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to wish my ex was dead?

(73 Posts)
frecklesagogo Fri 15-Apr-16 09:57:54

My mother said you should never ever wish that on anyone. So I'm ashamed and bracing myself for all the hateful backlash I might get. But please hear me out, I'm desperate in need of some advice and support.

This man, the father of my 5 yo DD physically, emotionally and mentally abused me over a seven year relationship ending with one day when he beat me senseless on the floor while my daughter was in the bath alone aged 2. I called the police, he was arrested and charged with assault.

I have left him three years ago. Despite me caring for DD 80% of the time in that 3 year separation, he won 50/50 custody in court. It hurt like hell but I have sucked it up; I work hard in a excellent job, study, see friends, do all my chores so when DD is back I can be the best mum I can be.

In March following three months of text and email abuse saying i was a failure of a mother, fat, ugly, useless etc I reported him to the police again for harassment. He got a warning and his response was to report me back to the police, and to social services for child abuse. This also hurt but they had the sense to see it for what it was and dismiss him.

As a result I now only communicate with him via his girlfriend. (Yes he has a girlfriend, of 2 years, they are living together and trying for a baby. I met her and really liked her, how is she not running for the hills!). She is capable of keeping communication business like and I am hugely grateful for that.

However, he keeps finding new and creative ways to hurt me: keeping back uniform so i have none, blocking me from face timing DD when shes been with him for a week, calling me fat on the doorstep when i pick her up and this week he has kept back her first reading response book and won't let me borrow it to take pictures. Sounds insignificant, but she is in reception; it documents her transition from angelic chimp, to reading, writing little pupil and her dad has not done any of her homework with her. It represents hours of my time investing in her drawing and writing and maths and the pictures and stories are so lovely and ooze sentimental value. And I am in bits, crying about a little book?!

And so I had that horrible thought flicker in my mind that this is how its going to be for the rest of my life, him finding new ways to be spiteful and nasty because i left him and he is bitter. And i know its a terrible thing to think, and I don't think i really want him dead, I just want to live without this constant torment.

EatShitDerek Fri 15-Apr-16 10:01:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VertigoNun Fri 15-Apr-16 10:03:32

I understand. I didn't wish death on my ex, he did on me. After so much abuse from these people you want them to leave you alone.

Thankfully exh went for therapy and was apparently advised to walk away from our lives to get away from me. hmm I suspect the therapist told him that because they realised he was a narcissistic and gave him that narrative to keep us safe. I am so grateful to them. I don't know how you go on continually being attacked. Do you think you may have PTSD?

Baressentials Fri 15-Apr-16 10:03:56

I don't think yabu. I understand feeling like that. I wished the same on my ds's dad. Then he did die. In someways, knowing I don't have to deal with him, deal with ds being constantly disappointed is easier now we can just remember the nice things about him. But that doesn't make up for the howling noise I heard come from my ds when I told him his dad had died. If I could go back I would do things differently, not engage, get help/mediation/whatever to help us to co-parent in a better and healthier way.

I think you need to find ways to not let him get to you, not engage with you. Parallel parent as opposed to co-parent. I don't have the answers or any even half decent advice I am afraid but I understand why you feel and think the way you do flowers

CitySnicker Fri 15-Apr-16 10:09:29

Can you ask the girlfriend for the book back?...or does it get returned to school?

UnderTheGreenwoodTree Fri 15-Apr-16 10:09:42

A friend of mine has an ex she wishes dead, and I don't blame her at all. He is an evil man and is currently in prison. Hell, I would almost wish him dead, because I've seen what he's put her through.

I know what you mean though, it feels wrong. But it's understandable in your (and my friend's) case. thanks

CoraPirbright Fri 15-Apr-16 10:09:43

No judgement here. He sounds utterly vile in every way, shape and form and I don't blame you for a single second. It would take an absolute saint to not have the sneaking suspicion that, frankly, life would be much better if he were no longer on the planet.

As an aside, bloody well done. You sound like you have been to hell and back and yet you have got yourself and dd back on your feet and are coping admirably and with grace flowers

CitySnicker Fri 15-Apr-16 10:10:00

Could you ask that they copy it for you next time it comes in?

Pinkheart5915 Fri 15-Apr-16 10:10:29

Not unreasonable
I don't have any experience of your situation but it sounds horrible. The fact even now he scores points off you in any petty way he can.
You'd think his focus would be on his dd not hurting you any way he can

I'm shocked that a court gave a man like that 50/50 custody there really is no justice some times.


UnderTheGreenwoodTree Fri 15-Apr-16 10:16:36

I'm also shocked that he got 50-50 when he had beaten you senseless leaving your dd in the bath sad A person that does this should not be allowed access at all IMO - I don't believe men with convictions of domestic violence should be allowed to see their children at all.

Boomingmarvellous Fri 15-Apr-16 10:27:00

I almost wish my ex was dead for similar reasons but he has kept out of my life so I don't.

In your shoes I would and wouldn't feel guilty about it.

Regarding your DD try to think of ways he might take his spite out on you and work round it. When he drops DD off ensure a friend is there and let them answer the door to him. If he witholds school uniforms make sure you have another set with you.

He's messing with your mind because he is a spiteful, vicious excuse for a man. Mentally distance yourself from it all and don't let him control you any more because that is still what he is trying to do.

HereIAm20 Fri 15-Apr-16 10:27:46

My ex was a bit like this. Eventually and without prompting from me his new gf had a word with him to ask why he was still so hung up on me when she was on the scene now? That kicked him into better shape.

20 years on I still deal mainly with her (now his wife) even though son is 24 when trying to arrange family events etc so as not to clash.

Is the gf approachable do you think?

dottypotter Fri 15-Apr-16 10:28:24

does his gf know he is abusing you when he sees you why not tell her?

MartinaJ Fri 15-Apr-16 10:29:58

You are totally NBU for wishing him dead. Reading your post, I was mentally bashing him with a hammer myself.
He's a spiteful bully. You need to document everything and go to SS with that. Apply for more custody. Think about her please.

AlwaysDancing1234 Fri 15-Apr-16 10:30:56

No judgement from me, I think your feelings are totally understandable.
Could you maybe speak to school to see if they can help with copies of the photos from the book or something like that?
I agree with a PP that you should inform SS about his behaviour as it is having a detrimental effect on your DD.

BoopTheSnoot Fri 15-Apr-16 10:37:14

Your feelings are your own, and it's not for me or anyone else to judge you for them. FWIW your ex sounds like a vile excuse for a human being, and I'd probably feel much the same about him myself if I were in your situation.
I agree with PP, you need to start documenting these things. He's chipping away at you bit by bit, and obviously has no qualms about using your DD as a means to hurt you. It is totally unfair to you both. I would approach SS to have your custody arrangement reviewed, as a parent who is willing to use their DC as a weapon is not to be trusted in my opinion. Nothing good can come of it.

SolidGoldBrass Fri 15-Apr-16 10:37:14

No blame here, either. I agree with PP who have suggested reporting him to SS and speaking to the school about the book. Also, if he is verbally abusive on handovers you might be able to change the procedure so that he has no opportunity to speak to you - eg he waits at the gate and you send her out, or someone else takes her to him and brings her home. He has no right to speak to you if you do not want to speak to him.

Twinklestein Fri 15-Apr-16 10:41:55

Does gf know he beat you senseless? She has a right to know. No-one told a friend of my mum that the man she married beat his ex almost to death. It only came out when he beat my mum's friend almost to death.

Alternatively you could let her know about Clare's Law and she can apply herself.

But ultimately she's not your responsibility.

I wonder if not doing any homework, withholding uniform and books is enough to go back to court with?

At the very least you might let SS know that you're concerned about his level of care.

Twinklestein Fri 15-Apr-16 10:42:44

And you might consider letting SS know that he's trying for a baby with his new woman. Given that he beat you up leaving a 2 year old alone in the bath.

CreviceImp Fri 15-Apr-16 10:45:30

I think your feelings are entirely natural given what this vile human being has done to you.

He should have supervised contact only given the abuse your child has been a witness to.

How horrific you have not been supported by the supposed system in place. No wonder you are angry. Both you and your child have been let down and his current behaviour is an extension of that abuse.

samh83 Fri 15-Apr-16 10:49:53

Ask the school to keep things like that for days when you are collecting her, they should do it for you. I had to do that with the nursery because they kept sending my bills home with my sons dad, he would 'forget' to give me them & I would look bad when reception stopped me on the way in to remind me I hadn't paid my bill!

stopfuckingshoutingatme Fri 15-Apr-16 10:50:49

I wish he was dead too! why on earth do family courts allow custody to a man that beat his partner back and blue

yanbu. I really cannot advise as don't have much legal knowledge but one start is

keep diary, of everything
keep SS abreast of things
develop a suit of armour

Goingtobeawesome Fri 15-Apr-16 10:54:47

No judgement from me. This week I have had similar thoughts.

Uniform - keep a set in you room as an emergency. Don't react or contact home when he does it again. It's all about reaction. If his bullying doesn't work then it might stop.

School book - speak to school about his actions from the point of view you don't want your DD to miss anything rather than tale telling to school about him. I know you aren't, it's just the way to explain my point.

Girlfriend - you could think about telling her what he did to you but be prepared for her knowing already and it hasn't bothered her, or she doesn't know and it still doesn't when you tell her.

New baby - you could ring social services as a concerned member of the public, worried about a potential baby given he beat you and your toddler could have drowned while unattended.

blindsider Fri 15-Apr-16 11:00:30

Pfft It is just a thought, people are generally only condemned on their actions. Wish away wink

Ludways Fri 15-Apr-16 11:05:43

You can think what you like, I don't blame you, he sounds vile. I know the book is just a tool to hurt you with as he no longer has any other sort of power. Give thanks that you had the strength to leave him.

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