Adult/working children living at home

[Cutecat78]

I think this has been done to death but I need a vent.

My 18 yr old son works full time and pays house keeping, he has two younger siblings and they are all expected to empty/load the dishwasher, fold and put away any clean laundry and I will let their rooms get to a certain point before I will ask them to clean them.

DS1 has the attic room which we have recently put a brand new en suite into.

When we have guests to stay they stay up there because of the en suite and it has a double futon. It's the nicest bedroom in the house (of the three kids rooms) and the pay off for that is it occasionally being used for guests.

Since DS1 has started his lastest job after a period of doing fuck all unemployment he seems to think he doesn't need to do anything around the house. He does work late in a bar and its FT (I also work FT) but he refuses to get up in the morning 15 minutes earlier than needed to empty the dishwasher etc. He will cook and not clean up after himself (I usually save him some dinner but he'll fry eggs/bacon in the day) leaves dirty crockery all over his room and his room is disgusting with litter, and dirty clothes stewn over it and the en suite (which needed doing but also with a view to having students in the future when he leaves which he says he wants to do) is getting trashed.

We have just had a row and he's sworn at me and said the reason he stays out all the time is so he doesn't have to come home and "do housework".

We have friends coming to stay in a few weeks and while I don't mind doing a tidy up and clean I do not expect to have to deep clean his room and chisel ten tonne of shit off a brand new toilet .

What do I do - charge him extra for cleaning as asking him and then it turning into a row is just getting me down - and spoiling my relationship with him. He seems to feel as he is 18 he no longer has to respect the house rules.

What do others expect from working children?

[StillMedusa]

I have two still at home (19 and 23 ..although the 23 yr old is currently travelling in Australia)
I expect...some rent. Not a lot because it's more of a 'this is what adults have to do' than necessary income... £30 a week .
I do the laundry simply because it is just as easy for me to take it all down in one go and sort it...then when clean and dry it is put on their beds for them to put away (or not)
DS2 has autism but even he puts his clothes away and empties the dishwasher every day. He doesn't cook (not able to yet) but DS1 does..and I expect him to clear up after himself, although it must be said I usually have to nag for dishes that have somehow gone up to his room to come down again..and every so often I tell him to clean out his room...and he does. Until he travelled he was working long 12+ hour shifts in a support job so I didn't ask a lot... just the basic courtesy of not leaving the house a tip. I didn't cook for him except Sunday dinner if he was likely to be not working as he usually ate with his service users.

However.. he is also kind, loving and respectful towards me (and I am missing him horribly) so I have never felt resentful at doing things for me... if he had been rude to me all service would stop!

Is he paying any rent? Contributing to the water he uses/internet/heating etc? If not I'd start charging something pretty sharpish and if he strops...tell him it's that or he goes and rents somewhere... DS1 has friends who flat share and they offered him a place.. he said no thanks, he was very grateful to still be here!

It's perfectly reasonable to reach a compromise that suits YOU... but it's not on for him to have it all his way!

[operaha]

Urgh watching. Dd 18 at home, hardly ever manages housekeeping. Will wash her own pots at a push, forgets to walk dog on day off, shouts how its unfair she has to pay rent as she sometimes stays at her boyfriend's house, eats everything drama drama drama.

I'll just send

[Cutecat78]

He does pay rent. 1/3 of his wages as he left college at 17 (and effectively has no qualifications other than Maths and English GCSE) and I said he would have to pay his way.

I find the constant asking him which turns into a row exhausting and feel he needs to grow up and take responsibility for himself - I work full time too but cook for everyone, clean the rest of the house etc

[Cutecat78]

I know I will miss him when he moves out but part of me is ready to see how much.....

[MaureenMLove]

I once served Dd, 18 at the time, her roast dinner on a paper plate. I told her there were only 2 clean plates because she hadn't done the dishwasher and since it was her job, me and dad got the proper plates!

I think you're going to have to have a sit down chat with him, when he's in a 'good' mood. No point in arguing about it, because that just won't get the jobs done. You're not asking him to clean the toilet with his toothbrush, just be part of the household, like everyone else.

I don't chuck DD out of her room anymore for guests. I figure she pays her way and she is an adult, so why should she. But I do get that it was a trade off for the best room in the house. If he agreed, then so be it.

[MaureenMLove]

Meant to add, that she's done her own washing since she was in yr 11. I always washed her school uniform, because I didn't want her school appearance reflecting badly on me, but everything else is up to her!

And I expect the house to be tidy, when I get in from work. She works late shifts, so 11am to 11pm. I'm not asking her to scrub the kitchen floor daily, but a level of respect for everyone.

[NewLife4Me]

I have one of 21 who is like this, he has Aspergers.
No excuse for the mess though, so we tell him he's on borrowed time
When he next says about staying out because of housework, tell him he's welcome to get a flat and do it all himself/ live in squalor.
I know this isn't you OP, but so many parents let their dc rule the nest when they should be moving out and then moan they are still there at 30

Making them abide by your rules and not letting them get too cosy, helps them to move out quicker.
Movement to the smallest/box room usually does this, ime.

[x2boys]

I don't have teenage children but when I moved back to.my mum and dads for a bit after o qualified as a nurse ( some 20 yrs ago) i paid some rent paid towards the phone ( mobiles were not Widely used at the time ) if my parents were cooking they would leave me something usually did my own laundry and cleared up after myself.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

I moved back home after university and worked full-time for a couple of years before I moved in with DP.

I did all my own laundry, stripped my bed and kept my room/bathroom clean. My mum always asked if I wanted dinner, but if not I cooked and cleaned up after myself. I paid a nominal sum in rent although my mum kept this and eventually used it to buy me my first car.

I didn't really help with general household chores but I have no siblings and my dad was retired and did the majority while mum worked full-time. I occasionally cooked for everyone, though, and would go and help with things like food shopping or cleaning the car if I was asked.

[Slowtrain2dawn]

I have an 18 and a 21 yr old. The 21 yr old pays no rent as he was juggling a degree and work so we advised him to stop the work and concentrate on his studies till June. He will then pay a minimum rent for a year then he goes to finish the degree in another city so will be staying in the box room in holidays as I can't have a huge empty bedroom, my youngest ( 11) will need it. The 18 yr old works but stays at her boyfriends half the week so I am in a real dilemma, I don't want to push her to move out for reasons I won't go into, so she pays no rent. However they both help around the house and will tidy up, walk dog, babysit whenever we need it. There are a few words but generally they respect the home. This may be because we also have a lodger ( would you believe we live in a modest Victorian terrace!!) and so there is kind of a "shared house" feel, we wouldn't expect him to leave a mess in the kitchen and he does pay rent! DH and I both work full time btw.

[BoopTheSnoot]

I moved back in with my parents for a couple of years after uni and I worked FT. My mum refused to take any money off me, so I did all the cooking, laundry, most of the cleaning, ran errands, gave DParents lifts to various places whenever I could, treat us to takeaways etc. Small price to pay, it allowed me to save up a deposit for a place of my own. I do think that for adult DCs to live with their parents successfully, they must contribute to the household in one way or another.

[harshbuttrue1980]

He's now a working (and paying!) adult, and I think things need to change to reflect this. Its fair to insist that he tidies up the communal areas, as he's have to do this in any house share he goes into. However, you said that you tell him to tidy his room. I''d back off from this, and say his room = his choice. I also don't think its fair that he has to leave his room for guests coming now that he's paying. Its give and take both ways and, for all his faults, he's working and contributing which is more than some young people do.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

And yes, if he's paying rent, it's not right that he has to give up his room for guests.

[shouldwestayorshouldwego]

I would take the view that if he isn't prepared to put in the extra effort with a bigger room and an ensuite to clean then someone else will get the room. Maybe give him a week/ two weeks to get it spotless otherwise it goes to the next sibling down. Might make a flat of his own more attractive.

[BombadierFritz]

Perhaps pay a cleaner out of his wage but he'll have to pay a fairly high rate if its a tip. Or just move him out of that room n put onr of the other kids in it - after a warning perhaps
teens are hard work. I was pretty pathetic about doing chores

[NeedACleverNN]

And yes, if he's paying rent, it's not right that he has to give up his room

This!

Make him pay 1/4 and you will clean up etc. On the basis that he gets HIS room that he is paying for

[Woodhill]

I got really fed up when dd returned from university over Easter. She made a mess and went back without clearing up. I was ill. She spent ball her time rushing here and there.

Relieved when she left as l couldn't be bothered to argue and she has effectively left home.

[InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream]

He isn't paying rent, he's paying housekeeping towards all the household expenses. He isn't a lodger. He should be helping. Why should his mum have to skivvy for him just because he contributes financially?

[Cutecat78]

Where to people suggest we put (occasional) guests? We have no other room with a double bed in the entire house. His futon doubles up as a little lounge area in his room where he has his TV x- box etc.

This is an agreement we have. He has the en suite he gives up his room

He doesn't however have to take a turn in giving up his room for his step siblings when they stay anymore.

[NeedACleverNN]

Guests should either sleep in the living room or book a hotel

[Cutecat78]

Guests btw includes his grandparents!

[Cutecat78]

I would never expect family or guests to stay in the lounge!

[NotMeNotYouNotAnyone]

Part of being an adult is doing crap that you don't want to do. Work, pay bills, clean etc
Being an adult does not mean doing whatever the hell you want. He needs to realise this sharpish!

If giving up his room for guests was a condition of having the best room then fair enough. If he doesn't like it can he swap with one of his siblings or you?

BARE MINIMUM should be cleaning up after yourself in communal areas and keeping your own space from being a health hazard.

[NeedACleverNN]

I would never expect family or guests to stay in the lounge!

Then you shouldn't offer if you do not have a spare room.

Flip it this way. What if your room was the only one with the en suite?

Would you be happy to be told you have give it up for every guest?

It's different if he offers.

[RB68]

Sorry but I would be serving notice, its not acceptable to live like that in a shared house and if you have agreed to move out for guests for the best room thats the agreement. Even as a lodger or renter there is a required level of cleanliness and inspections regularly. 1/3 of bar tenders wages is no where near market rent for a nice double room with ensuite in most parts of the country so maybe up to market rates plus cleaning fee as they can't be arsed, don't include food and use of household dishes - present them with an empty cupboard and paper plates and plastic cutlery as they can't be bothered to clean them.