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I feel bad even writing this but....AIBU?

(197 Posts)
Eliza22 Mon 25-Apr-16 08:11:28

My DH is a good man. He works hard. Long hours, lots of travel.

We have a rule of no "devices" at the table. My DS (who has autism) used to like to bring his Nintendo ds to the table. Never to play but to have at the side of him. Years ago (when we married - DH is second marriage; DS is his stepson) we had words because DH would allow his own daughter to use her phone (texting) at the table and DH came down hard on DS for having his game device just next to him, unused.

So.... On Friday, me, DH and DS eating at the table. DH has his phone next to him (as HE usually does) and is constantly looking at it/typing. I said (tongue in cheek so as not to offend) "I thought we weren't supposed to use devices, at the table?!" DH fixed me with a condescending stare and said "I'm replying to important messages which allow ME to pay the mortgage". I was so upset. Maybe, over reacting? You see, I'm a sahm. I have a small income which goes into the family pot but contribute little to the financial setup. However, everything I do have, goes into the joint account. I do everything of a home-type nature....and I do mean everything. DS has only just gone back to school full time (he's now 15) due to bullying so yes, I'm aware that without dh's support, I couldn't look after DS in the way I have to.

AIBU to still, days later, want to tell him to shove his mortgage where the sun don't shine?

NapQueen Mon 25-Apr-16 08:13:25

Maybe he feels like he is being nagged about something necessary? If he does have to respond to emails and sort stuff for work in the evenings then some sort of compromise needs finding.

It was a snappy and ill worded response, but id imagine he is probably sick of being parented. It did sound like you were talking to your son with that wording.

ollieplimsoles Mon 25-Apr-16 08:13:59

This would really grate on me op, its just a really shitty thing to say.

Have you spoken about it since?

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings Mon 25-Apr-16 08:15:09

So one rule for him, one for everyone else....

NeedACleverNN Mon 25-Apr-16 08:15:15

I think it's a bit of both

I don't have any experience with SEN children so I don't know how they differentiate between them doing it and an adult doing it..especially at 15.

However he was bu for giving you that attitude and made it out that he was better than you because he paid the mortgage

curlywurly4 Mon 25-Apr-16 08:15:37

I would be hurt by that too. If he has issues being the main earner, he should discuss it with you rather than make snippy remarks.

VodkaValiumLattePlease Mon 25-Apr-16 08:16:18

I think your both in the wrong, he's more in the wrong but you both made a smart comment

ArkyOptics Mon 25-Apr-16 08:18:19

Sit down and have a chat with him about it, don't let this fester between you.

Champagneformyrealfriends Mon 25-Apr-16 08:21:23

Sounds like it was tit for tat to me. Plus when I was a child the same rules didn't necessarily apply to adults and children-though if your DS isn't using his game console then I hardly see the harm in it being there! I would let this one go personally - he probably felt as if you'd undermined his authority and that's why he made such a stupid comment.

LittleLionMansMummy Mon 25-Apr-16 08:22:07

I think to still be stewing on it days later is a bit ott. Either speak to him about it or forget it happened. He probably is under a fair bit of pressure and was a stupid throwaway commen. I wouldn't have been happy but I'd have dealt with it by now tbh.

Pagwatch Mon 25-Apr-16 08:23:10

I think 'tongue in cheek so as not to offend' is actually just passive aggressive sniping. Pretending it is a joke when you are pulling him up on something always grates.

It would be much better to just say 'is that urgent because we agreed no using electronics.'

But his response was rude and unnecessary. I bet he was aware that he was being a hypocrite so was defensive.

I'd be irritated. You need to both talk about it. He can't bollock the children for using devices at the table and then do it himself. - well not without being a dick

Witchend Mon 25-Apr-16 08:24:26

I think you'd have been better having a proper conversation about it along the lines of.. If we're going to have that rule then it makes it hard for ds to understand why he can't if you do. And work out together what is your etiquette if there is something that must be answered now.
Whether that's him leaving the table, or offering an apology " really sorry but I'm waiting for an email from work that I must reply immediately to. I expected it to be through before now".

Witchend Mon 25-Apr-16 08:26:01

Sorry better to "have a conversation later, when the children aren't around"

00100001 Mon 25-Apr-16 08:27:23

Unless he's an emergency worker on call and has to drop everything and run immediately. Then book job is so important that a text message can't wait the 20 minutes it take to eat dinner.

Dire he not sleep? What if he missed one of these oh so important messages then?

AmberNectarine Mon 25-Apr-16 08:27:27

I don't think YABU at all. My DH earns about 15x what I do. He would never dream of belittling my contribution. If he did, he'd be told to fuck off!

My DH has a super high stress, high pressure job but even he can take half an hour out to eat a meal without checking his phone.

Unless your DH is a doctor/emergency responder, it's not life or death, is it?

civilfawlty Mon 25-Apr-16 08:32:46

It's not about devices, this is about a hierarchy of power and perceived contributions. Your DH was an idiot, and you should call him on it.

Comments about how your phrased your point about devices are completely missing the issue here.

hettyGreek Mon 25-Apr-16 08:33:59

yanbu. what an ass.

FluffyBunny1234 Mon 25-Apr-16 08:35:04

Exh used to do this, I wish I'd picked him up on it earlier because it just got worse to the point where I felt really guilty about being a sahm (even though I had a small business)
Nevermind the electronics thing, you need a discussion about whether he has an issue being the main earner, or with you being a sahm and if not then why was he belittling you. Does he want you to justify everything you do at home? This is a fundamental problem that needs sorting, you can't be at odds about that.

RaeSkywalker Mon 25-Apr-16 08:39:58

Depends what your DH is like. If my DH spoke to me like that I'd honestly be concerned about whether he was coping ok at work, and how much pressure he was under.

However, that response would make me a little bit cross too. Fundamentally you are a team, and this shouldn't ever come up in conversation.

Final thought- is there any chance he wants you to look for a job now that your son is back at school?

RaeSkywalker Mon 25-Apr-16 08:41:31

Basically I would talk to him. That comment didn't come out of nowhere- he owes you an explanation.

thebigmummabear Mon 25-Apr-16 08:42:40

I don't think u are being unreasonable at all. My dd is autistic and i let her do a lot of things that i wouldnt let my other dd do. and its not for an "easy life" its just because small things to her are her routine and i wouldn't let anyone dh or not dictate to me what she/he had at the table. Also at the moment my dh works 12 hours a day to provide whilst I'm at home looking after the children and he wouldn't dream of speaking to me like that. It sounds to me like he's being defensive or trying to hide something. Why should it be one rule for everyone else and one rule for him? Does he have form for belittling you?

AnyFucker Mon 25-Apr-16 08:43:29

Do as I say, not as I do

One rule for him, another everyone else

The breadwinner is in charge and all must show eternal gratefulness by never criticising and being obedient

Work around the home is of no value

Is this your husband, op ?

TheoriginalLEM Mon 25-Apr-16 08:45:41

maybe you caught him in a moment of stress with his job? so he was feeling pressure and snaped?

if this was a one off id let it go.

if it's an example then words need to be had

ShebaShimmyShake Mon 25-Apr-16 08:51:03

If one partner is a stay at home parent, the idea is supposed to be that each person is doing an equal role in a partnership to run a home and deserves respect for that. If he doesn't view your domestic role as equal to his breadwinning one, it's a problem. And sadly, many breadwinners do seem to think they do the most important job.

You have every right to be angry. You can respond "Well, you're ruining a meal that I cooked and shopped for, using a kitchen and table that I keep clean and while I was looking after the children."

You are supposed to be a partnership. If he thinks your work is lesser, maybe you shouldn't do it. See how he likes doing his own cooking, cleaning and childcare if it's so easy.

neonrainbow Mon 25-Apr-16 08:55:11

Was your son there when you told your dh off for using a device at the table as though he was a child?

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