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To be a coward and not tell best friend?

(115 Posts)
lepoardnickle Fri 22-Apr-16 22:42:31

Have name changed but promise I'm a regular ;)

My best friends husband came round this evening to tell me (after dropping hints for a few months) that he was deeply in love with me and had been for the last few years.

We have kids the same age that have been close friends since they were toddlers, were part of a wider friendship network and live in each others pockets pretty much, id say we see each other a few times a week usually and always go to the same events. Its awkward, horribly awkward. He was upfront with me in a way that sounded like he was trying to figure out his own feelings, kept talking about being in love with two women and needing to control his feelings ect but at no point tried to make any sort of move so it didn't seem seedy (but really horrible). He seemed genuinely frustrated and pissed off with himself and i tried to laugh it off at first telling him he was probably confused, he kept telling me he was sure. He had thought about it night and day. There had been hints before and he had been popping round more/txting more but nothing way out of the ordinary and nothing ever inappropriate. like i say no moves ever made.

The problem is, with other friends in the past I've told them if their partner is known to be cheating (not with me!!) but this woman is my best friend, I love her, value her, respect her and genuinely care for her marriage. I hope he sorts his feelings out and have told him he needs to get a grip, will be laughing about it one day ect and that he's got so much to loose (Which he agreed with). I can't bare to hurt my friend, I love her too much, I can't lose her as a friend, I can't watch her hurt or hurt her relationship. She doesn't deserve that so i guess what I'm asking is if all he's done is tell me, is it best to keep it to myself? I know id feel different if he had acted upon it in any way (and i definitely wouldn't reciprocate) but is it ok to keep it to myself for the sake of their marriage? I can't imagine them not being ok, not being friends with them. Do things like this ever turn out ok? Im hoping its just a stupid crush but he seems so insistent I just kept laughing it off. I wish he'd never said anything.

Pseudo341 Fri 22-Apr-16 22:47:15

How disgraceful of him to put you in that position. I don't think I'd be able to look her in the eye again if I didn't tell her. If it was the other way round would you want her to tell you?

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Fri 22-Apr-16 22:49:35

In this situation. I'd be lying if I said. I knew what to advise. If it were you. Would you want to know, but then. We can play the
If it were me. If it were you game all night. We're all different. Aggie for example night want to know. Maggie OTOH might not.
Will hold your hand until some one more clever comes along.
I hope you know. That you have done absolutely nothing wrong. He put this on you

Primaryteach87 Fri 22-Apr-16 22:51:01

Could you ask him to tell her so you are then guilt free without getting involved. I'm not sure life can carry on as normal. If my husband thought he was in love with someone else, he would need to stop seeing that person in order to retain our marriage.

It's not your fault, so it's very unfair but this will have consequences.


NapQueen Fri 22-Apr-16 22:52:55

Honestly he needs to leave her. I'd spare no time in telling him that he ought to split with her and move on. It's cruel to remain in a marriage you don't want to be in.

He needs to ensure that he does not destroy your friendship with her.
He is a bastard for putting you in this situation.

MooPointCowsOpinion Fri 22-Apr-16 22:53:01

That's such a horrible position to be in. I wouldn't say anything, it's his problem not yours, but I would cool off seeing them as a couple for a while.

GinAndColonic Fri 22-Apr-16 22:54:51

I wouldn't tell her. It sounds like he's tormented with a crush. He'll get over it.

It was not cheating so I think it's ok not to tell her.

WorraLiberty Fri 22-Apr-16 22:55:18

What sort of muppet pops round to tell someone they're 'deeply in love with them', even if it wasn't their wife's best friend? confused

Has he always been a bit of a drama llama?

I wouldn't have sat and listened to it tbh. He would have been sent away with a verbal clip round the ear, as soon as he started.

Gide Fri 22-Apr-16 22:59:01

That's pretty horrific. Why on earth has he put you in this position? What an arse. What does he hope to achieve? Do you have a DP?

I don't know what you should do, but I'm not sure telling your best friend is the immediate answer.

flirtygirl Fri 22-Apr-16 22:59:58

I would keep quiet as he may be going through some sort of crisis and it may all blow over without you needing to be in the middle, which is where he has put you.

Its horrible and sorry you are going through this. You are obviously a nice person and your friend is lucky to have you. As long as he knows nothing will ever happen with you, he may change or go back on what he hals said when he realises there will never be anything more between you and give his attention to his marriage, which is where his attention needs to be.

Good luck op.

gentlydownthestreamm Fri 22-Apr-16 23:00:22

Awful situation. He's really tainred your friendship forever more now, how can you ever discuss your own relationships in the same way now?

I'd I were you, I'd probably wait and see for a bit how things develop. Best case scenario it fizzles out quick and you can genuinely laugh about it ina few months. But if it escalates in terms of him declaring his feelings to you in private and he makes an actual move, I think I'd have to seriously consider telling her. I don't think I'd warm him I was going to either, but at the same time you don't want to give him any leeway to say you have been leading him on.

Awful. So sorry for you.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Fri 22-Apr-16 23:00:29

I'll say one thing. It must have taken him a lot of courage to tell op. How he feels. Whatever we think, and of course I feel sorry for op. Hes a shit for putting his wife's best friend in such an awkward position, no doubt about it
and I also feel sorry for his wife. When/if she finds out, as no women wants their man to find another women more attractive . Itd be like a kick in the stomach,

lepoardnickle Fri 22-Apr-16 23:00:40

Worra - He pretty much was, I wasn't pleasant to him!
Gin - Thats what I'm hoping/the only bit I'm willing to accept.

Id want to know, I know that doesn't make a difference. And like i said in situations before Ive been the one to sit down and tell them but this is just different. She's too close, she deserves it to work, she doesn't deserve drama and somebody fucking her around. I know she would never do this to him.

flirtygirl Fri 22-Apr-16 23:01:48

Has not hals sorry

lepoardnickle Fri 22-Apr-16 23:02:56

I don't think its a case of finding me more attractive, He kept saying he loved us both, so its not like he's wanting to disrespect her or thinks of her as any less attractive, he's just got this crush thats got a bit out of hand (in my eyes) on me, (Im not even attractive?!) I genuinely think/hope he's just confused.

lepoardnickle Fri 22-Apr-16 23:05:25

Flirty I'm hoping you're right and its a sort of crisis situation and this is just the way he's handling it, thats a really sweet thing to say.

AgentZigzag Fri 22-Apr-16 23:06:17

What a twat.

It wouldn't be you hurting your friend if you told her, it'd be him.

I can't see how you can keep it to yourself, you know that her husband cares so little for her that he'd risk everything they have together to make declarations of love (deeply in love??) to someone who hasn't shown him any sign of feeling the same.

Your loyalty lies with your friend and she deserves a heads up that her husband is thinking that way about someone else.

It's a terrible position to be in, but he must have known that you'd at least think about telling your friend what he said. Is he wanting to (even if it's unconsciously) end his marriage and is getting you to light the fuse that'll spark the end of it?

ElderlyKoreanLady Fri 22-Apr-16 23:06:23

He's put you in a horrible position but sadly, I don't think it's a position where you could say nothing and it would be OK. Not when your lives are so intertwined. If you were to say nothing, you'd still need to distance yourself from him and your friend would notice, start questioning and become aware that she was being kept in the dark about something that very much is her business.

How I'd proceed would depend on a combination of whether I thought their marriage could survive the information plus how close I was to the friend. If I thought their marriage would servive, I'd make him tell her and let her resent me if that's what she needed to do. If I thought it would break their marriage either way, I'd tell her myself and do what I could to be there.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Fri 22-Apr-16 23:09:20

It has already ruined the friendship.

You're going to feel awkward around him, she will notice you two share a 'secret'.

Unfortunatly the outcome will probably be you losing out, either you tell her and they work on their marriage and you will be dropped, or you don't and he will feel stupid or you will feel awkward and start distancing from them anyway.

He is a twat for putting you in this position.

AgentZigzag Fri 22-Apr-16 23:12:26

X posts, 'she deserves it to work', do you really think your friend deserves this man?

A bloke who's been thinking about the 'crush' he has on his wife's best mate so much that he's actually told her about it?

He thinks his feelings are so important that he's willing to put his marriage in jeopardy and his wife's best friend in a crippling position just to get them aired.

Surely you think she deserves better than this fuckwit?

KindDogsTail Fri 22-Apr-16 23:15:47

I agree with Flirtygirl in everything she said. How difficult for you Lepoard.

Well done for staying so clear about your own feelings for your friend, not getting flattered by her husband etc.

WorraLiberty Fri 22-Apr-16 23:16:50

You need to tell her.

He was basically testing the water, to see if you want an affair with him.

Your relationship with him is fucked anyway now. Keeping such a big secret from your friend, will probably fuck that one up too.

I think if I was your friend, knowing you kept that secret from me would probably hurt more in the long run.

EverySongbirdSays Fri 22-Apr-16 23:16:51

I think you have to tell her.

The friendship is ruined either way. Don't tell her to have him eventually leave anyway stating he loves you and you know?

She'll think you colluded and are the OW even if you aren't

WHAT a fucking horrid position to put you in.

Everything changes from here and it's entirely his fault.

StuRedman Fri 22-Apr-16 23:18:51

I'm an old cynic so id imagine he uses the 'deeply in love' line to et into a lot of women's pants.

StuRedman Fri 22-Apr-16 23:19:07

Excuse typos, juggling four year old and phone.

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