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To ask: coincidence or paranoia?

(72 Posts)
TiredHamster Wed 20-Apr-16 15:13:56

You are one of a group of ten colleagues. Most of them have invited the group over to their houses for a meal, and each time this has happened, most have come. All invites and arrangements are done by email, typically a month or so in advance

You email the whole group, inviting them all round for a meal at yours. on a day a month from now. One by one, each of them declines, until everyone has said they can't come.

Should you infer from this that:

A. What a coincidence! Everyone has a pre-booked holiday, family gathering or unspecified other prior engagement on that day


B. They don't like you but don't want to tell you.


Paperbacked Wed 20-Apr-16 15:18:04

I'd first be asking myself whether it's a bank holiday weekend or another time when people are likely to be away/have other commitments. Did they all hit 'reply all'? If so, nd they could all see who was replying and saying they couldn't make it, there's possibly also a side order of 'Oh, W, X, Y and Z aren't going, so it'll feel a bit thin' and then 'Oh, everyone else can't go - I don't want to have a one-on-one/one-on-two because that would be weird'...?

TiredHamster Wed 20-Apr-16 15:19:24

Not a bank holiday weekend, not school or uni holidays - I checked.

Five used reply-all and five sent private replies.

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar Wed 20-Apr-16 15:20:40

what paperbacked said. as a one-off, I wouldn't be reading anything in to it

AlwaysDancing1234 Wed 20-Apr-16 15:22:06

As a one off is think it was just one of those things. If however you issue another invite in a months time and the same thing happens....Id be worried!

Queenbean Wed 20-Apr-16 15:22:47

I can't even get my 10 colleagues together 3 months in advance, let alone 1 month. I can't believe it normally works ok like this!

I'm trying to arrange drinks with my two best friends and there isn't a date that works for us until mid-June. And that's just 3 of us.

Don't take it personally. Set up a doodle poll instead so that everyone can say what date is best for them. Et voila!

ChalkHearts Wed 20-Apr-16 15:26:07

I think you're right to be paranoid.

Something weird is going on.

TiredHamster Wed 20-Apr-16 15:28:32

There's not going to be a next time. Honestly, there isn't.

Queenbean Wed 20-Apr-16 15:29:05

What reasons did they all give for not being able to come?

AlwaysDancing1234 Wed 20-Apr-16 15:30:25

Oh dear, but did they give reasons?

TiredHamster Wed 20-Apr-16 15:31:57

Six are "away for that weekend"
Two are "away for the fortnight"
Two didn't give a reason.

Pootles2010 Wed 20-Apr-16 15:41:44

But surely if they are away for the weekend/fortnight you will hear about it anyway, being colleagues? I can't see how they'd fake being away for a fortnight! I bet your last two were due to others not going.

AnthonyPandy Wed 20-Apr-16 15:43:15

Can you check if the two do indeed have a fortnight off work?

diddl Wed 20-Apr-16 15:47:27

Perhaps the two who didn't give a reason just didn't want to when so many others had declined?

Are you usually invited as one of the ten when others issue invitations & do you usually go?

pinkandstripey Wed 20-Apr-16 15:50:56

If you're one of a group of 10, how come you got 10 replies? Surely you'd only invite 9 people (you being the 10th obv)

floraldresser Wed 20-Apr-16 15:52:05

They don't like you

GarlicShake Wed 20-Apr-16 15:58:12

Are you an absolutely terrible cook?? Have a bad-tempered dog or unfriendly DP? Do you live in the furthest reaches of Nowhere?

Or perhaps they're all having an affair and are going away together wink

FV45 Wed 20-Apr-16 15:59:34

I would concur that it's a bad way to organise things. Better would be to pencil in a date at the preceding gathering. I think that's how lots of regular but informal gatherings are organised e.g. our book club.
You'll always get last minute changes of plans, but most should still be able to come, or at least tell you in advance if something else has cropped up.

Queenbean Wed 20-Apr-16 16:04:00

If it's a weekend a month away I can definitely see how it happens

If they didn't like you you wouldn't even get an invite to their events

But with an attitude of saying that if no one could come then you'd never invite them again is a bit stupid. Just arrange a doodle poll and then everyone can say when they're free

MattDillonsPants Wed 20-Apr-16 16:04:07

I would be paranoid too OP. Post a message saying "Gah! Obviously planned that night badly as every single one of you is away...I'd like to offer an alternative date, what about X"

And see if they all respond with turn downs. THEN assume they don't like you.

acasualobserver Wed 20-Apr-16 16:04:15

How have things worked until now? Have any/all been to yours for a meal before? How many of them have entertained you?

HPsauciness Wed 20-Apr-16 16:05:24

Six being away is quite a lot- are they all at the same event?

Two on annual leave is more plausible.

Difficult to know without other information really, but yes, I probably would be a bit miffed, although if they all had individually sensible excuses, and I knew them well, I wouldn't think anything of it.

TitaniumSpider Wed 20-Apr-16 16:10:22

It a conspiracy. They are all going out somewhere together and don't want you to go.

AlwaysDancing1234 Wed 20-Apr-16 16:10:59

Does seem like a lot of holidays.
If the date is near a school holiday or bank holiday it does explain it (clutching at straws)
Maybe you could send a group email saying "can anyone suggest and alternative date that wild wrk and we'll see if we can work something out to suit everyone" if you get vague answers then maybe worry about it thwn.

QueenOfToast Wed 20-Apr-16 16:16:00

Have you declined your own invitation?

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