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AIBU - DD in a relationship with older, married man

(115 Posts)
louisesmum Tue 19-Apr-16 17:51:16

Hello everyone, I used to frequent the Mumsnet forums many moons ago when my DD was much younger. Not sure if there's any old faces still remaining on here and I've tried to catch up with the new lingo, however, we shall see.

Last week I learnt from my daughter (19) that she had been seeing married man in his forties (someone my own age). She only admitted this as I had heard from a mututal friend that they had been spotted together and I was completely unaware of the situation. I confronted her - naturally - and warned her off and reminded her of the damage that extramarital affairs can do. She's 19 and obviously is able to make her own decisions, however, I cannot seem to make her see sense. She is unhappy to be 'a bit on the side' as they say and is convinced that she and this man have a future together. I don't know who he is, though I have heard that he's got two children of his own from a previous relationship when he was younger. They live with him and the eldest is only a few years younger than DD.

My partner (DD's stepfather), seems to think that I am being unreasonable by pressing the matter but I cannot stand to see her heart broken. The whole situation has led to sleepless night for me and my own stepchildren asked my OH about the situation as they had picked up that something was wrong between me and my DD. My OH's response was to say I was "just being a protective mum" but I was "being silly really".

I know that this will end in tears for my DD but my OH seems convinced I should let it play out. I've already expressed clear disapproval yet she seems happy to remain with this man. I'm at a complete loose end as I debate whether or not I should try and intervene.

Fairylea Tue 19-Apr-16 17:52:39

Intervene? She's 19. Regardless of whatever you think she's an adult and needs to make her own choices (and mistakes). You can say your piece but that's as far as it goes.

PPie10 Tue 19-Apr-16 17:55:14

It's a shame that she's chosen to be this type of person with poor and low morals.
You've made your feelings known to her and she still doesn't care. Leave her to it, he will dump her soon enough. I feel for the wife and kids.

ollieplimsoles Tue 19-Apr-16 17:55:21

Cant stand to see her have her heart broken? What about his wife?!

Your dp is right, let this play out, its the only way she will learn that conducting an affair with a married guy is a dick move...

Pinkheart5915 Tue 19-Apr-16 17:57:47

The thing is she is an adult at 19 and her choices are hers to make, yes she will make mistakes but they will be her mistakes and she'll learn from them.

At the end of the day she will do whatever she wants anyway

PortiaCastis Tue 19-Apr-16 17:58:12

What about this guy's wife and children. Does your dd want to break up a family?

louisesmum Tue 19-Apr-16 17:58:28

I absolutely do not condone her actions in anyway, my sympathies are with the wife and his children, I have been cheated on in the past myself so I know how that feels.

She's besotted with this man. I have told her that if he has cheated on his wife then there's no guarantee he will be faithful to her even if a relationship was to occur from this sorry mess.

Mishaps Tue 19-Apr-16 18:00:08

We all get our hearts broken somewhere along the line. You have told her of your concerns, which is fair enough - you are entitled to your opinion; but you also need to make sure that you do not alienate her as she may need your shoulder to cry on sometime soon.

We all want to protect our children from hurt, whatever their age, but we also have to give them the freedom to lead their own lives. I would not be happy about it, but in the end it is her life and she has to be free to make her own mistakes. If she was doing something criminal or actively harmful (e.g. pushing drugs) then it might be different.

PPie10 Tue 19-Apr-16 18:00:27

Instead of telling her he might not be faithful to his wife, how about telling her she's doing a disgusting thing to someone else. Does she not feel any shame doing this? Clearly not as she can't be bothered.

louisesmum Tue 19-Apr-16 18:01:06

PortiaCastis (sorry I'm unsure of whether there is a quote system and if there is, can't remember how to use it) it's her idea of young love I suppose. I have tried to tell her the reprecussions but she seems to think it's love rather than lust.

Even if it is, I don't think no matter how hard I try she realises that it isn't the basis of a solid relationship if it's arisen out of infidelity.

ollieplimsoles Tue 19-Apr-16 18:03:56

She will get caught out, you already mentioned in your op that someone saw them and she had to come clean to you.

Someone will tell his wife, then what will she do?

Crabbitface Tue 19-Apr-16 18:04:19

There is absolutely nothing that you can do to stop this from happening. If you love your daughter unconditionally you need to accept her decisions and support her through whatever happens next. Relationships like this often fail - maybe due to the extra-marital nature out sometimes due to the age difference. You've said your piece - leave it now or you might lose her.

WellErrr Tue 19-Apr-16 18:04:48

I wouldn't be having chats about the problems of any possible future with him - I'd be absolutely and outwardly disgusted with her at her immorality.

Yes she's an adult. But personally I wouldn't condone this by having her under my roof. She wants to be an adult and go fuck married men? She can go and stand on her own two feet then.

I'd be very clear that you will always be waiting for her, but that you cannot be complicit in her disgusting behaviour.

WorraLiberty Tue 19-Apr-16 18:06:45

I would find it very hard to even look at her tbh and I'd make damn sure she knew it too.

However, there's not much else you can do except be there for her when it all goes pear shaped.

Maryz Tue 19-Apr-16 18:09:40

I have a 19 year old, and yes at that age they are adults but they don't have the life experience that we (as old gimmers) have, and they are very vulnerable. So to glibly say "she'as an adult, stay out" may be the right advice, but is almost impossible to follow.

Ultimately, YANBU to be upset, but YABU to think there is anything you can do to stop it. So you have to decide either to fight with her (which won't stop her seeing him, but will affect your relationship with her), or to just accept it (and seethe inside).

I don't envy you sad. She is going to be hurt, as because they are our children still it's very hard to stand back and let it happen.

Maryz Tue 19-Apr-16 18:12:03

"Personally I wouldn't condone this by having her under my roof." - ffs, how ridiculous hmm

So the op should chuck her 19 year old out because she doesn't like her morals? Thus driving her further into the arms of a totally unsuitable older man.

I've heard it all now.

HelenaDove Tue 19-Apr-16 18:13:24

Hmm If this were a 19 year old lad seeing an older married woman it would be full of posts saying how he was being exploited.

BeatrixBurgund Tue 19-Apr-16 18:14:35

Oh, can we not call a 19 yr old a slut (which is what you are doing by questioning her morals). She may be misguided, naive and irresponsible but the person who needs a good kick up the arse is the man who is taking advantage of a young girl.

I understand some may be speaking from a place of being on the other side of this situation, but the man is to blame for this. Not the girl.

I'm sorry to say that I don't think there is much you can do except keep communication between you and your daughter open and be there to pick up the pieces.

PPie10 Tue 19-Apr-16 18:16:36

Oh please don't paint her as some poor , innocent, naive lost woman who's being taken advantage of by the big bad man. She knows full well what she's doing and doesn't really care.

WellErrr Tue 19-Apr-16 18:17:49

Oh, can we not call a 19 yr old a slut (which is what you are doing by questioning her morals).

No it's not. Saying 'she's a slut' is calling her a slut.
Saying her behaviour is immoral is saying her behaviour is immoral. Which it is. As is his.

And no, maryz, I couldn't look at a child of mine if they were doing this, never mind live with them. They could shift for themselves a bit if they fancied being so grown up, after it being made clear that the family would all be there for them once they stopped being a twat.

Osolea Tue 19-Apr-16 18:20:05

Your DP is right, you have to let it run it's course.

Yes your dd is likely to end up hurt and that will be hard for both you and her, but she has to be allowed to make her own mistakes. You'll only drive your entire family a bit crazy if you try and control her, and it won't work anyway.

Goingtobeawesome Tue 19-Apr-16 18:20:06

This tells me that no matter how well you bring up your children to have good morals and decency, they will go their own way and make their own decisions. And it is that, not making their own mistakes. Not everyone makes mistakes when it comes to affairs of the heart. It's choices. She's making a bad one right now.

You can tell her you love her without saying you'll support her in helping to destroy other human beings life's.

BarbarianMum Tue 19-Apr-16 18:20:50

I think they are both to blame, though him more so.

OP I don't think there is any more you could or should do, don't alienate her over this, it will only make her more vulnerable.

A friend of mine had a 6 month long affair with a married man when she was in her early 20s. She was just very naive and yes, did get her heart broken - but she recovered and grew up and has been a perfectly moral and sensible member of society ever since. It taught her a lot (esp not to believe all the "it's a marriage in name only" guff).

jip123 Tue 19-Apr-16 18:22:20

Wow. You could almost be the mother of my DH OW. I am on phone so can't link but I have a thread called 'fuck, it's over, help me please'. I found out about a week ago my DH is fucking a 19 year old. I am devastated.

I don't have any advice, you can't stop her. You could let her know how much she is ruining a family's life though.

Maryz Tue 19-Apr-16 18:23:25

We can actually question her morals without calling her a slut hmm. But to say "she knows full well what she's doing" isn't right either. She is (as many teenagers are) convinced this is true love - and I bet he is filling her up with all sorts of "my wife doesn't understand me" shite.

Added to which - he's the one who is married. He is the one responsible for his wife and children. Let's not excuse him by saying she's an evil temptress hmm

Do you have a 19 year old WellErr? Because the problem with older teenagers is that they have the ability (and the freedom) to make really bad choices. And if you (as an adult) feel that it's ok to condemn a teenager for those bad choices I really hope your children are perfect in every way.

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