Advanced search

To ask for your experiences of being a sociable introvert who hates being lonely? I'm confusing myself.

(13 Posts)
Flamingo1980 Mon 18-Apr-16 20:28:53

Just that really. I'm increasingly getting more and more confused by my own life and looking for answers in your own experiences.
I scored 18/20 on an 'are you an introvert' test. I hate focus on myself from lots of people at the same time. Can't cope with loud and boisterous people. But more and more I just can't seem to cope with hardly any one at all.
As soon as I have a visitor or visitors I just can't wait for them to leave. And yet I also don't like being alone and I really crave human company?! I feel so, so lonely a lot of the time but it's all because I'm cancelling people coming over or meeting up with people. What's that about??! I get jealous when I hear my friends went out, but then on balance I wouldn't have wanted to go anyway. But I want to WANT to go, if you see what I mean.
When I'm around people I can be fun, funny and chatty. People actually think I'm extroverted as I act so confident and relaxed. But it's not really how I feel. I'm full of anxieties as to if they like me or if I'm being too weird or annoying etc..
Increasingly when people do visit, after they leave I have to literally lie down in a darkened room and recover for half an hour. Anyone else?! I never used to be like this.
I'm so so confused and conflicted all of the time it's driving me nuts. I'm unhappy alone and unhappy in human company.
I feel like I'm turning into a grumpy unsociable old woman and I'm only 35.
What's going on?? Please tell me your experiences of being a confused interovert and offer words of advice for me please...?!

NinaGalbraith Mon 18-Apr-16 20:39:28

I am an introvert who finds social occasions and 'going out' completely exhausting so I avoid it, but I like socialising one on one or in a small group so just hang out or have dinner with close friends. I've got more comfortable and confident about my choices as i've got older. When I was younger and more lonely I did evening classes (arty things, languages etc) where I was with other people so did small talk but focused on the thing we were doing rather than the social element which took the pressure off.

sunnydayinmay Mon 18-Apr-16 20:43:14

Have you thought about a club or activity which is sociable, but has a clear end. Thinking of something like a tennis group lesson - lots of interaction, but then you finish and go home to your own space?

Griphook Mon 18-Apr-16 20:44:08

It's the whole 'I want yo have friends but don't want to socialise' I could have written your op and I'd chuckle at the wanting people to go as soon as they get there.
I'm trying to think of it as a jobconfused and then place an expectation on myself like I do at work

Roseberrry Mon 18-Apr-16 20:46:51

Are you single? Do you think you might want someone to love rather than have endless visitors round or go out all the time?

I feel like that sometimes when I've spent a lot of time on my own, but then when I actually arrange something I get so anxious weeks in advance over it. Can't win!

chanice Mon 18-Apr-16 20:51:41

I'm the same, so lonely but becoming increasingly intolerant of other peoples quirks. Especially people discussing my business or asking too many questions, I end up just cutting them out.
I live far from my family so I don't have a normal life, I rely totally on my husband for adult company.

GlitteryShoes Mon 18-Apr-16 20:57:30

I'm just like you OP. I'm glad I'm not mad! I love arranging coffee and lunch and within a few mins I just want to go home ( however nice the people are!!). I try to stick to 1-1 coffee now and have an 'appointment' so it's time limited. I do a few classes too which I find good for meeting people and having a focus of conversation.

Flamingo1980 Tue 19-Apr-16 07:00:56

Thank you everyone, all great advice as usual. Yes I am single and I do love love but I'm quite fussy with my partners and break up with people quickly as I don't suffer fools and would rather be single than with someone I'm unhappy with..
I do agree about doing an activity with people. Definitely takes the pressure off! Great ideas there. Also good to know I'm not the only one..
It's silly as I've just bought a beautiful house and I envisaged having people round to entertain and have lovely dinners etc with and I've hardly done that at all as I can't bear the thought. Hmm.

curren Tue 19-Apr-16 07:07:12

I was you. It is bloody confusing.

However I accepted that actually I didn't want to go out, have loads of visitors etc I just thought I should want that. I actually didn't.

It's difficult to explain. But I realised that deep down I didn't want to do these things. But because everyone else was doing them I should want to too. When I accepted that I just didn't want to and that was ok. It became easier.

Sorry if I haven't explained it well.

I have a few friends from a hobby, which helps a lot with the occasional pangs of feeling loneliness. I do have a dh and 2 kids. The kids are sociable, but me and dh are not. Which is difficult. We often have a house full of kids visiting. We just grin and bare it and breath easy when they have gone home.

Mousefinkle Tue 19-Apr-16 07:26:16

Are you me?!? I could have written this myself. Complete introvert, find human interaction exhausting, also willing people to leave when they visit...

I prefer one to one interactions outside of my personal space. I've noticed that I'm happier meeting up with people away from my house. When people intrude on my space I get a bit stressed and narky. Much prefer one or two people rather than a group scenario also. And I keep it to once a week at the most which helps. I couldn't socialise every single day, I'd be worn out.

The big thing is to not feel bad about it. Don't feel bad for avoiding the phone or avoiding a social situation you don't want to attend. I don't really care if people think I'm a cunt now TBH. I'm happier because I'm not forcing myself to talk to people because it's the 'nice' thing to do. Just don't force it.

But yeah I have pangs of loneliness too. I fill it mostly by disappearing into my own fantasy world where I'm married to Aaron Paul wink. Seriously, I just find stuff to do to get out of my own head. Over thinking is a killer.

bookishandblondish Tue 19-Apr-16 07:32:42

I'm similar but have found that as long as I balance it, I don't dread things. So my ideal was seeing people two evenings during the week and half and half at weekends ( e.g church + lunch Sunday, sat was more gym/ chores/crash. The rest, I prefer to be on my own. ( during a normal week at work - if loads of client meetings/ workshops - I never wanted to see anyone).

Less interaction, and I find I'm lonely: more, I feel swamped and desperate for space.

Flamingo1980 Tue 19-Apr-16 12:41:34

Wow it's so heartening to know there's so many other people out there like me! That in itself makes me feel better.
A balance is of course the way forward, it's finding that that I do struggle with. Must work harder at that clearly!

blearynweary Tue 19-Apr-16 12:46:58

i am exactly the same. I have a dear h who when he's not driving me mad is a great friend to me.

I do torture myself sometimes thinking about what I would do when he dies as I really find it hard to make close friends.

I really enjoy taking my kids to sports things - I think its because the parents there have shared interest so conversation is easier. and also they end and you can leave when you want to.

I find dinner parties so hard as I often find people 'boring' not quite the right word but I find the conversation so stick y and difficult. Even as a party minded twenty something I used to go to the loo and spend ages in there hopefully reading a book for 10 minutes just to have a break.

But it makes me sad that I don't have friends too! Crazy really!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now