AIBU to be concerned about DS?

(7 Posts)
bluecashmere Mon 25-Apr-16 09:58:29

This is a bit of a rant, but I do want some opinions (hopefully back up).

I left exP when DS was a baby due to abuse - EA, VA, FA, threatening behaviour and him being a generally unpleasant self-centred person who didn’t show any interest in spending time with or helping out with DS.

Of course that changed when I left, and suddenly he did want and was ‘entitled’ to time with DS. I have gone out of my way to facilitate this, and he has had regular contact, but has always made unreasonable requests to continue to control the situation and punish me, which culminated in us going to court completely unnecessarily as he wouldn’t listen to people who told him his requests were unreasonable, and of course it cost a lot of money for us both and certainly caused stress, all for him to achieve nothing.

He regularly cancels contact with DS due to work commitments, and has also cancelled if he has social occasions he would rather go to than spend time with DS.

When DS returns from contact with exP he is not himself. He is tired, unsettled and extremely clingy. He’s still very young (pre school). Up until now he’s had no longer than a weekend with him, but there’s an agreement that this can start to be extended during the summer to a week. Though I worry about the potential impact on my son of extended contact, I have not tried to prevent this, and am always very positive to him about him spending time with his father, even when he is reluctant to go.

Now exP thinks it’s reasonable to ask for two weeks with him in quick succession i.e. a full week with him, a week with me (though I would be working full time during this week), and another week with him. I really can’t see how this is in DS’s best interests, and I worry about the impact on him. It just suits exP’s diary as he has other (social) plans that mean alternatives don’t suit him.

So, AIBU to insist the two weeks must be more than one week apart?

MsVestibule Mon 25-Apr-16 10:34:32

If I've understood correctly, he's 'entitled' to one week in summer with your DS. Under the terms of the court order, can he tell you he wants him for two weeks, even if they are separate? If not, can't you just say 'no, you're having him for one week and that's it'?

Pollyputhtekettleon Mon 25-Apr-16 10:40:04

Do you not think the two weeks in quick succession might go someway towards helping your son settle in at his dad's? Do you think he's being badly treated over there or is he just little and naturally unsettled with these short little visits to his dad's? If it's the former then you need to be going back to court but if it's the later you need to consider whether this might be a good thing for him and his bond with his dad.

bluecashmere Mon 25-Apr-16 13:23:59

Thanks for the comments.

DS has been having weekends with exP for a long time so I don't think it's a bonding issue that will be remedied by 2 weeks in quick succession rather than further apart. I think a child that age is likely to get homesick whatever, unless they have a relationship that is extremely well established, which I kind of feel it never will be because of the kind of person exP is. I feel DS needs time where he is settled between. Whether DS is treated 'badly' is subjective. In the court's eyes probably not and there's nothing I could prove. He's just treated differently and there's not much I can do about that.

What I really think is going on is that of all the weeks between now and September exP has chosen two that are very close together because I had already said it would not be a good idea to do this!

Pollyputhtekettleon Tue 26-Apr-16 09:28:15

Its really tough OP being jerked around like that by someone you can't cut from your life.

Janecc Tue 26-Apr-16 11:26:40

It sounds as if your ex is playing games as you say. I understand your feelings and can see your reasoning. Your DS will perhaps need more than a week to process the preceding week so this doesn't sound ideal. I don't know your legal position and I see he likes to fight so this could be costly. If I were in your shoes, I would refuse and have plans for the second week if at all possible. Eg going to visit relations or take your DD on holiday. If he is pressing you for an answer, I would let him know that you already have plans for that week and you are looking into ways of accommodating his request and you will get back to him shortly. It may be worth a short chat with a solicitor to find out the best way to tackle this. You state the weekend could be extended to a week but he's talking about two weeks and in quick succession.

Janecc Tue 26-Apr-16 11:28:29

-DD- DS : autocorrect.

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