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to wonder if a mother and son are ever as close as a mother and daughter?

(51 Posts)
cjt110 Wed 20-Apr-16 13:46:47

So, the old phrase "A daughter's a daughter all her life, a son's a son til he takes a wife" Bit old fashioned nowadays but lately I got to wondering whether m and my son will ever be as close and me and my mum were and still are even though I'm married with my own child.

I have seen with my own eyes my husband become more distanced from his family. We met in 2003, got together in 2004, I moved 150 miles away in 2005 to go to uni and he followed in 2006. This was his decision. He had always been quite close to his mum until then. Lived a 2-3 minute walk away, had his own keys to their house even though he had been moved out for years. Would pop u and see them etc etc.

Now in 2016, we've been together 12 years, married 3.5 years and have a 20 month old son. He rarely calls his Mum. We visit perhaps 4 times a year. Since 2005 his Mum has visited us maybe 5 times.

So, is there any truth to this old quote? Has anyone got experience of still being close to their grown up sons? And how do you maintain this without smothering?

AnnaMarlowe Wed 20-Apr-16 13:48:29

My DH is very close to both his parents. We see them every week and he speaks to them at least twice a week on the phone.

gymboywalton Wed 20-Apr-16 13:49:29

no idea but i hope so!
i have a much closer relationship with my sons than i have ever had my mother

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Wed 20-Apr-16 13:49:38

My brother is closer to my mum than I am.

MissBattleaxe Wed 20-Apr-16 13:49:46

I'm a daughter and have had a very fractious relationship with my mother. It doesn't always follow that you'll be close because you're female.

LemonySmithit Wed 20-Apr-16 13:50:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squoosh Wed 20-Apr-16 13:51:03

He rarely calls his Mum. We visit perhaps 4 times a year. Since 2005 his Mum has visited us maybe 5 times.

They obviously don't have a very close relationship then. But I don't think it has anything to do with a particular mother/son dynamic.

I grew up in Ireland, some say Irish mothers and sons are altogether too close!

GunShotResidue Wed 20-Apr-16 13:52:29

Me and DH are both very close to our families, but I would say DH is closer to MIL than I was to my mum. He's just as close since getting married, if not more so.

Micah Wed 20-Apr-16 13:53:01

Dh is very close to his parents.

I moved a couple of hundred miles at 18 for a reason. We are not close.

As always, it's a personality thing, matching genitalia does not mean matching likes, dislikes, or even that you'll like each other.

Sushiqueen Wed 20-Apr-16 13:54:17

My DH is far closer to his mum than his dad and always had been.
I am closer to my dad and my brother is closer to our mum. Always been that way in our family and I can't see that changing.
Every family is different.

DownstairsMixUp Wed 20-Apr-16 13:54:52

I'm closer to my dad than my brother but my brother is closer to my mum than I am.

Gottagetmoving Wed 20-Apr-16 13:56:00

I was never close to my mother but neither was my brother.
I speak to my son several times a week and see him at least once a week.
I speak to my daughter several times a week but see her less often.
I do think women are better at keeping in touch.
The men I know tend to see their mothers less, usually because they get grief from their wife/partner, the men don't seem to mind their wife being close to their mother.

hairymelonwalton Wed 20-Apr-16 14:06:58

i dont think it matters if you have a son or a daughter. if you have a good relationship that will stay even when they get married.
unless you dont like their partners things might get abit awkward (or vice versa)

cjt110 Wed 20-Apr-16 14:08:13

Very interesting in everyones replies. Perhaps it's not true then. My husband used to be very close but one he moved, contact both ways seemed to fade away.

Mousefinkle Wed 20-Apr-16 14:08:43

Closer ime. My brother is closer to our mum than I am. My best male friend has the closest relationship with a mother I've ever known. Women I've known have generally been closer to their dad's. I was always closer to him growing up, closer to my mum now I'm an adult though.

FoxInABox Wed 20-Apr-16 14:09:12

My DH is much closer to his parents and siblings than I am to mine- but it is quite toxic too. I hope I can still be close to my DC when they are adults, I really hope they don't drift away!

whatamidoinghereanyway Wed 20-Apr-16 14:16:34

It's a completely different bond. My mother favoured my brother and it damaged our relationship for life. I now have a mixture and though I am closer to my daughter in that we share the same interests, my sons are extremely protective of me and loving. Of course I hope they will spread their wings as will my daughter but don't write off mother/son relationships, it's doing our sons a disservice smile

Sunshine87 Wed 20-Apr-16 14:20:27

I would say both me and my eldest brother are close with our mum. I would say a daughter and mother relationship is different to that of a mother and a son in many aspects such as when your daughter gives birth or gets married they tend to have a more hands on role but not always. It just depends on the individual.

Paperbacked Wed 20-Apr-16 14:21:09

A daughter's a daughter all her life, a son's a son til he takes a wife

I never heard this particular piece of folk 'wisdom' until it kept getting spouted on Mn. Is it an English thing?

As a pp said, in Ireland the cliché is of obsessively close lifelong mother-son relationships. Are we to assume Irish mothers and sons thus behave entirely differently to mothers and sons in this country? Or could the old 'a daughter's a daughter for all of her life' thing simply be a sexist, reactionary bit of nonsense that tells us society still expects women to rush around caretaking family relationships on top of anything else they might be doing, whereas men aren't expected to do anything so emotionally demanding, because they are supposed to just go to work and grunt at football?

MadHattersWineParty Wed 20-Apr-16 14:21:22

My mum can barely hide her dislike of me and is insidiously nasty if I let her get to close.

I've distanced myself from her for the most part.

She adores my brothers because they toe the line and have not cut their apron strings with her.

My dad is a wonderful man and it brings me genuine joy and happiness to be in his company, sadly not as often as I'd like due to distance.

Hayels Wed 20-Apr-16 14:24:50

My brothers are very close to my mum, speak to her a couple of times a week, will pop in to see her, etc. But they have a different relationship to her and I as we speak most days, go away for the weekend or to the theatre or out for dinner together. I have a few friends who have a similar relationship with their mums but don't know of any men who would have a relationship like that. Imagine it's different in each family though

cjt110 Wed 20-Apr-16 14:28:00

I guess I cant help but feel mky son, as he gets older, will perhaos be more independant from me than a duaghtr might be. I guess because I;ve always been very close, whilst generally independant but also dependant on my mum at the same time IYSWIM. Then again, my parents divorced when I was 2 and perhaps until I was 27, I always called my "Dad" my StepDad. Wherease now, I am extremely close to him and don't see my father at all.

Blu Wed 20-Apr-16 14:43:56

My teenage son does not talk with me as I used to talk with my Mum.
However, that doesn't mean we are not close.
My brother has been closer to my Mum at times in his life than I have.

I don't think you can generalise. So many factors.

Blu Wed 20-Apr-16 14:45:40

In fact, though I spoke lots, about intimate things, with my Mum there was so much that went on in my life that I kept hidden from her - from early teens on.
She was and is a good Mum, I had a happy childhood.
But I was emotionally self sufficient, and also chose to keep from her things that would have horrified her.

peggyundercrackers Wed 20-Apr-16 14:47:59

my DH is much closer to his mum, his brother is the same. My DD is closer to DH than she is to me - if there is anything at all happens she runs to him.

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