To be furious with my sister over false accusations about my DH(13 Posts)
This should probably be in the Relationship section but I need to hide it incase it is seen.
Last Friday, I confided to my sister regarding my marriage. After 25 years, our marriage has become virtually sexless/loveless. We otherwise get alone, no arguments but we are more like brother and sister at this stage. My sister gave me good advice and we talked for a couple of hours on the subject.
At one point, she started talking about marital rape. I was confused and asked her what relevance this had to my marriage ...? She said marital rape was probably too strong a term but she recounted me telling her (21 years ago) that my DH pressurised me into having sex after the birth of our first DC. I was shocked and told her that this did not happen. She was adamant that it did. She said I very clearly told her at the time that DH put pressure on me for sex. I got very irate and told her i don't remember ever saying such a thing. DH may not be perfect but he is not a rapist! She wouldn't back down and it descended into an argument. I told her i suffered from post natal depression after the birth and perhaps i was psychotic! I was very upset and angry and I started crying. DH is not capable of this. He is a gentle man, he is not aggressive and not that interested in sex (hence our current issues). My sister has known him for 30 years and should know the type of man he is. I can't believe she has held this belief about him for all these years. I'm distraught on DH's behalf.
I tried contacting her over the weekend but she won't answer my texts, emails or phone calls. I want to talk to her because I need to resolve it. I need to ask her exactly what I said all those years ago. If I said such a thing, I don't recall it, however, I don't know why she would lie about something like this either.
I could really do with all your good advice. I don't know how we can get past this. I'm devastated.
** Sorry, that should be we otherwise get along ...
Do you remember saying anything that could have been misinterpreted? Such as I know DH would like more sex but I'm just not ready yet.
Have you got another sister that she has mixed you up with?
It does sound like its a possibility that you told your sister something, which you have blocked out/forgotten if you were sleep deprived/postnatal depression.
I can't see from anything you have written that your sister would lie about.
People forget things all the time, especially around newborns etc. I talk to my brother about things that happened with his first/his wife and he has no recollection/thinks it didn't happen.
Maybe send her a message saying you are sorry for shouting, but you want to meet up for her to tell you what she thinks you said. You can move forward then deciding if you think it did/didn't happen. Maybe if it did it would be a reason for your DH going off sex, if he realised what he actually did/pressurised you to do. It might help to talk to him about it afterwards.
red I absolutely cannot remember ever talking to my sister about sex, we are kind of private about such matters. But whatever I said, she obviously got the wrong idea.
always a good idea to apologise, I did get very defensive and angry! If I did allude to something, I have clearly blocked it out. I am in therapy at the moment so I will be discussing it with my counsellor. My sister would have no reason to make something like this up.
My mind is reeling trying to think back.
Find out what she thinks you said, then go from there. It will either be obvious that it didn't happen/wasn't you, or that it did and you can sort it out.
I did something I hated myself for in the throes of PND and the guilt of it was eating me up, so after days of screwing up the courage I told DH what I had done, and he was like 'erm...yes I know...you told me at the time...I said it wasn't your fault and you did the best you could....'
I have ZERO recollection of this, but at the end of the day he must be right because even if he doesn't blame me, he would have shown some sort of surprise when I told him and he didn't...he just sat there waiting for me to get to the new part of the story...when there wasn't one.
So for my money I would think you did say something, that your sister has possibly exaggerated somewhat in her head in between times. It is also possible that at the time she didn't think much of it, but has since decided such behaviour crosses a line and hence it means more to her now than it did when you spoke to her 21 years ago.
Anyway, she may not have been thinking badly of your DH for 21 years...in fact it is unlikely given this is the first time since that she has raised it.
I think finding out what she thinks you said and rationalizing it is the best way forward. But try not to be devastated, I don't think this is as big and horrible as it feels to you right now.
I will do that ice - thanks.
Thanks everyone. Feeling a bit better now.
I think you can also say that no matter what happened 21 years ago, you are now at this stage in your relationship with DH and want to fix that rather than dwell on what did or didn't happen 2 decades ago.
In my experience, often women post birth feel pressured in the bedroom, and often that pressure is as much from themselves as their partners (ie their friend bragged that 3 weeks post partum her and her DH were back at their 15 times a week routine so why aren't I able to be super mom and super wife and super lover). Especially if sister hadn't been in that situation at the time, she could have misinterpreted your saying you felt pressured to mean more direct pressure from DH than general pressure.
Look I would just move on.
Your relationship with your dh is the one that needs addressing not what you did or didn't tell your sister years ago.
Agree to not mention it again and move forward.
Yes, the last two posts are a different perspective and I appreciate that.
Appreciate its a horrible situation though op.
((((((((((((((soft Hugs))))))))))))0 Gabby99
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