To cancel my wedding because of my future in laws?

[MidnightAura]

This is my first AIBU so please be gentle!

My fiancé and are I due to be married this summer. Venue is paid for and everything is booked. My partners family have thrown a few spanner in the works already. My future brother in law, let's call him Adam was upset he didn't get to pick his own best man suit and called up my DP saying it was a waste of his time going for a fitting as he "didn't have any say in the clothes" We found out through Adam that future father in law was unhappy because he wasn't wearing the same suit as his sons and in his words "he would look a spare prick at the top table" but we resolved that only because the man at the suit hire said that the father of the groom should not be identical as he didn't want them all to look as if they were in a marching band and most importantly the groom should stand out. My future mother in law won't tell anyone what colour she is wearing. I had to ask because my mum is getting a corsage and the florist said it should match the colour of her outfit. But my Dps mum won't tell me the colour. But she is miffed that then she may not have a corsage that matches. I don't know why she won't tell us, she says it's a surprise for the day of the wedding. I only mention this to avoid drip feeding!

So that was a few weeks ago. The maximum numbers we have for the wedding is eighty but our numbers are nowhere near that high. We only have 20 people we want there in total. We don't want a big wedding. We have sent out save the date cards. We had to contact father in law to be about getting addresses for some of the family on my DPs side. Dps dad asked for a copy of the guest list, without thinking I gave him it, we got the addresses, save the dates went out. Last night DPs Dad texts him and says he has booked hotel rooms for his cousin (so my DPs second cousin) and father in laws best man. Not my DPs best man, his dad's best man from his wedding 40 years ago who to our knowledge he doesn't see much of.

I realised right away that they weren't invited, checked the list and DP called and spoke to his Dad. We haven't invited these people. We have never met father in laws best man and in the eight years DP and I have been together, he's seen his dad's cousin twice. Both at funerals. There is no contact in between.

DPs dad started to get very upset on the phone, saying the hotel was booked already. DP hates confrontation and hates upsetting people but to give him his due he told his Dad that we hadn't invited these people, two of them we have never met and the other we see rarely. Our decision not to invite his fathers cousin is simply we don't want a big wedding with all the extended family there. None of my aunts and uncles will coming and certainly none of my parents cousins are coming. We want a small wedding.

So father in law to be puts DPs mum on the phone, the whole conversation is then repeated. She says his dad is devastated not to have the whole family there, they just assumed his dad's cousin would get an invite automatically as a second cousin is "immediate family" So even though none of these people had a save the date, DPs parents took it upon themselves to invite them and book them all hotel rooms. His Mum said we would have to do something about it and we then have to call them back. I don't feel we should have to fix this ? We haven't invited any of these people and it's not our fault they booked hotels without asking us if they could come?

So anyhow DPs mum starts to get upset and then she puts Dps brother on. Again we have to go through the whole thing again, dos brother lays on the guilt saying his parents are in tears, we should invite the whole family as they are never altogether and it isn't fair. He also said that Dps Dad will not come to the wedding if father in laws cousin can't be there. He also said we could add on these people as extras and they will pay. They are quite annoyed we have said no and have said its a matter of principal, it's our wedding day we decide who gets an invite, it's not for DP's family to turn it into a big family affair without asking and it's not what we want.

DPs brother *Adam messaged me this morning saying that four guests from their side won't be coming can we please Invite father in laws best man and his cousin? They just want to have the family there as the all the family only meet for sad times and they just want a happy family event. Why can't they just accept no means no?

It upsets DP and I that they are trying to turn our wedding day into a big family affair. I guess we are also a bit baffled because we hardly see DPs family. We seen them twice last year. They stay a 45 minute car journey away and they all drive but they just aren't interested in DP. We invite them round, we get told no. When we moved house and needed help with the move and for some things after, we asked for help and got told no.
Dps parents are retired and very wealthy. If they want big family get togethers they could have one any time, but they don't see much of the extended family either. It just feels like they want to use our wedding to have a big reunion (which is fine if that's what we wanted) and they seem intent in making it about them. It actually feels like they want to pretend at this wedding that we are all really close when the reality is completely different. We haven't seen DPs parents since Christmas!

So now I'm ready to throw the towel in. That how upset I feel about it. The day doesn't feel about us, it feels about DPs parents and their wishes. We would lose a lot of money to cancel and elope but I'm starting to think it will be worth it.

Adam is really pushing us (no doubt on his parents orders) to invite the best man and second cousin. We just don't want to and I fear that by giving in on this occasion there will be something else down the road I.e they aren't happy the relatives are only getting evening invites, Adam isn't happy his girlfriend of a month isn't on top table. I just don't want any more of this hassle. I just want to get married and Dp and I have those we want there to celebrate it with us. Is that unreasonable?

[Smellyrose]

YANBU. If DP is happy to cancel the wedding and elope even go for it.

[Smellyrose]

Then, not even.

[TheWitchwithNoName]

I'd tell them all to go fuck themselves and then elope, I'm not in the best of moods today though!

[northdownmummy]

So sorry you're having this drama. As long as you and DP are in agreement, hold firm. If you give in to emotional blackmail now just imagine what it could be like with grandchildren in the pucturw😅

[ArmfulOfRoses]

Agree with eloping, or telling them you've cancelled and doing it at the original venue without them.

[titchy]

Oh God yes elope. Maui? And tell them exactly why you've cancelled it. Cheeky feckers.

Is BIL married? If not tell them the bug family wedding they want will have to wait till he gets married. and hope he married a bridezilla

[TheABC]

Tell them to back off and you are getting to the point where you want to cancel. If they keep pushing, yes cancel and elope.

[Chippednailvarnish]

Yep, cancel it.

You might find by doing this they realise that they can't control you and it sets a far healthier tone for your relationship.

[CockacidalManiac]

What a fucking mad family.

[IAmNotAMindReader]

What does your fiance think if your plan?
Tbh in your situation I would cancel and have a quiet registry office affair a few days before your original planned date and turn the rest into a party on the day. That way you don't lose so much money. Ring your venues and see what's possible.

[Vilio]

Yes, do the eloping, of you want to be married. If you give in, its only going to get worse. They'll want a say in the menu, seating plans, music, photograph on the day, name of your first child, its goes on and on. You will become more and more resentful and bitter.
To nip this in the bud now, go away, the two of you, somewhere abroad, and just get married your way.
Dealing with the fallout will be a lot easier in the long run.

[GeminiRising]

As long as your DP agrees, go for it - cancel the wedding and elope.

Your wedding day should be how you both want it to be. You both share it with who you want to share it - it is about your commitment to each other. Don't let other people bully you into doing what they want.

[treaclesoda]

I'd cancel and elope. If you give in on this now, they will walk all over you for the rest of your married life.

[LadyCatEyes]

Yeah I'd cancel tbh. Weddings often (not always) bring out the worst in people. I have been with my husband 7 years and never met some of his family, yet when we got married there were Facebook blockings and snide Chinese whispers flying around because we didn't invite them. Bizarre. We had a lovely day anyway.
It sounds like your inlaws are far too involved in this, so I would say you're cancelling, you don't have to give a reason you don't "owe" anyone. Then bugger off and do it alone in the Seychelles or something.

[Branleuse]

elope

[feesh]

Definitely cancel it. My Mum put her own big fat stamp all over my wedding without telling me beforehand and it still smarts to this day. It's what I remember over and above all the nice stuff. I know everyone says it's just one day, but it's a day you think about a lot over and over again. It needs to be happy.

Go and do something special together, just the two of you.

Think of it as a way of sorting out your boundaries with them all now, before kids come along and muddy the waters.

[Itinerary]

Get your DP's mum to phone the florist herself and tell them the colour of her outfit.

[BeStrongAndCourageous]

If you give in to them now, you'll be subject to these tactics for the rest of your married life, because you'll have shown them they work.

Elope, and they'll realise pushing you around does them no good whatsoever and just ends up with them missing out.

I had to threaten my own mother (who's normally lovely but transformed into a complete Mother-of-the-Bridezilla) that we'd elope if she didn't wind her neck in, and it worked, once she realised I was serious.

[QueenofallIsee]

Fuck 'em and elope! Thankfully, once they don't have a big hoo haa to try and manipulate they will go back to ignoring you..clearly win win

[Fratelli]

They sound awful! Definitely cancel but make sure they know it's because of their behaviour. Get married and don't tell anyone until after. They can't control you like this and they need to know that.

[RhodaBull]

With hindsight, I would definitely have eloped. It wasn't about the money, it was the constant whining from various people and twenty years later (I kid you not) one aunt who I see twice a year never fails to mention that the church was cold and that there wasn't a menu at the reception.

You didn't want a big wedding anyway, so cut your losses, go to Gretna Green or wherever and have a nice tour of highlands and islands afterwards. If getting married in church is important to you, you can have a little ceremony with a handful of people.

[TheNaze73]

They all sound batshit. I do feel for you. Hold your ground and elope

[CotswoldStrife]

I'm going slightly against the flow here to say that it seems unfair for your side of the family to miss out because of your inlaws. Have you posted about this before because aspects of it sound familiar?

[ArmfulOfRoses]

Mil will either be wearing white to ensure she gets attention or some black outfit complete with black lace veil as she will be mourning the loss of her son that she usually can't be arsed with otherwise she'd just say, wouldn't she?