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So mad im shaking!

(21 Posts)
Beth2511 Sun 17-Apr-16 19:13:30

If anything i need a rant without saying something i regret to my mother.

My whole childhood she was a huge alcoholic, when she found out i was pregnant she went on a rehab programme involving the drugs to get her sober. Relapsed 6 months later. Went through it again and had been having suspicions for past few weeks she had relapsed again, found all the evidence earlier.

She was told by me and social services made it quite xlear that last time was last chance saloon. She had also got sober when i was 12 after coming fucking close to dying from it.

Shes blown it, im heart broken, let down and hurting for my 17 month old who despite it all loves her grandma but i have to keep her safe. Especially when i found the proof once dd walked out the spare bedroom clutching a half drunk bottle and right on the verge of having unscrewed the lid.

I know i can never trust her again, i know i can not let her near my dd and im just so so so angry shes let me down for yet another time after being conpletely sober.

Sorry just needed to vent as crying my eyes out. Had finally trusted her again about 6 weeks ago to start having my dd 1.5 days s week whilst i work, was a bloody idiot.

Beth2511 Sun 17-Apr-16 19:14:09

Im also 14 weeks pregnant which may be adding to my emotions!

MrsBobDylan Sun 17-Apr-16 19:18:39

Am so sorry for the pain she's putting you

MizK Sun 17-Apr-16 19:21:02

You're not an idiot. You just wanted to believe she had changed.

Looking after your DD is not an option for her. Don't put that pressure on her sobriety. I know that as your mum that is something you should implicitly trust her with and I'm so sorry she let you down.

She can't help it. Your expectations and hopes have to be set to zero with a chronic alcoholic because it is their illness and absolutely nothing you say or do can make them get better. Perhaps the fact she put your DD in danger will be the final straw and she will want help. Maybe not.

I know exactly what you're feeling I promise you and it's fucking horrible. Best of luck.

RaspberryOverload Sun 17-Apr-16 19:27:57

Beth I'm so sorry, rant away thanks

I think you're going to grieve for the mother you wish she could have been. You're right that you can't trust her around your DD but it's not you, not your fault.

ShowOfHands Sun 17-Apr-16 19:37:32

Oh my love.

I've been there and I know you know that it's not that you or her beautiful grandchild aren't enough. It's not that she can't stop for you or doesn't want to. Alcoholism is a suffocating beast which doesn't care for any of that. It hurts though. Feeling that the bottle holds a higher place than you.

Our low point was when after a year of sobriety my dad met me at the top of the aisle to give me away and I smelled the fumes. It broke me. My wedding day. Why do that to ME on MY wedding day. Of course he didn't do any such thing. He stumbled.

We're years beyond that point now and he's 10 years sober.

She can't look after your child no. She wants to but she can't.

I'm so sorry. I wish I had the answer.

It is not a reflection on you.

Beth2511 Sun 17-Apr-16 19:40:43

Thank you all.

I know she cant help it but i also dont see how any person who can be made completely sober and told its last chance not just be me but social services would go back there.

I dont know if it hurts most because of how amazing she is when sober, she would do anything for anyone and give her last penny to someone who needs it more when shes sober but drunk she recognisable and vicous. Or the fact I know she absolutely adores her grandchild or the memory of seeing her barely alive as a 12 year old kid.

It just hurts sad

SurroMummy13 Sun 17-Apr-16 19:42:39

We have been through this with my DH's dad.

He's currently is hospital dying, as I type. His liver and kidneys are fucked, and his body is shutting down. Nothing will get through to your mum. Only something truly horrific.

I wish you luck.

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff Sun 17-Apr-16 19:46:33

For me it would be the last straw and I'd go NC. I've been NC with my own mother for 15 years, so has my brother. We had to go in to protective mode as she was seriously bad for our health.

My last straw was when she took dd (3) shop lifting.

Good look on your pregnancy and look after yourself, I'm only a couple of weeks behind you flowers

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff Sun 17-Apr-16 19:50:02

And also I resent the saying 'it's an illness' as it makes families feel guilty if they don't want to put up with it any more.

veryproudvolleyballmum Sun 17-Apr-16 19:53:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HermioneWeasley Sun 17-Apr-16 19:58:44

What veryproud said

And remember the 3 Cs of alcoholism
- you didn't cause this
- you can't control it
- you can't cure it

I am so sorry, of course it hurts that she cares more about alcohol than you.

veryproudvolleyballmum Sun 17-Apr-16 20:01:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Heidi42 Sun 17-Apr-16 20:02:59

it's a disease , she wouldn't want to do this if she could help it...... where is the pity yes pity for this poor woman. If any of you know about addiction then you will know that relapsing is a part of the disease. I do feel for you op but your mum is a sick woman its a mental illness and she needs help and understanding , not attacking .

MizK Sun 17-Apr-16 20:10:04

Heidi children of alcoholics have every fibre of patience, tolerance, sympathy and pity stretched to breaking point. Of course alcoholics aren't having a bundle of fun but my pity is mainly for the OP who will have spent years worried sick about her mum and who right now could use some mothering and looking after herself.

upthegardenpath Sun 17-Apr-16 20:11:23

You're not overreacting - you are hurting,because even a crap mother is still your crap mother. And because you want a proper granny for your DC.
Alcoholism is a horrible disease and she needs all the help she can get to kick the addiction.
Either you are with her or you're not. It's entirely your call and no one can make that decision for you.
And you're always entitled to have rant and cry smile
All the very best flowers

BalloonSlayer Sun 17-Apr-16 20:11:36

flowers for you.

She and your DC can still have a relationship - she will just never be able to look after DC for you, or for them to be alone together.

They can still have a loving relationship, it will just have to be heavily supervised by you. I know that's not what you want or deserve though. sad

Ohfourfoxache Sun 17-Apr-16 20:11:59

Oh Beth sad

I'm so sorry sweetheart sad

Rant as much as you want.

Yes, it's a disease. But that doesn't mean to say that you and your family have to put up with all sorts as a result.

gingerbreadmanm Sun 17-Apr-16 20:12:10

So sorry you are going through this. My dmil was an alcoholic, sadly she died from it.

They just can't stop. I don't know what it is that makes the ones who are sober a long time stay that way but dmil could never do it.

She did have sober periods and like you thats when it hurt me the most that she started to drink again. She was also the most wonderful person when sober.

I was pregnant and it used to be a constant worry over what kind of access she would be able to have but after seeing so many relapses i realised the only safe access would be in our company.

You're not silly for trusting her, i did it a million times. I always thought this time was different.

It's so tough. I really feel for you and hope you have lots of support. As for dm maybe let her know u r there to support her but keep ur distance for your own wellbeing.

Beth2511 Mon 18-Apr-16 10:42:23

Thank you all, means a lot.

Calmed down a lot now and thinking with my logical head. I know i will never change her, i wont go NC but visits will be very short and on my terms and with me and my other half both present.

Think I've found a lovely looking childminder for dd which has cheered me up a lot and OH brought home a mountain of chocolate from work for me.

I agree its a disease but when you are sober and you know what is at stake i do feel there's an element of choice in it at that point. It always starts as 'just one' but that just one results very quickly in this.

scarednoob Mon 18-Apr-16 10:44:51

Ah you poor thing. 2 of my grandparents were alcoholics and I went out with one for 4 years. It's hard, so hard. I think you are doing exactly the right thing with your plan in your last post. Esp the chocolate smile

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