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.. to turn my DSD's bedroom back into a family room?

(47 Posts)
Scootering Thu 21-Apr-16 14:31:37

DSD moved out four months ago to stay with her bf ... and hasn't moved back!

Her bedroom is a complete tip and mainly taken up with a giant bed that we bought her a few years ago. Her bedroom is the main 'lounge' room in our small house: the only other room is a kitchen/diner/sitting room that we all use.

DH doesn't want to touch DD's bedroom, so she is always welcome to come back. I think that is a bit daft. We could do with the space.

She also has a room at her mother's house although they don't get on.

WIBU to want to put her stuff in boxes and reclaim the room? She can always have it back if she wants to come back.

YouAreMyRain Thu 21-Apr-16 14:32:25

How old is she?

hesterton Thu 21-Apr-16 14:33:27

Talk to her about it? It's not unreasonable so she should see that.

Scootering Thu 21-Apr-16 14:33:37

ps she is just 18

Arfarfanarf Thu 21-Apr-16 14:34:47

Sounds sensible. The room remains there it is simply put to another use while she is living elsewhere. If she ever wants to come home - it becomes her bedroom again.

As long as she knows that, I don't see the problem. For how long do you keep an empty bedroom while you need the space?

Msqueen33 Thu 21-Apr-16 14:35:28

Could you broach it with her? And say you've always got a bed for her but was wondering how she'd feel. A bedroom seems silly if you're short of space and she's never there but obviously you need to make sure she understands she's always welcome back and how she feels about it. How old is she?

icklekid Thu 21-Apr-16 14:36:26

Are you in contact with her? Is there any way of putting a sofa bed in so if she did come back then at least she has somewhere to sleep. I imagine if she broke up with her bf she would want to come back and I guess at 18 at some point that's possible!

2016Hopeful Thu 21-Apr-16 14:37:44

It makes sense to change it back. However, if things go wrong with the boyfriend she may come back suddenly which would mean you would have to shift everything all over again and quite quickly!! I would let her know first but reassure her that if she comes home you are happy to change it back again.

Stormtreader Thu 21-Apr-16 14:38:57

Cant you phone her and ask her?

centigrade451 Thu 21-Apr-16 14:43:43

She is barely an adult and she is barely out of the house. I'd wait until she has been gone a year. It sounds like 'evil stepmother' to do it so soon. It WILL make her feel like you couldn't wait to get her out and get her space.

If it was me, in a few more months, ask her if she is ok as it doesn't make sense to keep a room for someone not there. Also, get her to help clear it out if it is her stuff.

I moved out when I was 24, but my parents kept my bedroom until I got married (at 33). But then my parents had 6 bedrooms.

Clearly space is an issue for you - but I would approach this action cautiously.

Scootering Thu 21-Apr-16 14:43:46

I really want DH to take the lead on asking her, but he doesn't want to do so.

I was thinking about a day bed type thing, to keep the door open as it were. It would need redecorating though as she's painted it black.

WhatchaMaCalllit Thu 21-Apr-16 15:03:39

If your DH doesn't want to redecorate the room it could be that he will see this as the final cutting of the apron strings as it were and that his little girl is off being an young woman and doesn't rely on her daddy any more (though I could be wildly off the mark with that).

That said, as she saw fit to paint the walls black, I'd change them back at least. Perhaps suggest to your DH that you need an office/study with a day bed in it (thereby allaying any issues he may have and you get to tweak the redecorating as you need it to be).

I'd also invite her over for a chat and explain that you don't want her to feel that she is not welcome back at any stage but that you do need the room for the rest of the family that are still living there, and will be replacing the bed with a day bed should she ever need or want to stay over.

LeggyBlondeNE Thu 21-Apr-16 15:11:03

My mother boxed up my stuff the day after I called from uni to say I was going to do a PhD (so effectively moving out for three full years albeit living in a small college room). Of course, I was 21 at the time but I still felt a bit miffed. If she'd only left my books on my bookcase, I could have coped with my other stuff being in the attic!

She was being totally reasonable really, my stepdad snored and she was desperate for her own room at night, but I can't say my 21 year old self was reasonable back!

EatShitDerek Thu 21-Apr-16 15:13:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

loobypas Thu 21-Apr-16 15:15:34

How about a compromise, get your DSD to help decide a colour scheme, redecorate but instead of having a bed have either a sofa bed or a day bed and then the room is ready to have your DSD move back again if it all goes wrong with the boyfriend. You get a livable space back but DSD still has the security of knowing she has a fall back plan.

amarmai Thu 21-Apr-16 15:17:04

what colour were you thinking of painting it ?

MrsJayy Thu 21-Apr-16 15:18:30

I was just going to suggest a day bed jobbie so if she comes back she has somewhere to sleep I can see her dads reluctance to change her room he wants her to have somewhere to come back too if the BF doesnt work out.

frikadela01 Thu 21-Apr-16 15:20:07

My bedroom was taken over the day after I moved out for uni at 18. I slept on a sofa bed when I came back. Space was precious in our house back then and my parents discussed it with me. I don't really get the idea of being precious about bedrooms once dc are grown up. Especially if space is an issue. Just discuss it with her.

HanYOLO Thu 21-Apr-16 15:20:42

I would change it into a room that could be used by everyone, with sofa-bed, some storage for her stuff. I would not make it into a main family living space, not yet.

At just 18 she may well be back!

AcrossthePond55 Thu 21-Apr-16 15:23:19

Before I did anything (other than paint those walls!!!) I'd speak to her and explain that she's always welcome back home but that due to the lack of space in the house you will be 'reclaiming' the lounge unless/until she wants/needs to move home. The daybed is a good idea to make that statement, too, although I expect that if when she moves back she'll want her huge bed.

What are you going to do with her 'stuff'? And bear in mind that I'd be willing to place a large bet on her moving back within a year. A first move out with a bf at 18? Unless both of them are incredibly mature it's pretty unlikely that either of them is 'the one' for the other. <dons flameproof suit against all the MNers who met/married their true love at 18. I know it happens, it's just rare these days>

MrsJayy Thu 21-Apr-16 15:23:52

Yeah I agree not yet

PinkSparklyPussyCat Thu 21-Apr-16 15:24:09

I don't think you are unreasonable, especially about the redecorating. Hell would freeze over before anyone painted a room black in my house!

I don't see that there is problem with redecorating and putting in a sofa bed so she's got somewhere to come back to.

Scootering Thu 21-Apr-16 15:26:19

Relations with her are somewhat strained and as you say, I am wary of being an evil stepmum even more than necessary... smile

I don't think she is really in a place to have a reasonable conversation about it. She has always been a hoarder and won't sort or throw things away.

I think that is part of DH's reluctance. But we do now have four of us in one living / eating room and I think that it is unreasonable to have a large room empty all the time.

MoreKopparbergthanKrug Thu 21-Apr-16 15:28:22

I think, as long as she knew she could come back and you didn't dump her stuff, it would be fine to repurpose the room.

As soon as I moved to university, my dad sold the family home and moved in with his girlfriend. I didn't even have anywhere to come back to in the holidays.

He only told me he was selling after contracts had been exchanged. He thinks he was more than generous storing my stuff until I left university.

coffeeisnectar Thu 21-Apr-16 15:29:07


Reclaim the room. Put in a day bed or sofa bed and then she can always stay if needed. But really, why should everyone suffer if no-one actually needs the bedroom on a daily basis?

My oldest is off to uni next year and while she is at uni it will remain her room. However once she's finished uni the room will be reclaimed if she has left home.

Seems madness to be asking her permission, asking her to choose paint for it (wtf??) and everyone else crammed into a kitchen while her room gathers dust.

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