it was ten times worse,

Justmeagain78 Tue 26-Apr-16 15:57:08

Sorry manual not many.

Suziesome1 Tue 26-Apr-16 15:59:43

Weebaby- that's horrific!!!!! I hope you've put in a complaint (or will do). How can hcps treat people like that??? Jesus!!!

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Tue 26-Apr-16 16:01:07

No, it didn't put me off. DS is currently running around aggressively waving a cushion at pieces of furniture.

I feel bad comparing it to the women who have had stillbirths and late miscarriages, as the pain/trauma must be so much worse. flowers for everyone who has been through this.

KittyandTeal Tue 26-Apr-16 16:03:19

Holy shit weebaby. That is utterly horrific.

My experience is that there doesn't seem to be the things in place to deal with the aftermath of MC. All the medical professionals I have come across have been wonderfully supportive and sympathetic.

It seems that is not always the case. I cannot believe you have been treated so appallingly. 💐

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Tue 26-Apr-16 16:04:42

TBH I was just drained/numb after it happened and went into "pretend none of it has happened" mode. I was dealing with an arsehole bf as well who was making it all about him so I just sort of forgot about it. I only really got angry once I'd had my son and it was just over a year later so just let it go. If I could go back in time I'd have absolutely put in a formal complaint.

toomuchtooold Tue 26-Apr-16 16:05:04

Best experience was number two - the one where they were nice about it and gave me a leaflet. Worst one was number 3 - I went for a private scan at 10 weeks and therefore found out I had had a missed miscarriage. I phoned the EPU of the NHS hospital I was booked into for my 12 week scan but the receptionist wouldn't pass on a message to the clinic head to get me admitted for an ERPC, nor could she tell me the proper process for asking for one, and I only got further forward by actually turning up and refusing to leave until they booked me in. The middling one was the first one, where I started losing a lot of blood and went to A&E, was made to wait standing at the triage point, bleeding on the floor, while the receptionist chatted and laughed with a paramedic. Miscarriage completed in the A&E toilets, then I was admitted, and I was given an inexpert internal exam by the clearly extremely nervous junior doctor on the night shift.

Sorry, that's a bit grim.

AppleMagic Tue 26-Apr-16 16:13:13

Fucking hell Weebaby flowers

When I found out my 11 week baby had no heartbeat I was made to wait in the scanner room (half undressed following internal scan) for 40mins whilst they found someone to give the necessary "second opinion", then returned to wait in the main waiting room with all the heavily pregnant women. Finally my obstetrician realised this was unacceptable so took me to stand by some lockers next to the fire escape. Eventually I was given the tablets for medical management in a Jiffy bag (no information leaflet etc) and sent home. Im in Ireland, not UK though.

toomuchtooold Tue 26-Apr-16 16:16:28

Jesus, weebaby. That's shocking even to me.

KittyandTeal Tue 26-Apr-16 16:18:59

Some of these stories are terrible.

I was angry at having to sit in the pregnant women's waiting room whilst waiting for the pathology appointment for dd2. I now know there is another waiting room that I will be using for the appointment for ds.

My hospital seems to be leaps and bounds a head of some places.

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