AIBU to feel really down about my work situation at the moment?

[Snowey101]

I know the answer is probably yes. I appreciate there are people out there who have it a lot worse than me at the moment, I really do. I just need to vent I think.

Some of you may remember this thread of mine www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2567812-WIBU-to-quit-my-job?pg=1 a couple of months ago.

(In a nutshell, I started a new job and it was absolutely horrendous. From day 1 I was bullied, I never got shown or given any work and so after a month I quit)

After quitting I was obviously really worried that I wouldn't get another job and it would look really bad on my CV (But felt I had to include it on my CV as otherwise it would just look like I left my previous job for...nothing?)

I temped for a few weeks doing various things and then I got offered 2 job opportunities. One was permanent and quite good money, working for a small, family business. However I didn't get a very good feeling from the company, it was an hour and 15 mins commute each way every day and they wanted me in the office 7.30-5.30 every day. The other was meant to be a temp role but the interview went really well and they liked me and said I'd be perfect for 2 new permanant roles that they were getting signed off. The interviewer (my manager) assured me both roles would meet my salary expectations I met the team and really liked them, it is only a 20 minute commute and 9-5 hours so I decided to take that one.

I started a month ago, the people really are lovely and we have a good laugh. It's been really slow getting going work wise but the bits I have been doing I have enjoyed. Anyway, said roles did get signed off and I applied for both of them and was to be interviewed for both in one interview but at interview stage I decided I would only go for one of the roles as after some thought, I felt I didn't have enough experience for the other.

It went well, they offered me the job and I was over the moon as I do really like the company....until they talked salary. It was 7k less than we discussed, which just isn't viable for me at the moment. I said this, they apologised and said they didn't realise i'd been promised X salary, but the salary for that role was that amount and they couldn't higher it. They said that the salary for the role I decided not to interview for would match my salary requirements but that yes, really, I needed a year or 2's experience in my current role before I could seriously be considered.

So that is that and I am back to square one really. I am still there and still mostly enjoying it but I am really struggling to live on my temp salary (which is a 7k pay drop from my last salary) My boyfriend is having to sub me at the moment which isn't ideal.

I am applying for jobs left, right and centre but having no luck. I have debt I am trying to pay off, trying to pay for food and bills (though thankfully my DP has taken over the bills for now, but I hate that he has to) I feel like I'm just stuck at the moment. I want to plan my future but I don't even know what I'll be earning next month let alone anything else.

I'm nearly 30 and want to get married, there is no way my DP would consider getting engaged until I've got my work situation sorted which I understand, but I have no idea when that will be. Up until Feb I have always been in a secure, permanent (well as secure and perm as any job can be at the moment) job, and just getting on with life. Now I just feel like a complete loser. All my friends are doctors, lawyers, nurses, teachers. They actually have CAREERS whereas I am just stuck doing dead end admin jobs that bore me to tears.

Every job I see that interests me I am not qualified for, every job that I am qualified for, the salary is stupidly low and I just can't seem to summon up any interest in it. (I think I just got lucky the last 6 or so years as the two companies that I worked for were in sectors that pay quite well, despite the job) I have no money to retrain, debt I need to clear and bills that need to be paid

I think my CV looks a bit dodgy now due to having a 4 week job on there and now a temp job. At nearly 30, temping doesn't look that impressive does it.

Perhaps I just need to suck it up and accept i'm not going to be able to earn the same salary that I have earnt previously and get a bar job or something to supplement the rest, but the thought of doing that depresses me too. I just want a career. I am regretting so many life choices at the moment, I never should have gone to uni, it's done my no good apart from land me in shed loads of debt. I'm never going to use my degree.

I feel like I should be using this time as an 'opportunity' to start my own business, but I have no funds to do so and no idea what I would do anyway.

Sorry for the woe is me post, I'm just feeling really despondent today. Seems like everyone else has their shit together and I'm just on the road to nowhere.

[flowery]

"there is no way my DP would consider getting engaged until I've got my work situation sorted"

What's your work situation got to do with whether he wants to spend the rest of his life with you or not?

When having to put up with a less than ideal situation, it's a million times easier if you feel there is a reason for it and you have a long term plan and can see even a little bit of progress towards it.

Leaving all these barriers aside, what do you want to do? Then think about what's stopping you from getting there. Then think about what you can do to remove those barriers.

[RainIsAGoodThing]

I feel for you. I remember your first thread and you were put in an awful position. I've been extremely unhappy at work too, and don't underestimate the emotional toll that an experience like yours can take on you.

It sounds almost silly to call it traumatic, but really that is what it is. I didn't realise it at the time, but it took me a while to recover after my experiences.

In a years time it is almost certain that things will be completely different. Try to hold on to that. Do what you can, go at your own pace, and stop comparing yourself to other people. It doesn't matter what they are doing - the race is long, and in the end it's only with yourself

[saoirse31]

So ur dp getting married to u is dependent on how much money u have? I wouldn't be keeping that relationship.

[Snowey101]

Well, I guess that's a different thread tbh. He says he won't marry me/ get engaged whilst i've still got debt (I was on track to having it all paid off in 18 months, that might be longer now my salary has dropped!) So he definitely wouldn't consider it if I don't have a stable job!

Yes Rain that is kind of how I feel tbh. A bit traumatised by it all. I have to push it to the back of my mind as when I remember that horrible experience I feel really anxious. I think it's affected me a lot more than I thought it would. Which is why I'm so wary/ cautious now about who I work for/ accepting a job that I get any bad vibes about. I really couldn't go through all that again.

The trouble is I don't really know what I want to do. Something involving animals ideally, but it never pays well.

Weirdly, I quite like the idea of estate agency as I love property...but again, the basic salaries around here are like 12-15k and then you earn commission on top of that. I've been on 26/27k for the past 6 years and have bills etc that align with that salary. I just wouldn't be able to afford the drop, as obviously commission isn't guaranteed.

Argh, I don't know. I just wish I'd made better life choices.

[BeckyMcDonald]

You earn more than me and I've been in a 'professional' career for 14 years. I'm good at it and I love it but I don't earn much and never will so I wouldn't feel bad about your salary.

I don't think your boyfriend is being very nice though. If he loves you enough to marry you then who cares about a bit of debt. I presume we're talking a few thousand rather than 100k which is life-changing. My husband married me with lots of debt from my student, post-grad and very low salaried days. Before we married we remortgaged and pud it off becausex we're a team.

[rwilkinson84]

I completely understand how frustration your situation is as I was in the same one a few years ago.

I ended up doing a bunch of online courses (mostly free or on Groupon deals etc) and retrained. It was a tough slog but I ended up bagging my (almost) dream job and I'm so glad I did it.

You have another issue here: your boyfriend. Refusing to commit to spending the rest of his life with you because you have debt? Lots of people have debt, whether it's student, bank loan, car repayments etc, and that doesn't stop them committing to each other. I might be totally wrong but from reading what you've said about his attitude it's like he's treating you like a bad investment because you've got some debt?

[lorelei9here]

OP I'm sorry to hear that
if it makes you feel better I was temping at 30, just a spell of 6 months or so till the next good opportunity came round.

I know it's horrible to not when the next good opportunity is but please don't let it put you off applying for stuff.

could you take a second job to pay off your debts? I had 2 jobs for quite some time, it's not as bad as it sounds when there is a clear financial goal. Then your BF wouldn't have to sub you and you'd feel better all round.

[CheshireDing]

Hi OP, I have just sent you a pm.

[andintothefire]

My initial reaction is that I think you are being far too hard on yourself. You are struggling in terms of salary but in career terms you are not in a bad position at all. You are working for a company you like, and which seems to value you. Your problem is that you need a bit more experience to get the salary you need. They may have suggested two years of experience, but I reckon that if you impress them and get on with your current role you may feel confident enough to apply for jobs in that higher salary range within 6 months to a year. Don't worry at all about periods of temping on your CV. It is very normal now not to start a proper career until late 20s / early 30s.

So I think your first real problem is financial. It is tough, but I don't think you should feel guilty about your bf subbing you. You are working hard and taking steps that will put you in a much better position within a foreseeable timescale. You just need a job that will move you on in terms of career progression, and it sounds as though your current position may be one solution. You also never know when another job will come up. However I really think you need to have a discussion with your bf about cutting back on things if you feel uncomfortable that he is paying for your lifestyle.

There is however an overall suggestion in your post that what you really want is a career change, and not just the admin jobs you are doing (even a better paid one in a couple of years). You are NOT too old to start again on a much lower salary. Those doctors you mention often don't start until their late twenties. Isn't it so much more important to be somewhere you want to be in five years time than to try to keep up with a particular lifestyle now? Ultimately I think you need to sit down and work out exactly what you can manage on in terms of salary (which will probably involve temporarily large changes to your lifestyle), and then not worry about taking the plunge in an entry level job that will probably get you somewhere you want to be much more quickly than you think.

[pinkstinks]

Ah it's so shit :( well done on getting out of the other place!
It's hard my 2 year role recently came to an end and all the available jobs are around 5k less and I was only on £24k it's been really tough. I've now got a job but an waiting for The start date and DBS and feeling a bit useless. I was at the point Of despair (27 -+mortgage) trying to decide if I was being fussy to expect a decent wage - it seems like everyone I know is on the 30k by 30 career plan except me.
Either way the new Role is 24k and four days a week leaving time to freelance and continue volunteering/shifts so I guess I'm saying keep on keeping on.

And dont listen to the people who say things like "it wasn't the right one anyway" when you don't get a job because sometimes it doesn't matter if it's the right one you just need to pay your way!

[Firedemon]

Rwilkinson would you mind sharing what you retrained as? I'm in a similar position as op and I'm curious as to what career path you decided to take

[afussyphase]

Assuming you don't have crippling debt I think your bf is being mean (money wise) and unkind to take this attitude. Is this the person you know will be there for you in bad times as well as good? Because it's easier to think we'll always have good health and be in control / responsible for our own outcomes when we're 30 than even 10 years later - what's he going to do if you break your leg or your back, are unable to look after your one-year-old as a result, if you need to care for an elderly relative, if you're in hospital for an extended time, etc? if something else goes wrong career-wise later on?

Before DH and I were married I paid the bills for 6 months while he used his income to pay off his (pretty small) debt (payable in ~6-8 months of his income at the time, comparable to mine). Admittedly that was a risk for me (but I didn't take on debt over it!), but we were engaged, and we were in it together -- it made financial sense for us as a couple not to pay interest on it. Doesn't sound like your dp has much 'in it together' feeling. And if you don't have that feeling at the 'totally in love and engaged' stage .. doesn't bode well for developing it at the 'holy shit this one-year-old is a TON of work and I am ill' stage.

Job situation sounds very frustrating but you seem articulate and skilled and I really hope it works out for you soon!

[Snowey101]

Thank you all for your responses and for being nice. It has made me feel better if nothing else.

I think, deep down, I am hurt by the fact DP won't progress our relationship until i'm debt free. We've had conversations about it and he just says why should he marry me when my debt will then become his debt. I have said I wouldn't expect him to pay a penny towards it and would just carry on paying it off as normal, in fact, it will be cleared within the next 18 months anyway so probably wouldn't even be there when we were married as it'd take 18 months- 2 years to save/ plan the wedding. It's not masses of debt (below 10k but more than 5k!) but it is still debt I guess. I can understand his reservations to some extent but also think if you love someone, what is a bit of debt? He earns almost 4 times what I do, me paying a couple of hundred quid off a month out of my own salary/ money shouldn't really affect him that much?

I guess it's something I need to talk to him about.

Re the work, I just feel really unsettled at the moment.

Pink I feel exactly the same and even thought last night 'feck it, maybe I am just not worth that salary anymore, maybe I'll have to resign myself to a 7k pay drop

Something like your job, that pays early- mid 20's and is split over a 4 day week would be fab, I have tried looking for that, or shift work, but shift work tends to not pay very well.

Andintothefire Yes, you're right and, again, I have thought about trying to scrape by on a lower salary for the next couple of years and retraining in something that would make me happier. It's not out of the question, but I am wary of putting myself on a salary that, if DP and I were to ever split up, I would struggle to live on my own on. I guess moving back with parents, or renting a cheap room somewhere may be an option if that were ever to happen.

[lorelei9here]

OP you said in your initial post that you did understand his view on the debt?

he is subbing you at the moment as well isn't he...?

[wowbutter]

Why should he marry you because your debt would become his debt?
Oh dear...
Bet he wouldn't feel the same way if you were a millionaire.
I won't marry you, my darling millionaire, until I am also a millionaire, as your millions would just become my millions and that would not be fair.
Bull. Shit.

You want to marry someone, you marry them, you don't, you find excuses not to...

[wowbutter]

Why should he marry you because your debt would become his debt?
Oh dear...
Bet he wouldn't feel the same way if you were a millionaire.
I won't marry you, my darling millionaire, until I am also a millionaire, as your millions would just become my millions and that would not be fair.
Bull. Shit.

You want to marry someone, you marry them, you don't, you find excuses not to...

[rwilkinson84]

Firedemon: I did a PRINCE2 project management course (group on for like £100)
Then I did a diploma in Social Media and Online Reputation Management (£29) and an Advanced Diploma in Digital Marketing Strategy (£30)

Google Analytics Qualification and Ad Words Qualification which are both free, then joined IPA (Institute of Practitioners in Advertising) and did their commercial and legal requirements online courses which are both free.

I'm now a Digital Account Manager at a successful marketing and advertising agency took a long time and a lot of hard work but was totally worth it in the end.

[rwilkinson84]

Just to add to previous post - your BF is making excuses not to marry you and treating you like a financial burden. Tell him to take a run and jump because he's only going to be pushing back and pushing back on this.

[LitteRedSparkle]

Your BF is an arse

I could understand if you were a spendy type - but it sounds like you are getting on top of it

giant red flag!!!!

[irie]

What is your debt? Is it a student loan? I have a student loan but don't count it as real debt as they base your repayments on your salary (like now I'm on Mat leave I'm not paying anything)... You need to have a serious talk with your partner. Your situation sounds tough but I agree you're not too old to get into a career you really love. What was your degree? I'm not currently using mine but I'm still pleased to have it, loads of people don't use their degrees but it always looks good on CV and is a good life experience! Could you have a go applying for higher paid positions, you never know you could get lucky!

[harshbuttrue1980]

I agree with the other posters - so many people don't get started in a "proper" career until well into their 30's. Its rare to have everything slotted into place - I'm the opposite to you - in my mid 30's with a good career, but haven't found a life partner yet. At least you have that part sorted!
I don't think he's being unfair in not getting engaged until you're sorted financially though. I wouldn't marry someone who was going to make me liable for debts. Its different if things go wrong in the marriage, redundancy etc, but I wouldn't want to become responsible for someone's debts that they racked up before we were together. I know you say that you intend to keep paying them, but if you ended up not working for whatever reason then he'd have to pay them. The days of men expecting to be financially responsible for a woman are long gone (thank god for that!).

[pinkstinks]

Hmmm, I've been volunteering in a rape crisis helpline and taking relief work at a housing association to tide me over and this has also looked good on the cv and at interviews but I have also sobbed when people told me I was top two but someone with more "strategic influence" got the position.....
I would say make the most of any free courses in related subjects through your local council etc I have done loads of these and ones about domestic violence too to show willing and a commitment to continued learning which I think has helped me to argue I am worth a certain salary.
However I have also had recruitment agents tell me that Boone cares what salary you were in before it only matters what you are doing nothing now. Not nice to hear when unemployed.
Waiting for contract for new role to come through and hoping it wasn't a dream...

Hang in there

[LotsOfShoes]

Hang in there, OP you sound intelligent, nice and hardworking and if you keep at, it will all work out.

I don't think your DP is harsh though. I would not have married a man who is still in 5k of debt. And women are generally advised not to marry a man in debt and 5k really is a substantial sum. He is just being rational and cautious. At the end of the day, it would be worse if for some reason both of your credit scores were negatively affected.

[andintothefire]

It's funny - my partner and I keep quite separate finances and I wouldn't actually think to tell him about the various loans I have! I'm self employed so have slightly complicated finances and different bank accounts for tax etc. However, I can see how I might be reluctant to get married to somebody who I knew was in an unstable situation financially, at least until it was clear how they could pay off their debts. I don't think it means that he doesn't love you!

I am wary of putting myself on a salary that, if DP and I were to ever split up, I would struggle to live on my own on. I guess moving back with parents, or renting a cheap room somewhere may be an option if that were ever to happen.

OP - I do sympathise with you wanting to be in an independently secure financial position. It is horrible to think about moving in with parents or flat mates at an age where traditionally people have been buying homes. However, I think that is the sad reality for our generation and it is not unusual or anything to be ashamed of any more.

I think that the key point is whether your potential need to rely on other people (or move into a cheap room) would be temporary if you did change your career. There are some careers that are unstable and badly paid for years with no obvious career progression. However, I would have thought that something like estate agency is more secure and that you would fairly quickly be in a position where, with commission, you are earning as much as your previous job. Ultimately there are no guarantees and no long term career security in any job nowadays - even your doctor and lawyer friends are probably struggling more than they envisaged with cuts to the NHS and Legal Aid.

My advice would be to think about where you really want to be in 5 years time, and not in any way feel a failure for needing to take a few steps down the career ladder now in order to get there. Good luck - I agree that you sound really intelligent and capable, just lacking in confidence.

[Secretmomma79]

Hi OP, well done for getting out of your last work place. As PPs have said, lots of people don't establish their careers until mid-late twenties. You have a few options- retrain and take the hit on your salary (yes having to do menial work to supplement your income whilst training sucks but it won't be forever, just a means to an end), stick it out at your current place and see what opportunity comes your way then when you have a year's experience under your belt, re-assess your options. I've been involved in recruiting people for jobs and a patchy CV does bring out the judginess in many a hiring manager so if you want my tuppence worth,do stick it out at your current job a bit longer.

my story- trained to degree level in a profession, very little work around so had to go into recruitment after last contract ended. Took a big hit salary wise but earning semi-regular commission helped top up my income. From there I got myself on the corporate ladder, whilst I now earn more than I realistically could at my age in my "degree profession" with lots of material perks, it's lonely, soul destroying and people are treated as disposable. It's not all about the cash! Do what makes you happy.

Have you consolidated your debt? Merging it all into one monthly payment will take the pressure off- MSE is really good for finding low interest loans and credit cards to transfer your balances.

As for your DP, am inclined to agree with :"I would not have married a man who is still in 5k of debt. And women are generally advised not to marry a man in debt and 5k really is a substantial sum. He is just being rational and cautious. At the end of the day, it would be worse if for some reason both of your credit scores were negatively affected". HOWEVER I do think DP is being harsh, no reason why you can't get engaged first and clear debt before booking the wedding. Is there more going on? How much has he been subsidizing you?