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AIBU telling DH he cannot take DS to spain without me?

(108 Posts)
MrsH1989 Sun 24-Apr-16 19:13:30

MIL just came back from staying with a friend in Spain and is saying we can go out for a 3/4 days if we want. I said I could only go term time and DH says "well me and DS can go without you". My answer to this is "no". He is a great dad in many ways but I don't feel he puts DS's needs before his own often enough to make good judgement calls on holiday. For example he often books a table for a restaurant for half 6 rather than half 5 (simply as he would prefer to eat at 7 than 6), knowing that DS will be having a meltdown by the time we leave at 8. He also ignores DS when he is on his phone (which is at least 3-4 hours of the day even on holiday) and then shouts at him for getting up to mischief when it is his fault for not watching him. MIL will go too because we "won't be able to find our way around the first time" but she often thinks we are being over-protective just because we put suncream on him at regular intervals hmm.
It's quite likely, if he can be bothered to wait, that we could afford a long weekend during may half-term where I could go too. AIBU to say I don't want him to take DS without me?

Seeyounearertime Sun 24-Apr-16 19:15:30

I think you should let him take DC for a fortnight.
If all these issues are present during the two weeks you're not there it may help him learn to handle them the way you've learnt to handle them.

IceMaiden73 Sun 24-Apr-16 19:16:25

I think you should let him go, he will soon learn

HermioneJeanGranger Sun 24-Apr-16 19:17:35

If he goes now, can you also go away in May, or is it either/or?

If it means you can go away as a family as well, I don't see why he shouldn't take him. He might step up to the plate if he knows you're not there to fall back on.

EatShitDerek Sun 24-Apr-16 19:17:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PaulAnkaTheDog Sun 24-Apr-16 19:19:27

I think you'd be massively unreasonable to say he can't take his child on holiday with him. To be honest, if the things you're using as a reason to ask him not to go were so bad, surely you should have said something by now anyway? Holiday or not.

airside Sun 24-Apr-16 19:19:33

It sounds like he would benefit from being sole carer for a while!

Costacoffeeplease Sun 24-Apr-16 19:19:54

Yabu - if he doesn't know how to deal with his son he needs to learn sharpish - this is the ideal opportunity

Pagwatch Sun 24-Apr-16 19:20:08

I think you should let him go.
I think it sounds like a great idea.

curren Sun 24-Apr-16 19:20:52

How old is ds?

DailyFailAreABunchOfCunts Sun 24-Apr-16 19:20:54

Honestly? I would agree to it. It's 3/4 days and you might find that some good comes of it in that your DH might become a bit more proactive with parenting, once he's had a couple of avoidable meltdowns to manage. If you're always there to pick up the pieces then he's had no incentive to change his behaviour. You've said that your H is a good Dad; well if that's the case then let him go. MIL is there to help - let them crack on.

Marzipants Sun 24-Apr-16 19:23:58

Never mind letting him go, I'd be encouraging him to go! DH had always has a good relationship with our DC but going away without me was great for all of them.

OK, so DH might book a late dinner, but once he's had to deal with the resulting tantrum by himself he won't make that mistake again.

It might also have the benefit of showing him that the various rules you insist on are there for a reason.

And you get a week of free evenings, sounds great!

TendonQueen Sun 24-Apr-16 19:24:34

I agree with letting him go as a teachable moment. The one thing I'd be concerned about is sunburn. I'd buy the all day super strength stuff and impress on DS that he must nag Dad to put it on every morning. Otherwise let him get on with it.

InspRemorse Sun 24-Apr-16 19:24:37

Your reasoning sucks, you're being a bit bitter, just let them go have fun without your uptightedness!

corythatwas Sun 24-Apr-16 19:24:39

How old is your ds? Does he have any SN which mean he really cannot cope with changes to his routine (for most NT children it is actually quite healthy to learn to do this).

SurroMummy13 Sun 24-Apr-16 19:25:02

Personally this sounds like my DH. I'd laugh if he said he wanted to take DD away for a week.

You can't trust him to fully care of your child. Simple.

MattDillonsPants Sun 24-Apr-16 19:27:57

How old is DS and YABU unless DS is an exclusively breast fed baby.

Can you imagine a man coming on here and saying what you've said?

It's not ok.

Of course he can take his child on holiday! As to those saying they can't trust their husbands with their children...I'm afraid that is just shocking.

Why would anyone BE with a man who couldn't co parent effectively?

thecatfromjapan Sun 24-Apr-16 19:29:46

How old is ds?

I'm tempted to say it's not a bad idea. Your dh sounds as though he needs to get up to speed as a parent.

On the other hand, I've been there (with the slightly incompetent fellow parent) and it's not good. Ds ended up in intensive as a result of some poor parenting by dh and we've had some other close calls. He's not negligent or unloving but he is surprisingly incompetent. I'm not running him down when I say this. It's just true. And it isn't because I enabled his incompetence. On the contrary, I did send him off on holiday with the children without me: I was enormously fed up with doing the bulk of the childcare and felt he needed to get his teeth into it.

Unfortunately, he really does seem to be radically thoughtless.

I do think he is unusual, though. From your examples, I don't think your dh sounds as bad.

Pagwatch Sun 24-Apr-16 19:30:20

It's all a bit odd to me.
I remember being stressed about DH with DS1 when he was a baby but I soon learnt to step back
Ds1 , actually all our DC, are his too. I didn't get given parenting lessons that he didn't.

You learn by experience. And tbh I couldn't be married to a man who I believed to be so fucking useless that he could be in charge of our child.

Buckinbronco Sun 24-Apr-16 19:30:32

Exactly what Matt said above. It's your sons father. No you can't stop him and why would you want to? You can't make him parent the way you want. I know lots of women are like this but it's very controlling

MrsH1989 Sun 24-Apr-16 19:30:34

Ds is 3. Not worried about suncream as DH is super pale so looks after skin well. He may well step up to the plate but I don't think it is fair that DS is put through it to teach DH a lesson.
Hermione- if they go now we won't be able to go together no. My friend however has been begging me to go to Amsterdam for a weekend so I may be able to use it as a bargaining chip?

ChicRock Sun 24-Apr-16 19:31:21

If you can't trust your child's own parent to take care of them, I hope you're not planning to have any more children with him, because that's a pretty shocking choice you've made for a father.

MattDillonsPants Sun 24-Apr-16 19:32:14

What is your son going to be "put through" exactly though? A few late meals? Being left to entertain himself a bit? He's not a newborn and as long as your DH does not have form for letting him out on busy roads, then you are being unreasonable.

Your DH has the right to spend a few days away with his child!

EatShitDerek Sun 24-Apr-16 19:32:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Booking meals an hour later than you is no big deal. It's certainly not something that says he's awfully irresponsible and should not be alone with his own child!

Also 'ignores child while on phone 3/4 hours a day then shouts at child for mischief when it's fault for not watching'

For that detail you must be with him while doing that so it's not just his responsibility to watch, is it?

Let him go

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