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To complain about my free childcare arrangement?

(51 Posts)
Dilemmawithfil12 Thu 21-Apr-16 19:01:28

FIL looks after DD 1 day a week while I work, he is fully retired and I am so great full for this as we would be screwed financially without it.

However he has DD at our house and every week I come home to some form of damage in my house that he has caused. For example, he forgot to do the lid up on her drink and spilt juice all over our brand new £1000 sofa, he didn't clean it up so it's now stained. The week before she was sick on the rug and he didn't clean it up, just left it all day and it was so ruined we had to throw it out. The week before that he went to the woods and didn't take his shoes off (he never does) and trod mud all into the brand new carpets upstairs. He also goes through her wardrobes and throws the clothes on the floor as he gets them out, leaving them creased in a pile. He also leaves poo-y nappies around the house.

He also ignores my requests for, no juice and no sweets etc. But this doesn't bother me as much.

I have mentioned these things in passing but obviously am reluctant to Say anything properly as he is doing us a massive favour.

If I stop using him I have to give up work and we will be even more financially screwed than we are now. Plus he loves having her as it's something to do, he's always asking to come round and is the one who asked to have her 1 day a week. He suggested more but I declined.

Would I be unreasonable to tell him to start respecting my house a bit more? Considering he is doing it for free? Does anyone have other suggestions? I'm ready for a flaming!

katemiddletonsnudeheels Thu 21-Apr-16 19:03:41

New £1000 sofa and new carpets? Blimey.

Not sure how you'd raise it.

Dilemmawithfil12 Thu 21-Apr-16 19:04:25

We've just moved here so that's why it's all new!

katemiddletonsnudeheels Thu 21-Apr-16 19:05:05

Fair enough!

NeedACleverNN Thu 21-Apr-16 19:05:24

Well no you wouldn't be unreasonable to ask him to respect your home

But you will get people saying it's free childcare...suck it up

dementedpixie Thu 21-Apr-16 19:05:44

Can he look after her at his house instead?

cheminotte Thu 21-Apr-16 19:05:51

Is there any possibility of her going to his house instead? Maybe not every week but for a change?

cheminotte Thu 21-Apr-16 19:06:30


nephrofox Thu 21-Apr-16 19:08:30

I'd be worried his blatant lack of respect for you/your home and worry that he would pass that on to your daughter.

Duckdeamon Thu 21-Apr-16 19:08:44

The sofa thing was unfortunate but could happen easily. Mess, not great but liveable. The mud in the house etc is not OK!

As it's your partner's parent they should be the one to speak to him, and NOT in ways that put it on you!

Are the soiled nappies at least done up in bags?

PurpleCrazyHorse Thu 21-Apr-16 19:08:47

I'd have a really honest chat with him about the juice on the sofa and the mud trod through the carpets. I'd pick my battles though and forget about not giving her juice and sweets.

There's no need for him to tread mud through your house and onto your carpets, unless he's 5! And I'm sure he could have found a cloth to wipe the sofa (does your MIL usually do this at home though, not an excuse but is he run around after by her?).

Hassled Thu 21-Apr-16 19:09:25

I think it's going to have to be your DH who talks to him rather than you. And I don't see how you can say "we're really grateful, love you loads, did we mention we're grateful BUT please take better care of our house and its belongings" without some sort of offence being caused. I feel for you - I can see your POV completely, but it'll be a bugger to deal with. When the weather gets better will he be out of the house more - are there any more outside-based things you could suggest they do?

CaptainCrunch Thu 21-Apr-16 19:10:10

I couldn't bear coming home to that, I'd rather pay for childcare and be in control of the situation. Leaving shit and vomit all over the place is irresponsible and very unhygienic. He's just as likely to do that in his home as yours. The health risk isn't worth it.

Pinkheart5915 Thu 21-Apr-16 19:10:12

its a tricky one as of course it's nice of him to have dd for free and help you out and I'm sure your grateful, but he should also respect the house.

How old is dd? Does she go to school any time soon. If so I'd probably put up with it for a little longer.
However if she doesn't go to school for years I think you need to have a little chat,
Maybe it would be better for your dp/dh to take to his dad and explain that he would much appreciate it if he could keep an eye on lids on cups etc as it can cause damage/stains to sofas etc and you can't really afford replacements.

Could dd go to your fil house on that day each week? If his near by.

CalleighDoodle Thu 21-Apr-16 19:11:33

My parents are my childcare. The ysed to do it at my house because it was easier but my mum would rummage through drawers, bring pikes of spare clothes downstairs 'just in case' and use every cup in the house. The house waS so untidy i was so stressed as it would take me 45 mins every evening just to clean up the mess my mum had made for no reason. In the end i said it would be better for them if i dropped the children of at their house. My house stays clean and tidy. She always complains her house is untidy but i always check and it is always her mess!!!

So option 1 is drop child off at fils house.
Option 2 is nursery or childminder.

PurpleCrazyHorse Thu 21-Apr-16 19:11:49

I'd definitely chat to him about the sofa and carpets, not on at all. I'd forget about clothes mess, sweets and juice drinking (although if you don't buy it, he can't give it to her, or hide it!)

On a separate note, I'm sure the sofa and carpets can be cleaned. My brother's Vax is amazing and the 1001 cleaning products are brilliant on fabric stains too (test on a bit on the back), we use the aerosol one and it's like magic.

landrover Thu 21-Apr-16 19:12:17

How old is your DD? You will be able to get free childcare at some point I guess? More to the point, how old is your FIL? Sounds a bit more than just accidents? Is he coping with her alright? I would be more concerned about that aspect. x

CalleighDoodle Thu 21-Apr-16 19:13:49

My mum broke loads of stuff too. Ornaments she let the children play with (why??? BecUse they wanted to. Ok then ffs) and even a lock on my cuoboard door that had been in place ONE WEEK becUse she was hanging her coat from it instead of hanging her coat on the coat hooks inside the cupboard.

DeadGood Thu 21-Apr-16 19:20:31

I could have written your post. My FIL is not as bad, but lets DD pick up things like pens or lipstick, and then just ... Doesn't react. Doesn't take them off her, or spends so long doing something else and not keeping an eye on her that she can wreak havoc with them.
Difference between me and you OP is that I have spoken to him about it. Actually, I'm ashamed to admit that the third time it happened I simply lost my rag and raised my voice at him. He's just impractical and isn't "on it" like I would be.
Don't lose your temper like I did - talk to him or better yet, as others have said, ask your husband to talk to him. Not acceptable to treat your place as he is.

Fluffycloudland77 Thu 21-Apr-16 19:28:16

So basically it's the most expensive childcare ever?.

You could have a gold plated norland nanny for £1k a day. You've got to ask if it's worth all the stress.

FarAwayHills Thu 21-Apr-16 19:29:10

How old is your FIL and is he in good health, fit and able to cope with a small child? Also depends on the age of your DD.

He sounds just like my Dadgrin his heart is in the right place even if his domestic skills are not up to scratch. He is enjoying spending time with his Grandaugter and it could be tricky to approach this without causing offence.

As PP have said it might be better if he had her at his house or could your DD do a morning at nursery to lighten the load for him a bit.

SurroMummy13 Thu 21-Apr-16 19:30:38

Why not ask him to watch her at his home? That way if/when there is damage, it's not in your home.

murmuration Thu 21-Apr-16 19:35:41

Sounds like other childcare could be cheaper?

Joinourclub Thu 21-Apr-16 19:36:50

Maybe get a big sheet to chuck over the sofa on the day he is there? And put out her clothes for that day in a pile so he does t have to root through her wardrobe? I

Excited101 Thu 21-Apr-16 19:45:17

I think I'd be more worried about the care of your dd if he's happy to leave a pile of her vomit in the middle of the floor all day.

You can't bite off the hands that feeds you but equally, that's pretty horrible. Are there any other options op?

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