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To have lost all confidence in having sex? (no TMI content - promise..)

(11 Posts)
NewDay2016 Sat 16-Apr-16 09:38:36

So, I am mid forties, male, and have only had sex with my wife - we met when I was 30. Don't know what I was doing with my life before then to be honest..

Anyway, we have one child already, so are not completely clueless.

But, these days, I have no idea how to end up having sex. There seems to be an unwritten idea that it's not something that happens on a school night - and then we end up knackered or arguing (more like bickering) on weekends. Couple that with watching too much depressing news just before bed.

On good days we do get on well. All the usual caveats about sharing housework equally, childcare equally, can apply.

Just seems we spend too much time dealing with the admin of life (and stressing about other peoples / family members lives) that the mood never seems to shift.

Although I don't really want to write it down (as that somehow makes it more real) I have a horrible feeling we are in what is known as a sexless relationship.

Feeling a bit sad - because I'm not sure I even have a mythical 'at it like rabbits' time to look back on either.

The pressure of trying to TTC for #2, with time passing, probably are not helping if I'm honest.

I could cheefully chuck the telly out of the window - I think that could help.

Thanks for reading - not sure what I am expecting back..

(name changed, btw)

AliceInUnderpants Sat 16-Apr-16 09:40:16

You are TTC but not having sex? Did I catch that right? Or have you decided to stop TTC but that means the sex has stopped?

NewDay2016 Sat 16-Apr-16 09:44:42

We want to TTC - but the pressure to 'perform' together with combining watching calendars, dates etc means that somehow nothing ever happens.

Nightmare - thanks for reading - got to go out for the morning now.

Timeforabiscuit Sat 16-Apr-16 09:47:08

Do you have any interests that you share? Are there other ways you can show intimacy? IMO lack of sex is sometimes a symptom of bigger changes in a relationship.

Children make family dynamics shift and take a huge amount of emotiona energy, it takes a while to reset a new normal, so sex does inevitably take a back seat while that happens. Are you still talking to your partner about things that interest you both or make you happy (not kids or family issues)?

Timeforabiscuit Sat 16-Apr-16 09:48:29

Maybe go over to the ttc boards on here, they are hugely supportive and will have more insight.

Blerg Sat 16-Apr-16 09:48:58

I can relate to this, especially the bit of mood doesn't shift due to life admin and child rearing. It's so much easier when busy and tired to watch TV and veg out.

For us it makes a huge difference to talk about it so it doesn't get tense. It's usually me saying to my husband that I still love him and fancy him but at the moment (just had baby, but also before then from bad sleep issues with toddler) I just wasn't in that head space. Occasionally we would have a babysitter or MIL would look after toddler and we would go out, reconnect and that would always bring the old feelings back /'- hence DC2.

If can't get babysitter even a night where you plan no TV, nice meal and just a chat can really help in the same way.

Lumpylumperson Sat 16-Apr-16 09:49:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EponasWildDaughter Sat 16-Apr-16 10:10:33

Yes, I was coming on to say about the dedicated 'date night'. It's an old cliche which people can shy away from - i guess it can be hard to admit that things have got to the stage where you have to make an appointment with your own partner! - but needs must.

And it's often a situation which is neither person's fault. It's just life. Life can sometimes just start to get in the way and you have to take gentle steps to put your relationship back in the foreground. Even if it is only once a week or so smile

If you think it sounds like an idea i'd start off with something simple as suggested already; a film night in with some tasty food, or a meal out somewhere nearby. Doesn't have to be a big deal.

wheresthel1ght Sat 16-Apr-16 10:19:24

I can understand completely! I think dp and I have had sex once in the 3 years since we accidentally conceived dd. Life is hectic and between him being anxious about his older kids being here and hearing something, his night shifts and dd not sleeping through reliably we find that months go past and we still haven't dtd.

We are physically clos and still find each other attractive we just need to make time for that intimacy to flourish. This is not aided by the fact we have both put on weight recently and so feel self conscious.

No real advice really just letting you know you aren't alone!

VioletTea Sat 16-Apr-16 10:21:40

I will add a third to "date night."
It does help us to relax more and appreciate each other more, to kind of look at each other through different eyes and feel attracted to each other like we used to when we were courting, so to speak!
Take sex out of the agenda for a couple of weeks, so you've got less pressure for a while; then concentrate on spending time together and to "court" each other for a bit.
Ban the news, and switch your mobiles off for a couple of nights and just talk to each other, cook together, cuddle on the sofa, watch a favourite movie with some popcorn etc.
Take the pressure of TTC for a couple of weeks and make reconnecting a priority.

NewDay2016 Sat 16-Apr-16 14:14:34

Thanks - I think we will go for 'date nights' - just posting on here helped.

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