To ask for your experiences of being a sociable introvert who hates being lonely? I'm confusing myself.

[Flamingo1980]

Just that really. I'm increasingly getting more and more confused by my own life and looking for answers in your own experiences.
I scored 18/20 on an 'are you an introvert' test. I hate focus on myself from lots of people at the same time. Can't cope with loud and boisterous people. But more and more I just can't seem to cope with hardly any one at all.
As soon as I have a visitor or visitors I just can't wait for them to leave. And yet I also don't like being alone and I really crave human company?! I feel so, so lonely a lot of the time but it's all because I'm cancelling people coming over or meeting up with people. What's that about??! I get jealous when I hear my friends went out, but then on balance I wouldn't have wanted to go anyway. But I want to WANT to go, if you see what I mean.
When I'm around people I can be fun, funny and chatty. People actually think I'm extroverted as I act so confident and relaxed. But it's not really how I feel. I'm full of anxieties as to if they like me or if I'm being too weird or annoying etc..
Increasingly when people do visit, after they leave I have to literally lie down in a darkened room and recover for half an hour. Anyone else?! I never used to be like this.
I'm so so confused and conflicted all of the time it's driving me nuts. I'm unhappy alone and unhappy in human company.
I feel like I'm turning into a grumpy unsociable old woman and I'm only 35.
What's going on?? Please tell me your experiences of being a confused interovert and offer words of advice for me please...?!

[NinaGalbraith]

I am an introvert who finds social occasions and 'going out' completely exhausting so I avoid it, but I like socialising one on one or in a small group so just hang out or have dinner with close friends. I've got more comfortable and confident about my choices as i've got older. When I was younger and more lonely I did evening classes (arty things, languages etc) where I was with other people so did small talk but focused on the thing we were doing rather than the social element which took the pressure off.

[sunnydayinmay]

Have you thought about a club or activity which is sociable, but has a clear end. Thinking of something like a tennis group lesson - lots of interaction, but then you finish and go home to your own space?

[Griphook]

It's the whole 'I want yo have friends but don't want to socialise' I could have written your op and I'd chuckle at the wanting people to go as soon as they get there.
I'm trying to think of it as a job and then place an expectation on myself like I do at work

[Roseberrry]

Are you single? Do you think you might want someone to love rather than have endless visitors round or go out all the time?

I feel like that sometimes when I've spent a lot of time on my own, but then when I actually arrange something I get so anxious weeks in advance over it. Can't win!

[chanice]

I'm the same, so lonely but becoming increasingly intolerant of other peoples quirks. Especially people discussing my business or asking too many questions, I end up just cutting them out.
I live far from my family so I don't have a normal life, I rely totally on my husband for adult company.

[GlitteryShoes]

I'm just like you OP. I'm glad I'm not mad! I love arranging coffee and lunch and within a few mins I just want to go home ( however nice the people are!!). I try to stick to 1-1 coffee now and have an 'appointment' so it's time limited. I do a few classes too which I find good for meeting people and having a focus of conversation.

[Flamingo1980]

Thank you everyone, all great advice as usual. Yes I am single and I do love love but I'm quite fussy with my partners and break up with people quickly as I don't suffer fools and would rather be single than with someone I'm unhappy with..
I do agree about doing an activity with people. Definitely takes the pressure off! Great ideas there. Also good to know I'm not the only one..
It's silly as I've just bought a beautiful house and I envisaged having people round to entertain and have lovely dinners etc with and I've hardly done that at all as I can't bear the thought. Hmm.

[curren]

I was you. It is bloody confusing.

However I accepted that actually I didn't want to go out, have loads of visitors etc I just thought I should want that. I actually didn't.

It's difficult to explain. But I realised that deep down I didn't want to do these things. But because everyone else was doing them I should want to too. When I accepted that I just didn't want to and that was ok. It became easier.

Sorry if I haven't explained it well.

I have a few friends from a hobby, which helps a lot with the occasional pangs of feeling loneliness. I do have a dh and 2 kids. The kids are sociable, but me and dh are not. Which is difficult. We often have a house full of kids visiting. We just grin and bare it and breath easy when they have gone home.

[Mousefinkle]

Are you me?!? I could have written this myself. Complete introvert, find human interaction exhausting, also willing people to leave when they visit...

I prefer one to one interactions outside of my personal space. I've noticed that I'm happier meeting up with people away from my house. When people intrude on my space I get a bit stressed and narky. Much prefer one or two people rather than a group scenario also. And I keep it to once a week at the most which helps. I couldn't socialise every single day, I'd be worn out.

The big thing is to not feel bad about it. Don't feel bad for avoiding the phone or avoiding a social situation you don't want to attend. I don't really care if people think I'm a cunt now TBH. I'm happier because I'm not forcing myself to talk to people because it's the 'nice' thing to do. Just don't force it.

But yeah I have pangs of loneliness too. I fill it mostly by disappearing into my own fantasy world where I'm married to Aaron Paul . Seriously, I just find stuff to do to get out of my own head. Over thinking is a killer.

[bookishandblondish]

I'm similar but have found that as long as I balance it, I don't dread things. So my ideal was seeing people two evenings during the week and half and half at weekends ( e.g church + lunch Sunday, sat was more gym/ chores/crash. The rest, I prefer to be on my own. ( during a normal week at work - if loads of client meetings/ workshops - I never wanted to see anyone).

Less interaction, and I find I'm lonely: more, I feel swamped and desperate for space.

[Flamingo1980]

Wow it's so heartening to know there's so many other people out there like me! That in itself makes me feel better.
A balance is of course the way forward, it's finding that that I do struggle with. Must work harder at that clearly!

[blearynweary]

i am exactly the same. I have a dear h who when he's not driving me mad is a great friend to me.

I do torture myself sometimes thinking about what I would do when he dies as I really find it hard to make close friends.

I really enjoy taking my kids to sports things - I think its because the parents there have shared interest so conversation is easier. and also they end and you can leave when you want to.

I find dinner parties so hard as I often find people 'boring' not quite the right word but I find the conversation so stick y and difficult. Even as a party minded twenty something I used to go to the loo and spend ages in there hopefully reading a book for 10 minutes just to have a break.

But it makes me sad that I don't have friends too! Crazy really!