To want DH to do a bit more?

(62 Posts)
mrsgembles Sat 16-Apr-16 09:20:19

DH is currently upstairs cocooned in our duvet. I got up with DS at 7.30 (a very reasonable time, no complaints there), and sorted out breakfast, getting dressed etc. He's happily watching Mr Tumble. I can tell you exactly how the next few hours will go, because this has been happening since DS was born. Shortly I will hear a clomping noise upstairs followed by the running of the bath tap. DH will then descend the stairs and head outside for his pre-bath fag. He will smile warmly at our son and head back upstairs for a bath lasting approximately an hour. Then he'll spend half an hour 'getting dressed' (sitting upstairs in his pants reading on his phone) before finally emerging at about 11/11.30 to join family life. How do I know this? It happens pretty much every day, and certainly every weekend.

A bit of background, he's a freelance writer with a sporadic working pattern, I'm a SAHM. He has periods where he's very busy and periods where he has a lot of downtime. He wants me to stay at home with our boy but can be v resentful about being the only breadwinner. We're not poor, we manage. We have a pretty good life, materially.

I would say I do 90% of the childcare. He does read him a story every night though, which he sees as 'putting him to bed' (even though I run the bath, brush his teeth, dry him off, get him in his pjs). He thinks he's doing a great job. He had DS for a bit yesterday while I had my hair done (this happens about 3x a year, at most) and I know he thinks he's done his stint for the week.

But I want more, and I think I deserve it. I'm tired and increasingly resentful. AIBU guys? Is he doing enough?

Afreshstartplease Sat 16-Apr-16 09:21:50

Yanbu

However mine is just as shit so I can't advise

mrsgembles Sat 16-Apr-16 09:22:30

I can't seem to make him understand. He's still in bed, btw.

mrsgembles Sat 16-Apr-16 09:23:38

I think our DS deserves more. All my friend's husbands do fun stuff with their kids at the weekends to give the mums a break. I get this. Short straw.

PeppaIsMyHero Sat 16-Apr-16 09:30:26

In a perfect world, what would your weekend look like?

Happyinthehills Sat 16-Apr-16 09:30:32

He's wrong and he's selfish and your DS will come to see it and resent it.

BTDTGTTS and a dH who doesn't understand why his DCs have little time for him.

You could try warning him from our experience but I doubt he would listen.

mrsgembles Sat 16-Apr-16 09:31:30

BTDTGTTS? That's taking acronyms a bit far, right? In English?

mrsgembles Sat 16-Apr-16 09:32:21

I don't subscribe to an ideal world really, and try not to visualise scenarios. I would just like him to fucking pull his weight.

TheCrumpettyTree Sat 16-Apr-16 09:32:32

Is he doing enough? He isn't doing anything!

NoCakeLeft Sat 16-Apr-16 09:33:59

Nope, not enough.

kittentits Sat 16-Apr-16 09:34:10

Yanbu. IMO Long baths are fine if a) you get the chance to do the same and b) if it doesn't follow a lie in, and precede half an hour of arsing about on his phone!

What does he say when you tell him he needs to get more involved? There's really no reason why he shouldn't with his work pattern. Also not sure if it's just your wording but you seem to suggest that you're not necessarily happy being a SAHM, you say " he wants me to stay at home", do you want this? I'm not surprised he wants you at home if he gets to live like this! No, he's not doing enough, and you deserve a break.

Due to my husband's work pattern it's not a clear cut case of "weekends off" but we definitely share the load when he's home, and if I need a haircut or a day out without the kids he will always step in.

PeppaIsMyHero Sat 16-Apr-16 09:34:21

BTW, he can't have it both ways: "He wants me to stay at home with our boy but can be v resentful about being the only breadwinner."

Or can he?

Maybe put some thought in to how you'd like your life to look, then talk to him about how you and he can both achieve what you want...

Happyinthehills Sat 16-Apr-16 09:36:16

Sorry - one of the first on the net

Been There Done That Got The T Shirt

francis223 Sat 16-Apr-16 09:38:42

You're not alone.
In our house, after waking several times to bf our toddler who still doesn't sleep through, at 6am
we are up for the day. I change his nappy, see to the cat, prepare breakfast. My OH stays in bed. He eventually gets up. He's at the gym at the moment.
He works full time from home, I'm at home at the moment as I've just been made redundant. He's very much put us into boxes of 'he's the breadwinner and too tired to do anything else apart from work, go to the gym and spend time doing his hobbies' and my box is 'mum and housewife' despite me working full time and earning the same as him just a few weeks ago. Sounds pretty depressing written down.

CoffeeRevels Sat 16-Apr-16 09:40:04

Yanbu.
I have similar issues and am sick and tired of it all. He has admitted that he is 'lazy' but despite this still makes no effort to help me at all. Was out of work for several years while I worked long days full time but still did not help around the house. I get accused of nagging and starting arguments 'about nothing' hmm

He gets up around lunchtime at weekends and often then has 2 hour baths in the afternoon. I've had enough so he is currently looking for a place to rent and I will then be free of the lazy manchild.

Have you sat down and explained to him exactly how resentful you feel?

TheCrumpettyTree Sat 16-Apr-16 09:40:49

Parenting is about team work. He's choosing to opt out. If you're both at home (outside of him working) you both get on with it. He sees you being at home as an excuse to not bother. Smiling at his child is not parenting.

VocationalGoat Sat 16-Apr-16 09:42:05

I'd be fuming! Mind you, mine's as bad, if not worse.
Turn off the hot water before bed. Cold bath on a Saturday morning. Nice. grin

TendonQueen Sat 16-Apr-16 09:43:53

As one specific thing then, couldn't you say you want to split weekend lie ins, and have one day each? Many people do this, so it's a pattern he should recognise as reasonable.

I think he should be doing more than that though. Why can't he alternate bedtimes (properly, doing it all) with you? It's unfair he gets the fun bit of the story every time.

Have you raised this before? What did he say? If you haven't, it's clear he won't, so just say your piece.

Brokenbiscuit Sat 16-Apr-16 09:44:01

What does he say when you ask him to do more?

mrsgembles Sat 16-Apr-16 09:44:03

I'm increasingly fantasising about raising DS on my own, which would be the same amount of work with much less anger and disappointment. That's terrible, isn't it?

mrsgembles Sat 16-Apr-16 09:44:52

If I ask he either gets angry and shouts about money or gets very upset to the point where I'm almost comforting him.

PeppaIsMyHero Sat 16-Apr-16 09:45:50

Separation is not terrible - it's a viable option.

francis223 Sat 16-Apr-16 09:47:53

Oh God are you married to my OH? That's exactly what I get. Suddenly everything is turned to me being blamed for hurting his feelings.

My favourite is listening to him update my MIL on how DS is and me thinking 'you only know this because I told you'

mrsgembles Sat 16-Apr-16 09:51:14

He's still in bed. I am taking DS to the park because we can't wait around for him all day. I am seething.

Euphemia Sat 16-Apr-16 09:51:33

He's angry because he knows he's in the wrong, and because he's being called on it.

I'm your shoes, I'd get a job. Split childcare responsibilities. If that doesn't work, at least you'll have an income ready for dumping him.

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