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To think ExH should sort his shit out and collect his DS's or Should I just say 'Meh, whatever'?

(10 Posts)
HappyFatty Mon 25-Apr-16 22:57:24

Bit of background so there's no drip feeding. Got married on my 18th birthday. Eloped. ExH 20 years my senior. Parents FREAKED, but forgave me.

Had Twin DS' after 5 years of turbulent marriage - not planned. ExH and I split up when Ds' 3 months old due to LOTS of adultery (his) and gayness (mine). Met DP about 18 months later. ExH and I and DP have a good 'working relationship' birthday cards, xmas cards, etc etc. All very amicable.

I have always encouraged ExH to have a relationship with DS' and lots of contact - two weekends a month, 2 weeks in summer hols and every half term.

Soo anyway we moved about 2 hours drive away 5 years ago and as neither my ExH or I drive my DP, who does, has dropped the DS's off and collected at every visit as it was our choice to move (one DS is Autistic and didn't handle the city at all well)

A couple of years ago ExH started dating someone who drives they live together now, very serious engaged to be married etc.

DP is currently unable to do long journeys due to a back injury which is awaiting surgery. ExH said he and his OH would pick up and drop off DS's from now on - That was 3 months ago and he's not seen them at all since, though we've been expecting them to collect DS's every other weekend and for half term.

Lots of texts about ExH's OH being 'too ill', or 'not up to it' Though DP has taken DS's when sick as a pig with flu, tummy bugs and once even a splinter in the Butt (long story involving an old wooden slide) as we both feel it's important for DS's to see their Bio Dad.

The DS's don't seem to be fussed at all TBH. They call ExH 'Uncle Dad' (though not to his face and certainly not when they think we can hear) but I think they're too young to make a decision on a relationship which could affect their life forever.

I've tried discussing train and N.express with ExH but it is too much money/too long a journey. He keeps saying how much he's missing them and how hard it is not seeing them. DP thinks ExH is waiting for us to cave and say 'oh look, we'll just bring them again Ok?' but DP is physically unable to sit for more than about 30 minutes without getting spasms which is kinda dangerous when driving!
So, should I just hope ExH sorts his shit out or should I explain to DS's they won't be seeing their BioDad for a while and just stop trying?

Griphook Mon 25-Apr-16 23:04:08

Sounds like it's too much effort for him. I'd stop trying tbh

CalleighDoodle Mon 25-Apr-16 23:20:17

I agree. Just stop trying. Dont mention his visits yntil he is there so your children dont expect him.

OptimisticSix Tue 26-Apr-16 00:25:26

Stop trying, he is hoping you and DP will pick up the slack and it's not fair. If he want to see the kids he will arrange it. My eldest dad hardly ever bothers and I've realised there's not a lot you can do about that. I took DS to a different country to see his dad last summer, dropped him off and then came straight back to the UK. All his dad had to do was arrange to bring him back, he didn't arrange anything until the last minute and I had to sort it out, but he knew I would so he didn't bother. I made it very clear after that that he would have to arrange things and DS has now not seen his useless twat of a biological father in nearly a year. Best if your Ex realises sooner that he's going to have to put in some effort!

EverySongbirdSays Tue 26-Apr-16 01:57:13

It's not up to you to make sure he sees them, it's up to HIM to make sure he sees them, and rather sadly the honest truth is, if he WANTED to, neither he hell nor the high water would keep him from his kids.

On a separate note - I am ever baffled when people class EOW as "good amount of contact" - 4 days out of 30 is more like occasional visit than quality input into a childs life IMO though I do see how it ends up like that, logistically speaking.

Baconyum Tue 26-Apr-16 02:52:42

I'm afraid I'm with Jeremy Kyle blush on this issue, if he wants to see them he'll make the effort.

I have a similar situation. My ex has now not seen dd for over 3 years, barely even phones now! With hindsight he was always making me do all the running even when we lived near him.

WhereYouLeftIt Tue 26-Apr-16 03:09:56

What a hypocrite he is. Likes to think of himself as a 'good dad', undoubtedly likes everyone else to think of him as a 'good dad', but totally unwilling to make the minimum effort to be even an 'OK dad'.

"He keeps saying how much he's missing them and how hard it is not seeing them."
Well he's obviously not missing them that much, and it's obviously not hard at all to not see them. And I would be very hard pushed not to point this out to him next time he went into public-breast-beating mode. At the very least I'd be making it very clear that DP would not be driving the children to him for the foreseeable future and advising him that it is entirely up to him to make alternate arrangements. Or not.

Canyouforgiveher Tue 26-Apr-16 03:30:57

if the only way I could see my children was to learn how to drive that is what I would do. My 16 year old will learn how to do this in less than 6 weeks over the summer. same as her older brother did at the same age. neither of them are rocket scientists.

He can't be arsed. which is awful. How are your children dealing with this?

HappyFatty Tue 26-Apr-16 15:12:54

Thanks all. I was worried IWBU as we chose to move and I suppose I had guilt? forgive DS's not really bothered. ExH has broken too many promises to them for them to be TBH. I know what you mean Songbird I've tried to help ExH see the kids as much as possible and when DP was able to make the journey ExH would have more quality time with the DS's than we would as he'd have them for every school holiday, but he's now unable to do that due to needing time with his OH which is understandable if a bit shit.

EverySongbirdSays Tue 26-Apr-16 15:19:26

but he's now unable to do that due to needing time with his OH which is understandable if a bit shit

No actually it's not understandable that needing time with his OH trumps his DC needing time with him. It's just shit.

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