To consider ending my relationship over rape jokes?

[Genie0709]

Really sorry if this is a bit of an essay but I would appreciate any opinions/advice.

For background, my partner and I are 27 and have been together for 2.5 years. We have known each other since we were about 16. He has been the most loving, supportive, faithful person since we got together. It is a wonderful relationship and we bring out the best in each other. Currently we don't live together but we have recently started looking to buy our first house.

Last night, I was watching a programme on our Ipad which is linked to his phone. At the time, he was on the train home from work. He and his friends were having a group conversation over imessage and every incoming message popped up at the top of the Ipad as I was watching iplayer. One text appeared referring to a girl as "the one that got away, hey MrGenie" and I couldn't help myself - I opened the group chat to see who they were talking about (please no lectures, I already feel terrible and have never felt a need to snoop before). I soon realised that my partner had sent to his friends an instagram picture of a girl in a dress with her chest out. My partner had commented that he didn't know what he would do if he saw her like that. Cue the most disgusting discussion between these men joking that she was asking to be raped wearing that, even a judge would agree, etc. Gang rape was also joked about. My partner was actively participating in this chat, talking about a time when he went home with this girl after a night out and had "finished" in the taxi before they even got home because she was so hot. They didn't end up sleeping together, which he said he was "still gutted about".

Needless to say I am devastated. Reading that conversation was like reading the messages of a stranger. I have never seen this vile side of him and I feel like I don't know him at all. To me, it is so out of character but maybe he is just an absolute arsehole when I am not around. I am disgusted by the things he said and disgusted by his friends. I feel disrespected, humiliated, terrified that I do not know my own boyfriend.

I have been at work today so have avoided seeing him, but we have an appointment with a mortgage adviser tonight so I am supposed to pick him up from work in an hour. Currently, I can't even bare the thought of looking at him.

Am I overreacting - is this something you could get over? I know that these texts were sick jokes but even joking about it crosses a line in my opinion. I am distraught at the thought of ending this relationship but he obviously has this revolting immature side of him that only comes out when he's with his laddy mates. I'm not sure how I would trust him when he goes out with these friends in the future, or how I would ever look his friends in the eye again.

[msrisotto]

Well, you're revolted by him so i'm not sure this relationship has much future even if you decided to try and move on from this tbh. I don't blame you though. I wouldn't choose to be with some misogynistic twat's alter ego either.

[msrisotto]

I wouldn't trust him to keep our sex life private either, for some reason, he just sounds like the type to go into lurid details with his laddy mates. Eugh.

[DoreenLethal]

A bridge too far for me too. Perhaps not pick him up, and when he asks where you are tell him to get a taxi and perhaps he can finish himself off on the way home.

[Lweji]

You're not overreacting.

[SpongeBobJudgeyPants]

Run, run for the hills.

[mummyto2monkeys]

No I don't think you are, he was completely disrespectful talking about that woman the way he was. I would actually be questioning whether he would remain faithful on a night out with his so called mates. If my husband spoke about another woman like that, then expressed regret at not getting to sleep with an old contest, I would be telling him to Sod off and find her.

My husband and I have an iPad like that, we also use each other's kindle fire devices. So not spying before anyone accuses you of spying, on our iPad full messages are displayed on the top of our screen.

[VestalVirgin]

I am reather confident that a guy like this would not even have become my boyfriend in the first place, but we all make mistakes.

Cancel the plans to buy a house, at the very least. If you cannot bring yourself to end the relationship right now, give yourself a bit more time to get to know him. Apparently, 2,5 years weren't really enough.

Bring up the topic of rape jokes in an unrelated context and see how he talks to you - it might help you do disengage, emotionally, if you get his views first-hand.

Also, think about how he reacts if you say no to sex, or to a specific sex act. Is he pushy?

[CaptainCrunch]

I would be totally gutted too. I always remember watching the covert footage of those cuntish sky sports presenters. Richard somebody and Andy Gray. They were goading Jamie redknapp into saying something horribly sexist and disgusting about one of his exes. He looked incredibly uncomfortable and didn't participate.

You're quite right to question your future with him.

[Salene]

What a Shame as its sounds like with you he is a decent human being, but with his friends the other end of the scale. I'm not sure what I'd do in this situation as this is clearly who he is when with his pals. I'm not sure if I would end a relationship over it untill at least you have spoken to him.

[Lemonblast]

YANBU.
He and his mates sound vile.
Vile, sexist, objectifying pigs. Would you really want to potentially have children with a man who views women in this way?

[mummyto2monkeys]

Conquest not contest. I love Doreen Lethal's suggestion. I would be flipping raging, cancel the meeting with the mortgage advisor and turn your phone off. Put a key on the inside of your door so he can't get in and refuse to pick him up.

[AyeAmarok]

I couldn't get passed that to be honest.

No wonder you think differently about him now and feel like you don't know him.

He's a creep. And I wouldn't want someone who thinks that way anywhere near me, let alone in my bed.

[Furiosa]

YANBU to be furious and disgusted at him.

I think you need to talk to him about what you saw and how it's made you feel. The stuff you've told us, disgusted, like you don't know him.

Go from there.

I'm not saying YWBU to dump him over this but you need to find out if this side of him is his real self or if he's acting the part for his friend. Still pretty unforgivable but you need to show him how this has affected you.

[Genie0709]

In a way I wanted you to tell me I was being unreasonable, just so I didn't have to face the possibility of ending it. But I know what he's done/said is unacceptable.

I thought he was very much a decent human being. My family and friends love him, he is incredibly well thought of and liked in the local community, he coaches local children in cricket and football and I have never met anyone with a bad word to say about him.

How can you be so wrong about a person?!

[BirthdayBetty]

Yanbu or over reacting imo. They all sound like a bunch of sexist vile twats. He clearly has no respect for women.

[Hissy]

Go to the mortgage appointment, on your own and look to see if you an buy your own property alone.

[Lweji]

Consider that this revolting side is likely to come out with you when he thinks you're secure.
This is a proverbial huge red flag.

[VestalVirgin]

I think you need to talk to him about what you saw and how it's made you feel. The stuff you've told us, disgusted, like you don't know him.

I wouldn't, I'd try to find out what his real thoughts are. He will obviously not admit those to a girlfriend, if, as we must assume, he is a sexist twat, because he will be completely okay with lying to a person he perceives as no more than an object.

Actions speak louder than words; so I would watch his behaviour rather than demand an explanation from him.

[xbblx123]

I don't think your over reacting, he has no respect for women run for this Hills

[acasualobserver]

It wouldn't be unreasonable to call it a day because of this - you have a right to feel disgusted by his actions - but is it possible that this was bravado, herd behaviour and, somehow, not the real him? I would confront him and see what he has to say. I agree with a pp though, a joint house purchase is probably a bit premature.

[ktmummy1]

I would admit i'd seen it and wait for his reaction.

[Lweji]

If he's that susceptible to herd behaviour, who knows what else he'd do with his mates? Visit prostitutes? Actually rape? Could he have done it in the past?

[Birdsgottafly]

It's upto you whether you can get past it.

I'm not excusing it, but an awful lot of younger men hold views that they keep hidden, accept between themselves and anonymously online.

You could speak to him and make a decision based on what he says.

[TheKingSits]

YANBU. Just be warned he might try to minimise it - 'it's just banter with the lads, all guys talk like that, of course I don't really think like that' etc. From what you have said it sounds like it goes beyond standard banter into something totally vile.