AIBU to ask dh to look after his kids one day a week?

(84 Posts)
caitlinohara Sun 17-Apr-16 21:24:58

Dh works full time and we have 3 dc's, the youngest of whom is 4. I have mostly been a SAHM but have also worked part time at times. Because of the nature of dh's job (involves travel and unpredictable hours) I can't go out to work. He has always acknowledged this and has always said he appreciates that he doesn't have to worry about who's going to pick up the kids, what happens when they are ill, etc etc.

In the last year I have been studying something which would mean ultimately that I could work from home. I use the 15 hours of nursery care to study, and we agreed that I could have Sunday daytimes as well, i.e. dh would look after the kids while I worked.

The problem is that week in week out these Sundays are a nightmare. Dh gets in a huff right from breakfast on Sunday morning and complains about every little thing, so that by the time I go up to start work everyone is already in a bad mood. I am trying to work and I can hear arguing and crying and all sorts. He complains if there isn't enough food in for lunch (shop is round the corner) and behaves generally as if the whole thing is just a drag. Final straw came today when he burst in, having taken them to the park and ds2 had lost a rucksack with dh's phone and wallet in. He was almost incoherent with panic and dumped the kids and rushed out again to look for it. I then had to deal with two hysterically crying children, ds2 weeping and saying "it's all my fault" and ds3 was crying because he had been scared by dh's handling of it. sad It was awful.

What do I do? I can't face another Sunday like this and it's not fair on the children. It's not that he won't look after them, it's just that when he does, it ends up like this.

SchnooSchnoo Sun 17-Apr-16 21:29:12

YANBU. Go out and study in the library or a cafe? He might actually be ok if you were not there for him to make a performance to!

StillStayingClassySanDiego Sun 17-Apr-16 21:30:10

It's not that he won't look after them, it's just that when he does, it ends up like this.

He doesn't want the bother of caring for them , he's hoping you'll step in when he pulls a face or the kids get upset.

cuntycowfacemonkey Sun 17-Apr-16 21:33:19

He's doing it entirely on purpose to make you feel bad. He doesn't want to do it so he's damn well going to make sure everyone suffers.

CocktailQueen Sun 17-Apr-16 21:33:52

What a complete twat.

He obviously needs more practice in looking after his dc alone. Why did thrbdc have a backpack with dh's valuable stuff unit? Get do to look after his own shit.

Spell out how you've been supporting him and say how this makes you feel.

Good luck...

cuntycowfacemonkey Sun 17-Apr-16 21:34:31

Oh and he's nearly won because it's so unbearable you're already thinking if not using Sunday's to study right?

CocktailQueen Sun 17-Apr-16 21:34:31

The dc

In it

Dh

mysteryknickers Sun 17-Apr-16 21:35:35

Is this a reasonably new arrangement? Stick with it. Otherwise he is being a hands off parent. And that's not good for any of you.

I know this is not the point of the thread but did he get his wallet and phone back?!

ifiseeonemoresock Sun 17-Apr-16 21:36:32

Your dh sounds incompetent . He should be able to care for his own children don't let him ruin your studying . Insist he learns to handle things better!

Aspergallus Sun 17-Apr-16 21:37:10

Strategic incompetence.

DoreenLethal Sun 17-Apr-16 21:37:44

Yes it does end up like that. And you are now thinking of stopping your work and having the kids. Win-win for him, eh?

Costacoffeeplease Sun 17-Apr-16 21:38:53

Yep, he's doing the 'be crap and you won't have to do it' thing

Twat

BarbarianMum Sun 17-Apr-16 21:41:19

Stop studying at home but don't stop studying. Your youngest will be in school soon and you will be able to work, at least part time.

caitlinohara Sun 17-Apr-16 21:42:07

mystery not an entirely new arrangement, but hasn't really happened reliably because we've had other stuff on - moved house, went away to visit FIL, other stuff as well, so the last 3 Sundays have been the first for a while. Yes he did get it back, thanks, many hours later. Ds2 apologised again and I said "Daddy is very sorry too, he didn't mean to upset you" whilst giving dh evils, but he didn't take the hint and hasn't apologised to ds2, so he has gone to bed feeling shit now because nothing I say will help.

I should go and talk to dh but I don't trust myself, I am livid.

mysteryknickers Sun 17-Apr-16 21:47:04

This is probably a conversation best had tomorrow and he probably doesn't need reminding he has handled this badly. Can he take some practical hints or will he take offence?

cestlavielife Sun 17-Apr-16 21:47:43

He clearly needs more practice.
Go study in Costa and leave him to it,

Akire Sun 17-Apr-16 21:48:48

Don't give in! They are not babies- if your youngest is 4 surely he can make them all a sandwich for lunch time it's hardly rocket science. No need to be cooking lots of different baby meals or anything complex.

On Saturdays does he sort of sit with paper and let you do everything?

HelsBels3000 Sun 17-Apr-16 21:55:10

This is hilarious! So lets say for example - you were not home, would he have just done what any normal rational person would do, and started to look for the missing rucksack? Instead of being a big drama llama and rushing home to dump them on you so he could leave again? What bizarre behaviour.

AugustaFinkNottle Sun 17-Apr-16 21:55:51

It so clearly is deliberate helplessness. I suspect that if he hadn't had you to dump the kids on today, he'd have taken better care of his belongings. I agree with those who suggest getting out of the house on Sundays: I suspect when he hasn't got an audience to play to he'll just get on with it without all the drama and huffing.

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff Sun 17-Apr-16 21:59:39

Yep you need to leave the house to study. Don't give in

HolgerDanske Sun 17-Apr-16 22:00:45

What an idiot. I hate this kind of thing. He needs to sort himself out. And he can carry his own bloody rucksack with his own phone and wallet.

Honestly, you are right to be livid, and no, he absolutely should not be let off the hook on this. If he's so crap at looking after his own children he needs more practise, not less!

Poor children though. Tell him to stop being such a twat and being a childish, spoilt drama llama.

PrincessPeachy29 Sun 17-Apr-16 22:01:17

I agree he's being deliberately rubbish hoping you'll say it isn't working out and just let him off the hook. What a shame when as a father he can't relish this time with his children! Don't shift on this. My tactic would be to feign obliviousness to his "struggles". Put headphones on when studying so all of his clashing and banging around in other rooms will be in vain. Take care of the kids when he brings them back in a blind panic but as soon as he's back hand them over again and get back to studying. His behaviour will get worse before it gets better as he will up the ante when he sees his plan isn't getting the result he's going for.

If he says anything remind him this was a mutual arrangement and you need the time and don't bend on this. Don't make it half a day etc. You are both parents and he can bloody well do his bit for the family. You've supported him through his career and if he sees you as anything other than nanny and maid (ie his equal) then he'll do what he agreed to do. Twat!

Muskateersmummy Sun 17-Apr-16 22:02:57

I agree. Head out somewhere else to study. I know full well if I was at home it would default back to me doing everything whilst trying to work. So I would take myself to a costa (free wifi) and do my studying over a coffee and cake !

caitlinohara Sun 17-Apr-16 22:03:36

Hels He dragged them all round every shop on the parade to see if it had been handed in - that was partly why ds3 was so upset, because dh was running and he couldn't keep up. He went out again because he did that "find my iPhone" thing, which (somewhat hilariously) appears to have lied to him and sent him on a 25 mile wild goose chase grin

Mystery I hope so. I have pointed out to him before that I could do without the guilt trip every week but it looks like I am going to have to do it again.

IrregularCommentary Sun 17-Apr-16 22:07:44

They're his kids as much as yours OP, you're being far from unreasonable. Frankly he should be looking forward to Sunday as his quality time with them.

Totally agree with pp on the strategic incompetence thing. So it's harder work than not taking any responsibility, suck it up.

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