To think that this was blatant passive aggressive bitchiness?

(96 Posts)
Allegrabegra Mon 25-Apr-16 18:04:02

My brother and sil live with dm and recently there has been a bit of tension as they don't pull their weight around the house. Actually dm has been very diplomatic and polite about it and has asked nicely a thousand times for fear of rocking the apple cart but eventually had to gently put her foot down and tell them to shape up a whole different thread tbh. They seemed to take it well but there has still been an air of underlying tension.

Anyway, sil turned 30 at the weekend. They had a big party organised with food, dj, the works. Cake came out and it was covered in nuts, which dm is allergic to. Her allergy is well known amongst family and is severe enough that she doesn't keep them in the house in case of cross contamination. Brother and sil are very aware of this. They ordered and collected the cake themselves so there's no way they weren't aware of the nuts. Very odd that they even ordered a nutty cake in the first place as neither of them are great nut lovers afaik, and it was definitely a nutty cake as opposed to a cake garnished with nuts. Also, it wasn't likely that they forgot about dms allergy as a similar issue arose whe we were all out for dinner last week (dms dish came out with nuts even though the waiter had assured her that there wouldn't be nuts in it)

Dm was upset but didn't want to cause any trouble at the party so didn't say anything to them. Dsis thinks that we are jumping the gun a bit and that bro and sil are just very naive and selfish in the way that they don't think of other people. They are both very immature and can be thoughtless/oblivious but it just seems like too much of a coincidence to be innocent.

PaulAnkaTheDog Mon 25-Apr-16 18:12:54

Yabu. She ordered a cake she wanted for her birthday. Your mum couldn't eat it because there were nuts, it's not as though they tried to poison her. Let this one go I'd say.

TheGirlOnTheLanding Mon 25-Apr-16 18:21:43

Paul, did you read the OP? It's not that Allegra's DM doesn't like nuts and couldn't have a slice of cake - she's so allergic she can't have nuts in the house. I'd say that was more than passive aggressive, it's downright irresponsible - she could have ended up in hospital. Allegra, I'd be having stern words with your brother if I was you.

PaulAnkaTheDog Mon 25-Apr-16 18:23:16

Yes I did. I can't really see much of a problem. Blatantly obvious nut cake, mum avoids it, there was no drama.

wombattoo Mon 25-Apr-16 18:27:09

I agree with Paul. It was a bit selfish but sil is entitled to buy any cake she wants. I'm sure DM managed without a piece of cake

OurBlanche Mon 25-Apr-16 18:28:39

Ye gods! Paul, nut allergies can catch you all unawares, especially brazil nuts whose oil floats across rooms, can even seeps through semen in order to cause anaphalactic shock and kill - no I am not joking.

Of all the allergies nuts is the one of the scariest, because some people don't get it... one piece of nut can cause all sorts of misery!

Allegrabegra Mon 25-Apr-16 18:29:03

I don't think that they were trying to deliberately cause dm harm but I do think that it was done on purpose as a kind of 'fuck you'. My sister doesn't agree and dm is upset either way, whether it was passive aggressive or just totally thoughtless. I don't think it would have been simply a case of sil having the cake she wanted because surely either her or my brother would have mentioned it beforehand to dm? As in 'look, I know you're allergic to nuts but I really wanted this cake so I'm just giving you a heads up'. Or maybe IABU to think like this?

Herewegoagainfolks Mon 25-Apr-16 18:29:20

It seems a mean thing to do if it was deliberate but personally I'd save the big guns for something else.

Why do they live with your Mum and they supporting her or vice versa?

Biggles398 Mon 25-Apr-16 18:29:35

Was the party at your mum's house? Or a hall / outside venue?

VioletTea Mon 25-Apr-16 18:29:37

They were probably just being thoughtless and selfish but some people are quite bitchy and PA, you're right.YANBU

TiredOfSleep Mon 25-Apr-16 18:29:51

My DH is allergic to nuts and we don't keep them in the house as any cross contamination is v v serious. It's not just about not having a slice of cake, it's knowing there are plates and spoons and knives etc contaminated in the house. It's the fact that they have blatantly ignored an important house rule.

TiredOfSleep Mon 25-Apr-16 18:31:17

Sounds like the party was elsewhere so I'm dialling back my response! Rude but not the end of the world. At least she didn't have to help with the washing up!

PaulAnkaTheDog Mon 25-Apr-16 18:31:54

Sorry Blanche but this in the first post implies that isn't the case with the OP's mother:

a similar issue arose whe we were all out for dinner last week (dms dish came out with nuts even though the waiter had assured her that there wouldn't be nuts in it)

SquinkiesRule Mon 25-Apr-16 18:32:01

Sounds like it's time the couple moved out and made their own way in the world. They sound immature and selfish. You don't even bring nuts into a house where someone is allergic.

PaulAnkaTheDog Mon 25-Apr-16 18:35:02

Sorry OP I assumed the party wasn't at your mother's house because you mentioned a DJ etc. If it was in her house then what they did was unfair. Perhaps not deliberate though, just thoughtless.

OurBlanche Mon 25-Apr-16 18:35:10

What? You think she ate it? I read that as explaining that only recently OPs DM had had to send a meal back because it had nuts in it - whilst DB and SIL were there!

PPie10 Mon 25-Apr-16 18:35:14

A bit of both. It was her 30th and she should have any cake she wishes to share with everyone. Yanbu to think in other instances they should be a bit more considerate. On a serious note, how does your dm manage this nut allergy when she could be almost anywhere or around anyone having something nut related?

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Mon 25-Apr-16 18:37:35

Your poor DM. Dh has a tomato allergy and we try to keep it out of the house, even though it is virtually impossible to do.

If someone brought a great big lasagne and put it on our table, I'd ask them to take it away as it would make dh feel sick and also it would be horrible to share a communal food which deliberately excluded him.

I think you are correct that they did this on purpose.

Can your DM ask them to leave? Is she too nice to do so even though they don't respect her or her home?

If your dsis and DM don't agree they should leave, is there anything else you can do to support your DM when she has people behave in her own home in a way designed to exclude her?

PaulAnkaTheDog Mon 25-Apr-16 18:37:39

I didn't word that correctly Blanche. What I meant was that there is no mention of the mum having any reaction to nuts being near her, so I disagreed about it being severe enough to be triggered by them being in the same room, like you mentioned.

ChemistryHunt Mon 25-Apr-16 18:37:41

Was the party in the mothers house?

If so definition unreasonable, selfish and could have potentially been dangerous, especially as the mum didn't know nuts were in the house. If you live in someone's house you have to follow the house rules and even more so if they are due to allergies or other medical need.

If in a hall, I would still see it as a PA move as surely if it wasn't they would have mentioned it before hand in case any other food came in contact with the cake? I think it would not have been so outbid order if in a hall, but a heads up should have been given.

Yes the birthday celebrator can chose the cake want but you should also be mindful of your choice could make someone I'll and at least take steps to make sure it doesn't, like telling the person.

MadMags Mon 25-Apr-16 18:46:28

IF the party was in the house then, yes they were being very U.

IF not, I do think you and your mum are carrying on a bit.

She didn't get some cake. It's not the end of the world is it?

HoneyDragon Mon 25-Apr-16 18:54:13

It was thoughtless and selfish.....they are vile twats, who should grow the fuck up and stop taking the piss.

It was on purpose and passive aggressive.... They are vile twats, who should grow the fuck up and stop taking the piss.

Neither 'reason' is acceptable.

Ffs, they are adults in there thirties, they are old enough to appreciate being given a fucking roof over their heads and think kindly of the person doing it.

OurBlanche Mon 25-Apr-16 18:54:42

Sorry Paul

I was an epi buddy for 4 years at university. The number of people who were to selfish to understand that one of them could die if she ate a nut was staggering. One housemate left a bag of nuts on the kitchen worktop and was miffed when asked to move them... apparently 'Nut Allergy Girl' was just being lazy!

It really isn't well understood!

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g Mon 25-Apr-16 18:57:53

Oh, come on. Big family party, everyone close to the birthday girl is invited. She deliberately chooses a cake that can't be eaten by somebody to whom she and her partner owe a huge favour, one of the closest people in his life, and it's not even because she loves nuts and this is her favourite cake. The best you can say about this is that it's completely thoughtless and self-absorbed. On what the OP's said, it's a lot worse than that. If I were your mother, OP, I'd be asking when the young couple will be moving out. It sounds as if that would be best for all concerned.

ImperialBlether Mon 25-Apr-16 19:02:09

It's not just that the mother doesn't like nuts, is it? That cake could kill her and they feel entitled enough that they bring it out at a party in her own house.

It's time for them to move out.

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