to be so worried?

[NicM87]

I am so worried about dss1 aged 5, he is so thin and obviously has issues with food in general, he is a very picky eater, but this seems to be getting worse! I have tried to mention to dp that something needs to be done about dss weight & eating habits which he agree's and it had be mentioned to dss mum, but she doesn't seem to concerned about it. On Sunday things became much worse, I had cooked a Sunday dinner for me, dp, dss2 and ds and asked dss1 what he wanted as I knew he wouldn't eat much, he agreed to a very small meal which I made separate and we all sat down to eat, dss1 just sat and stared at his meal and then started to act up, which he has done before, hoping to get sent to the step/bedroom to avoid eating! Which happened, when he came down he sat for an hour staring at his meal, and then he ate a Yorkshire pudding I asked him to eat 2more mouthfuls and he cried for a good 15 mins. It breaks my heart every tea time but he is so tiny I can't see him not eat, all was settled (eventually) and we were sat in the lounge waiting for his mum to arrive, as they go home Sunday night, and he was sick, quite a bit, I felt dreadful, but there had been no build up, he wasn't feeling sick in the day, he had been fine, he went home and dp had a text to say he had been sick again, yet the next day he was in school, apparently he felt better! Aibu to get myself so worked up and upset about this when his mum seems to just shrug it off?
Sorry for the long post!

[tangerino]

Sounds like a really tricky situation. First of all, I wouldn't necessarily assume his mum is unconcerned- it can be a difficult relationship and she might feel uncomfortable about talking to you re her concerns, or even see your worries as criticism/interfering (I'm not saying it is, just that she might be v sensitive about it).

In your shoes I think I would talk to your partner and see what he feels about it- he would be better placed to talk to his ex and maybe see whether she is trying anything to help the little boy try more things etc- he could perhaps present it as him wanting to support whatever steps she was taking, which might make it seem less like criticism?

I'd avoid forcing him to eat anything- the situation already sounds a bit fraught. I'd also avoid punishments that are associated with meal times (so instead of being sent to his room for messing about at the table, he loses TV time after dinner, or whatever). I'd just put whatever food you are serving on the table and let him help himself, and not comment further, so it's just food not something loaded with everyone's expectations.

[steppemum]

If this was your son, I would be saying, get help, and back off completely over food.
By back off, I mean put out on the table a selection of food, including stuff he likes, (but not chocolate biscuits when everyone else is having meat and veg for example) the whole family sits down, everyone helps themselves to what they want. No-one insists or comments on what he eats. After 30 minutes dinner ends, all food is removed, get down from table.

repeat at each meal. It requires superhuman effort not to push, persuade and comment. The point is to stop food being a point of manipulation.

Another way is to leave a plate out on the table with snacks on it that he likes, and he nibbles as he passes. Again, no comment, no persuasion, just make sure he knows he is allowed to eat it.

BUT this is your dss, and you have the whole issue of communication with mum here.
You really have to get your dh to talk to her. Not sure what their relationship is like. Would they meet for a coffee when dss is at school and talk in a co-operative way about the issue? Someone needs to get him to a doctor, but it has to be your dh and dss mum doing this.

and I agree with tangerine, mum may be worried, or, dss may not have a problem at mums house.

[NicM87]

Thank you both for your comments, I will definitely be taking the advice on board, I personally haven't mentioned it to mum, I leave it to dp, but she does talk to me about different things and has previously mentioned that school have brought it to her attention and she had been asked to put him on a packed lunch so he had food with him he likes.. It's just hard to be so worried about a child and not being able to do much or do it my way! I will be speak to dp tonight about it again, and see if he will speak to her, but he's not a very 'chatty' character

[WorraLiberty]

You say he's 'so thin' but what are his statistics?

Is there a chance that he's just the sort of child who needs to 'graze', rather than sit down to actual meals?

[Booboostwo]

Gi'd also check his height and weight to see if he is actually underweight. If he is underweight the best thing you can do s encourage your DH to discuss the issue with his ex. A visit to the GP might be a good idea to rule out any obvious causes. As for you I think the best way to help is to let him eat what he is willing to eat. If he is underweight and will only eat chocolate then chocolate is the best thing for him.

[ScarletForYa]

Has he been checked over medically. It could be some sort of reflux or digestive issue or something?