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AIBU?

AIBU to find this slightly odd?

41 replies

loobieloo32 · 23/04/2016 10:17

Hi just a bit of insight/opinions would be hugely appreciated.
I have an extremely good friend, and we ended up working in the same place. (Bit of background i was offered and applied for job first, other similar situations have happened where I've decided to do something and all of a sudden she does it too) It was great, however I decided to change jobs for work related reasons. Ive got a substantial pay rise and excellent prospects of career progression. Im very happy about it.Friend was very dismissive and critical tried to talk me out of it, wiped the floor with new company, said all kinds of things to put me off. even want so far as to suggest references might be an issue, etc etc

anyway, she has now told me she is applying to work in the exact same place as me. Now I really care about my friend and I have no problems working with her, but this type of thing is happening A LOT and I don't know how to tackle it, because it is starting to make me feel a bit uncomfortable. Not all work related it can be as simple as i buy something, a week later she does. To be clear i think the world of this person and would be horrified if i hurt her in any way, but i feel a bit suffocated.
AIBU?

OP posts:

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Pagwatch · 23/04/2016 10:18

It's really difficult. I've experienced this. I have no good advice because I only ended it in the end by a drastic move on - job and location

DonkeyOaty · 23/04/2016 10:23

Yes drastic move will be beneficial. Ofc drastic move isn't always or even often possible.

So strategies to deploy: DON'T FKIN TELL HER ANYFINK mostly. Be vague about holiday plans, airily declare your outfit an unnamed supermarket bargain, no talking about job prospects EVER

BrickInTheWall · 23/04/2016 10:29

Remind her of all the things she said to you about the company when you were applying?
Or complain how horrible a work environment it is and how you will be looking for another job as soon as your contract is up to put her off?
I would let her know you have noticed this happening.. next time she gets something very soon after you have, mention how funny it is that you had just bought that too, you must have the same taste. Then suggest you get matching clothes and you can pretend you're twins.. then laigh maniacally for several minutes and just keep saying twins every so often.
she should definitely back off after that

BrickInTheWall · 23/04/2016 10:29

*laugh

Creampastry · 23/04/2016 10:56

Tell her you are applying for another job and encourage to apply too.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 23/04/2016 11:05

Run your finger down her arm and say "Gosh, you'd make a lovely waistcoat".

loobieloo32 · 23/04/2016 11:27

Lol some of the replies made me giggle... I would like to try and salvage the friendship so some of the subtle approaches suggested I may try.. it's not just me is it, this is slightly odd?

OP posts:

loobieloo32 · 23/04/2016 18:40

If anyone has any strategies that would help me keep the friendship but not feel like I'm being cloned of be really grateful...it's got to the point where I started taking a medication from gp she went and tried to get the same for herself, if I go anywhere special the week after so does she, I bought a new car she bought the same one in the same colour, I bought a pair of shoes she bought the same pair. ... the more I think about it, I am realising this is very frequent and has got worse over time... I mentioned emigrating once...she planned to come as well ... she's a lovely person and I'm not anything special or copy worthy, I just don't understand :(

OP posts:

hollyisalovelyname · 23/04/2016 18:54

I know imitation is the sincerest form of flattery but that is s c a r y.
I think you are taking this very lightly OP.
Was the film Single White Female about this topic ? I saw it a long time ago so forgive me if I am incorrect.

bilbodog · 23/04/2016 19:00

Sounds a lot creepy to me..... Sounds like she has some sort of 'thing' for you. Be careful as it may not be that easy to make her understand.. Does she have any other friends?

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 23/04/2016 19:06

Keep talking about emigrating, and then ditch her at the airport

It's the only way

loobieloo32 · 23/04/2016 19:08

I think it was holly... it doesn't seem to be done in a scary or threatening way but it's a bit like deja vu because everything i do seems to be on repeat :/ my dh wants me to keep my distance...

Not really, Bilbo, and I've never understood why as she is very bubbly and easy to talk to. I feel really disloyal saying this about her as I do think she is a good person...I don't want to hurt her feelings and if possible id like to be friends, but to still be two separate individuals (!)

OP posts:

loobieloo32 · 23/04/2016 19:10

Lol raptor... if you see a flustered looking woman sprinting through Heathrow on the news, being hotly pursued by a doppelganger you will know I followed your advice ;)

OP posts:

MrsBB1982 · 23/04/2016 19:10

Sounds full on weird to me. Be wary though. I had something similar so am biased but I'm not sure these friendships can last

Doinmummy · 23/04/2016 19:12

If she was happy to try and put the mockers on your new job instead of being happy for you then she's not such a great friend.

She sounds insecure and needy, maybe a gentle talk with her about being an individual etc - although having had experience of this myself , I don't think it will be well received.

anyoldname76 · 23/04/2016 19:14

start calling her by your name, when she picks up on it, just say i thought you were my clone as you seem to want be me. ...

Doinmummy · 23/04/2016 19:24

You need to tread a bit carefully , IME any direct reference / criticism about her copying you doesn't go down very well . It caused my 'stalker' to do a complete 180 and turn quite nasty.

PuppyMonkey · 23/04/2016 19:31

It sounds more than odd to me.

SuperFlyHigh · 23/04/2016 19:32

I think this comes down to if you see her as insecure and imitation is the sincerest form of flattery or if you think this is downright weird and a bit competitive. It does seem as if she doesn't want you to do well (hence the talk to put you off your job) and also competitive (re copying what you buy).

To be honest depending on what sort of friend she was I'd distance myself and as Donky says do not tell her anything! Of course she'll work this out and unless she's thick as pigshit she'll either wonder why you're not telling her anything or will just plough on regardless. Either way I'd be looking to create some distance in some way in this friendship it doesn't sound healthy at all.

SuperFlyHigh · 23/04/2016 19:34

Just read your other posts re mediation etc... No way, she sounds god damned creepy and you never know how these types will turn. She's either infatuated with you or wants to be you.

Ever seen Single White Female?

As MrsBB and others have said these types of friendships never last...

Stopmithering · 23/04/2016 19:37

I think she just sounds quite lacking in confidence and unable to make decisions for herself.
If you get on with her otherwise, it would be a shame to lose that friendship.
Im not sure what the answer is, though.
Maybe keep your distance from her for a while as your DH suggests might encourage her to start thinking more for herself?

SuperFlyHigh · 23/04/2016 19:39

Ok this is a final strategy.

Seeing as you seem to like her a lot and care for her. Go to a very quiet cafe or somewhere, lay your cards on the table and tell her what you've told us, that you're concerned but think this is affecting your friendship and she needs help. Offer to help her look for a therapist (cognitive behavioural therapy I think would work here).

She will do one of 2 things:-

A) act all outraged no you're imagining it (and it will spoil or ruin your friendship)
B) she may open up and say "yes actually I am insecure and maybe I do need help"

I think with people like her if it's not you it'll be someone else she'll latch onto. I don't honestly think she'd turn nasty (apart from maybe nasty emails etc) eg not violent but if you care as much as you say best try to help. Then if that doesn't work distance yourself.

If things did get nasty and she moved to your work it could be a potential life changer for you in all sorts of ways. And not good ones.

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Stopmithering · 23/04/2016 19:40

Also, the criticism of your new job/workplace could just be her fear of change / inflexibility / inability to make these sorts of big life changes herself.
Maybe.

SuperFlyHigh · 23/04/2016 19:41

Stop I actually think this woman needs her mindset changing though hence CBT, she seems to be stuck in the ways of emulating her friend here.

It's one thing to buy a top the same as OP or even visit another city (you said Rome was great I'd always wanted to go so I booked a break there).

But quite another to visit the doctor for the same medication as OP.

flanjabelle · 23/04/2016 19:43

Wow op, why are you not more scared? This is so far away from normal it's unreal. I would sacrifice the friendship in this situation as it is completely unhealthy.

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