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To just want a bit of privacy?

(11 Posts)
StuRedman Wed 20-Apr-16 14:29:59

I was in hospital on Monday night (MH issues). My lovely DH had a hour's sleep that night, took ds2 to preschool and got the older two off to school and then went to work.

He saw my sister at preschool and passed on that I was in hospital but that I was ok.

The rest of the day was hideously busy for him, he worked until pick up time, got them home and fed and then took the teens to their activities in the evening before coming to get me when I was discharged in the evening. We went straight to sleep when we got in.

He's off work today with me and we both did the preschool run this morning. We bumped into my sister and my mother. While DH took Ds in to school, they both complained to me that DH hadn't kept them informed of my comings and goings yesterday. My mother then said, crossly, that she'd phoned the hospital and my kids' school to find out what was happening and whether the DC were at school, and was really upset that neither school not hospital would talk to her as she's not down as my NoK.

They both said that I am shutting them out and that they should have been kept up to speed with what was happening, and berated me for posting happy stuff on FB when I was actually heading for a meltdown.

My mother in particular is hyper critical of me anyway and , as expected, her reaction to me being hospitalised was not exactly supportive but more 'why do you let yourself get to that state, why aren't you trying harder'.

Dh is very protective of me and believes I should minimise my contact with my family as they are so negative about me. I appreciate that they were worried, but phoning the school is beyond the pale. There was nothing stopping them phoning DH.

I'm obviously not in the best frame of mind at the moment anyway, and this morning's conversation was hard to say the least, I felt very got at.

Sorry, this has got a bit long. Basically, AIBU to think that in my late thirties I don't need my mother checking up on me like a child and that they ought to lay off a bit?

StuRedman Wed 20-Apr-16 14:43:59

There was also no reason why they couldn't phone me if they wanted all the gory details of my admittance, but they didn't, just phoned the hospital and school. It's made me feel really hounded tbh.

beckslovestimmy Wed 20-Apr-16 14:50:55

Your definitely not BU! I am sorry they are not being more supportive. They should be asking if there's anything they can do to help you and/or DH (who sounds great by the way). If you were my sister I would say I'm here if you want to talk and I'd try and help with the kids/housework etc so you and DH could have a bit of time together.

Not in the same league but my mother cannot get her head around the fact that in stressful/upsetting/happy situations the person I want to support me is my DH. She gets really shitty if she thinks she's being left out. You have my sympathies. Hope your on the road to recovery thanks

EssentialHummus Wed 20-Apr-16 14:55:51

Didn't want to read an run OP flowers. You are sooo not BU - your family should recognise that this is a tough time, and if you want to focus on yourself and your DH for now, that is absolutely fine. You don't need to send out updates to all and sundry. DM is welcome to offer assistance / support, but should otherwise butt out. And phoning the school is beyond the pale and strays close to shit-stirring IMO.

StuRedman Wed 20-Apr-16 15:05:43

Thank you both.

My immediate reaction this morning was to feel guilty that I hadn't made sure they were all kept in the loop and ashamed that I'd let everybody down by being hospitalised again.

I spoke to the crisis team nurse today and she pointed out that it was completely overbearing of them and unhelpful, it took an outsider saying it for me to really process it and now I'm just angry and sad.

AlwaysDancing1234 Wed 20-Apr-16 15:16:51

I hope you are feeling a little better today. flowers
It sounds like the sort of thing my narc Mother would say, makes it all about them rather than you (and you should be the important one when you are unwell)
I agree with your DH about your Mum and sister, I'm not saying cut them off completely just don't engage with them much and distance yourself for the sake of your mental health and wellbeing

Shodan Wed 20-Apr-16 15:43:14

I agree with the others.

Please try and distance yourself- people like this never change (I know- my mother is the same) and they are damaging to your mental health. I have had six months without my mother interfering/creating unnecessary drama/trying to make out that her feelings are more important and I can tell you, I have never felt stronger and more relaxed.

It took one final unreasonable demand from my mother for me to blow up and stop contact. You don't want to get to this stage- it's exhausting.

StuRedman Wed 20-Apr-16 15:44:06

Thank you. It's so hard to lessen contact and their involvement because they are so involved. I just wish it could be helpful and supportive involvement instead of telling me what to do all the time.

witsender Wed 20-Apr-16 15:52:58

Yanbu at all. You and your husband sound like a strong unit, and I hope he is making you lots of coffees. flowers

StuRedman Wed 20-Apr-16 16:19:02

Thank you. He is indeed making me ALL the coffees. grin

witsender Wed 20-Apr-16 19:16:55


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