How long does it take to do the shopping?(22 Posts)
The background to this is that on Saturdays DH sleeps in while I sort out the DCs (I sleep in on Sundays) and then takes them with him to the local market from about 10am to one o'clock. They do some food shopping for DH's diet, have a coffee, see friends, DCs run around and I do some work or sort out the house.
Today I had a ridding lesson booked and was really looking forward to it, but DS had a fever last night so I changed my lesson to my instructor riding the horse and kept DS and also DD who wanted to stay. So I had sick DS all night long, then looked after the DCs while DH slept in and then kept both of them (as well as four horses and two dogs) while DH went shopping. I asked DH to not take too long as I was quite tired from looking after the DCs all week and from last night.
To put it in context it takes me one hour to do the weekly shop at the supermarket...it took DH three hours to buy meat, bread and cheese. Basically he fucked off for a coffee and a walk leaving me with the DCs. Now I am bfing DS so he can sleep for the afternoon, DD is at a party and DH is free to watch TV on the sofa.
Is there any solution to living with someone who is so self-centred and lazy when it comes to parenting? He has form for this and I end up doing more than my fair share (and that's not taking into account the fact that I am SAHP or that he is away abroad for work for weeks at a time).
Is there any solution to living with someone who is so self-centred and lazy when it comes to parenting
Not live with him? I couldn't be with someone who had such little respect for me and the work of raising children.
He's used to going out for 3 hours. That's what he did. could be a bit like my FIL. A man of habit - but we won't go into that one..... It's really difficult to know what to say. Does he need direction and goals? Could you have slept in or did you need to get up for the riding? Seems like there is a lack of communication. Cos I'm not guilty of that at all.
I could understand it if he went on auto-pilot, but I specifically said that I was tired, DS was cranky, I had to manage the horses and could he please be as quick as possible. He said he would try his best but might be delayed if there were a lot of people as it's a nice, sunny day. When he came back he insisted he had not been out for 3 hours but I am certain that's how long was (I was not checking on him, my instructor was late, as DH was leaving he said "Instructor just arrived" and I looked at my watch).
I don't know how to deal with this shit. When we were a couple and both worked we agreed to employ a cleaner to avoid the worst of the rows over housework and shared the rest. We shared shopping, cooking, clothes washing, etc. Since we had the DCs I am assumed to be on childcare duty 24/7 and be responsible for all household chores.
In my case it takes more than 10, less than 15 minutes on Ocado, and I have a cleaner.
I don't mind at all the caring of the DC, but I'm not going to waste any time doing/arguing over who should be doing/fuming over not doing jobs no one enjoys.
We live in a rural area of France so the only version of Internet shopping is a bizarre click and collect service with a 15 minute collection window! In any case he was not actually shopping, I still have to do that on Monday, he was having a coffee and picking up a couple of things only he will eat.
And you assume he was listening to you being tired - maybe not, I don't know how good he is at listening. What does he actually do around the house? What are his working hours? You say you have horses/animals who does what?
If you want to be militant, you could choose to down tools and strike, book yourself a day/weekend off, leave him some expressed milk and take a breast pump and check into a hotel or spa. Then he'll see how much you actually do.
He works long hours and even when he works from home we only see him from 5 until 7.30ish when the DCs go to sleep. DS is a poor sleeper and both DCs have been ill non stop this winter so that doesn't help the feeling that I am on duty 24/7.
I do the animals as they are mainly my hobby, but we do have a lovely nanny/cleaner/groom. She and I do the house, the DCs and the animals so we spend a lot of time together.
So you have a lot of help. Is this why he thinks he is contributing enough? I'm assuming you don't work so he's pulling in a lot of cash to have this nice lifestyle correct? Not judging btw.
You are right about that being an excessive amount of time to do a bit of food shopping. However, as a horsewoman myself, I would bet that you say you are popping out for twenty minutes to do the horses and come back in three hours later!
He works long hours.
You are a SAHM with a nanny, a cleaner and a groom.
Imo he should be able to spend 3 hours out of the house on one of his weekend days off.
The money that supports our lifestyle is mine if that makes any difference so I am paying out of my own funds for the luxury of being SAHP and the nanny.
I don't do anything with the horses at the weekend other than 3-4 competitions a year (not even every year as I didn't compete when pregnant and when DCs were tiny babies). This is the first time I have arranged to ride on a weekend in 2.5 years. I do that on purpose to have time with the family.
"He works long hours" You think I don't?
"He should be able to spend three hours..." Where are my three hours?
"...weekend days off" When are my days off?
By the way I don't have a nanny, a cleaner and a groom working for me. I employ a lovely, flexible person who shares all these tasks with me so that between us we do childcare, manage the household and sort out the animals.
Sounds like you could do with some you time having had ill little ones all winter. It's a real pity you didn't get to ride today. Can't DH take them out for the day tomorrow? Don't know what part of France you are in but if the weathers nice, a picnic etc perhaps?
What do you actually want from him? Have you asked him?
My point about the money was because I've witnessed men who earn big salaries believing the money to be enough of a contribution. I was wondering if he was of this belief.
Being a SAHP seems to be a life sentence for me. If DH is sick he stays in bed (huge victim of the man flu), if the DCs are sick it's my responsibility he hasn't taken a single day off work to look after the DCs and I don't get to be sick as who would look after the DCs? He didn't take both DCs out by himself until they were 12mo and 4yo as he didn't think he could cope. The whole idea behind the Saturday morning was to give me a break from both DCs.
I just find it really inconsiderate and hurtful that he was supposed to have the DCs so he should have stayed at home with sick DS, but I changed my plans so DH could go buy his special diet food, I specifically explained why I needed help and he ignored me and went for a coffee. He said he decided to go for a coffee as he didn't think it would take that long, but even 5 minutes would have been 5 minutes he could have been helping me instead not to mention the three hours it really took. He also feels that he's said "Sorry" (just that, and delivered more petulantly than our 5yo) so that's the end of the matter.
I think your DH is behaving badly. Time for a chat. Tell him that that you're not likely to want to jump into bed with someone that makes you feel so undervalued and disrespected.
Definitely sounds like he needs to contribute more time to being part of the family. I know it was crap today. It sounds like he thinks you're being a bit overly dramatic. You actually sound very frustrated and tired. Can you get some rest tomorrow? I think he should be doing the nighttime care of ill ds tonight. Can he not be on call least one night a week to give you a break? I think you need to sit down together and make some new plans and agreements.
We had a long chat, as usual we see things differently but will try harder to see each other's viewpoint and find compromises.
An hour/week, not more Husband just hates supermarkets, so do I. Used to buy groceries online , clothes online , too (Asos, eBay, www.nordicpoetry.co.uk/ , H&M ), even toys for kids I buy online. Earlier I could walk in a mall or a store for many hours, it was kinda hobby and relaxation. Nowadays because of constant lack of time shopping ( especially food products ) is nothing but a routine for me..
He's not doing enough. That's shitty to leave you for so long when you reasonably asked him not to. It sounds like you need to be very specific about what you want eg be back by 2. As soon as he plans time for himself, get in there with a plan for you too.
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