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To think divorce absolutely does affect children

(310 Posts)
springtimevintagedream Sun 17-Apr-16 19:24:25

I realise it's sometimes the only option, but AIBU to think there's too much of a casual attitude towards the impact it has on children, possibly because it's so common?

I'm not talking about abusive relationships where it's definitely better for the abused not to stay. But in some cases do you think it can be quite selfish?

Aware it's a contentious issue.

peppatax Sun 17-Apr-16 19:27:00

As with any situation, it's the way it's handled that affects children rather than the actual process. This is the same for any kind of parenting decision and therefore YABU as your post insinuates that there would only be a negative impact.

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 17-Apr-16 19:27:38

I disagree. I think most people are quite unhappy when they consider divorce. Children need to see loving relationships, not cold, civil, miserable ones. Even when there's no abuse. And if someone leaves their partner just because someone said, "LTB" they aren't fit to have children.

corythatwas Sun 17-Apr-16 19:28:06

It is always a balance: divorce affects children but so does living with constant arguing or knowing that daddy is cheating on mummy and you mustn't tell. Ideally, people would try to find the solution that does least harm to everybody. Ime what often happens, though, is that the female partner feels she is solely responsible with trying to keep the man happy and the marriage intact for the sake of the children.

EatShitDerek Sun 17-Apr-16 19:28:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleDaisies Sun 17-Apr-16 19:29:11

I realise it's sometimes the only option, but AIBU to think there's too much of a casual attitude towards the impact it has on children, possibly because it's so common?

You seriously think that people don't consider that divorce will affect their children? No one does it lightly.

Buckinbronco Sun 17-Apr-16 19:29:47

I don't think it's that big of a deal. Whilst id hate to split up my family I also couldn't let my children grow up In a angry/resentful household.

I think setting an example that you must stay in a relationship no matter what is a very poor message to send to your children

AdrenalineFudge Sun 17-Apr-16 19:29:49

I don't agree. Divorce can be 100% better for children in cases where they now get to experience calmer, happier parents rather than couples who stay together and create a toxic family living environment in which the children would most certainly suffer.

Owllady Sun 17-Apr-16 19:30:29

I don't really think it's common at all really
I'd like to live in a country where divorce isn't still seen as a stigma.
My mum raised us in the 80s and 90s as a divorced single parent (to an utterly despicable abusive ex husband) and she is STILL stigmatized by it
People are disgusting.
We'd have been less damaged if my mother hadn't been conditioned to take the abusive and had git rid of him sooner

chickenowner Sun 17-Apr-16 19:30:30

My parents divorced when I was 21. I wish they'd divorced 15 years earlier. Growing up listening to 2 people shouting at each other is not nice. I was in my late teens when I suddenly realized that married people are supposed to like each other! I thought that marriages like my parents and those portrayed on TV such as in Fawlty Towers, were normal!!!

TooOldForGlitter Sun 17-Apr-16 19:31:45

It certainly isn't selfish no. People who are parents are people in their own right and nobody should put up with a miserable life for the "sake of the children". For one, the children pick up on the unhappiness, the tension, seeing their parent miserable and go on to model this in their own relationships. How the hell can that be beneficial?

MillionToOneChances Sun 17-Apr-16 19:32:59

The two people I know with the most fucked up attitude to relationships grew up with parents who stayed together 'for the sake of the children'. It was definitely not in their best interests.

Donge13 Sun 17-Apr-16 19:34:16

My parents divorce was hell on earth. They were both only bothered about themselves . I am 1 of 6 children. Not one of us have ever married .

springtimevintagedream Sun 17-Apr-16 19:34:17

But people aren't always unhappy but bored, or just feel it's not quite right. A really unhappy relationship with constant arguing is one thing, a friendly relationship that's just not that exciting is another.

tangerino Sun 17-Apr-16 19:34:39

I don't know anyone who has a casual attitude to divorce. Where people are deeply unhappy or one partner's behaviour is unacceptable, it can be the best thing for everyone, of course, but even in those circs I can't imagine anyone being casual about it.

peppatax Sun 17-Apr-16 19:34:43

I'll also add that I think the decision is even harder if there's no abuse but just knowing that you do have irreconcilable differences which you don't want to live with anymore. This is what people can be very judgemental about. There will always be sadness at the loss of 'what might have been'.

VestalVirgin Sun 17-Apr-16 19:35:18

Every person has the right to end a sexual relationship whenever they want to.

Not doing so would set a bad example to the children.

peppatax Sun 17-Apr-16 19:37:01

OP - there's nothing wrong with wanting a more exciting relationship/life, you only get one chance. In my situation, I raised my concerns repeatedly with EXH but he just didn't see it as an issue and it was therefore his attitude towards me and our relationship that led me to realise it wasn't enough.

Catmuffin Sun 17-Apr-16 19:37:29

I do feel quite resentful that my dad stayed with my mum when I would have been so much happier living a calm life with him rather than having to put up with her mood swings, aggression, violence and nastiness, but that probably comes under the abusive relationships exception that you made.

GreaseIsNotTheWord Sun 17-Apr-16 19:38:04

As with any situation, it's the way it's handled that affects children rather than the actual process

I disagree completely. Even the most painless, amicable and friendly divorce would have some impact and affect a child in some way. It's silly to say otherwise.

ghostyslovesheep Sun 17-Apr-16 19:38:08

yes it affects children - it affects everyone involved - which is why if there was a viable alternative most people would take it hmm

I don't know anyone who divorced on a whim

fastdaytears Sun 17-Apr-16 19:38:19

I don't know anyone who is casual about divorce.

The people who I know whose parents stayed together despite rows/coldness/tension had a much, much worse time of it than we did as kids of divorced parents. Even now they feel like their parents lied to them and have trust issues. It's really sad.

sofato5miles Sun 17-Apr-16 19:38:45

I wonder about this OP, especially when people are advised to leave a relationship that isn't entirely fulfilling them and then I read the step parents board.

Vaara Sun 17-Apr-16 19:39:30

Of course it it affects them. I don't see how anyone can argue against this.

However, whether it adversely affects them to the point where you'd be better off staying? I don't think so.

corythatwas Sun 17-Apr-16 19:39:39

How many people do actually get divorced because they have a friendly relationship that's just not that exciting? The divorced people I have known were very unhappy, some to the point where it was visibly affecting their health.

And agree with MillionToOne that the people I know whose parents stuck it at all costs and swept it under the carpet have struggled to establish relationships of their own (particularly in cases where one parent cheated).

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