To ask DH not to go away on trip?

[JugglingBabies]

Basically. DH works incredibly hard all year. He is super at his job, and as a reward he has won various competitions (at least 6) over the last 3 years, meaning he can be away for almost 2 weeks at a time on holiday. He wins trips to all sorts of amazing locations. 5*. All expenses paid (apart from gifts etc that he buys). These are just for work colleagues, no family members are allowed.

We have 2 small children, and tbh, I'm starting to feel the pressure of picking up the slack. And to make matters 'worse', we don't really take family holidays, as money doesn't permit it at the moment.

Also, his company does not reduce any of his targets for the month where he is away on whatever trip it may be. Despite being away WITH work. Therefore he is stressed to the max for the few weeks beforehand trying to do double the work in half the time. And we suffer for it at home. Also, if he does miss target while he's away on one of these trips...he could potentially lose income (which we depend on). Hasn't happened yet, but it's always a worry.

AIBU to ask him to default on the next competition and not go away? Or do I sound like a jealous cow?

[Roseberrry]

2 holidays a year on his own and none for you? That is unfair.
I can see why he's gone on them (I would if it was free!) but I agree he doesn't need to go on every single one.

[JugglingBabies]

Totally. I would go aswell if I'd won it! But it's becoming a habit now!

[Drquin]

Depends what the impact is if he chose not to go on the trip.

There's not many jobs which are "perfect", some people / couples accept different perks, pay and stresses.
If the impact is he's not on an equal footing with others, personally I'd "put up" with it if the alternative was job insecurity.
But, depends very much on the specifics .......

[JugglingBabies]

There would be no repercussions. His boss also wins many of these trips. And never goes on any of them. This has not affected her ability to progress within the company, work relationships, salary etc

[VoldysGoneMouldy]

You don't sound jealous, but he sounds selfish. If he lived alone, without family, and won these things, that would be different, but it's not fair. He might work very hard, but this still isn't a dynamic that works for all of you on a continual basis.

[TheCrumpettyTree]

He sounds very selfish. As a family you get nothing from these prizes apart from a grumpy dh before hand. No it isn't fair. Yanbu. Where's your holiday?

[BarbaraofSeville]

Seems a bit of an odd prize, especially for someone with a family. Isn't there an option of a less swanky holiday that you can all go on? Or can you pay extra and make it your family holiday?

Does he work in the travel industry? Is he working or relaxing on these trips? Do they use his annual leave allowance up?

[FuriousFate]

Well, as long as you get to cash in on the same amount of time away to yourself, it all sounds fine .

YANBU, OP. I am a SAHM and we moved abroad for DH's career. At the moment, I can't work where we live (visa regs). If DH needs to work late/go away with work, I take the same amount of time away for myself. If I have an evening commitment and he is away, I get a babysitter. There's one thing being a SAHM, there's another being a complete mug and allowing your other half to basically lead the life of a single man whilst you keep the home fires burning.

Slightly off topic, but I see many women like myself in the country I'm living in right now. Husband away with work three weeks out of four, and they do everything. Everything. Wifework and then some. All night wakings, early mornings, sorting out this, that and the other. If they're ill, they have to get by. To me, this isn't what marriage means. One partner being the drudge and the other living it up. Once you've had children, you need to adapt your working life to accommodate family as priority number one, IMHO. As you can imagine, there's a high rate of divorce here!

[BobbiTheCynicalPanda]

YANBU

[JugglingBabies]

The trips are provided by the company's sponsors. He doesn't work in the travel industry. He works for a global company, and these trips can involve up to 150 employees at a time. There is NO work done on the trip, it is purely leisure. Their days are planned and involve lots of great day trips, outings etc.

He does not use his annual leave for these trips. But as previously posted, he is still expected to hit all his targets for that month, while physically not being there.

[Nonotmenori]

I think YABU. I'm guessing he's in the field of sales of some sort. As someone who's worked in the industry for years it's high pressure to ensure you hit those targets. If he's always winning he's doing serious work and deserves to go on those trips. You say he's always win his targets so it's not been an issue re money. Look at it as he's doing well and helping his career. The more he wins the better it looks on his profile when it comes to promotion etc. It really wouldn't look good if he wins an incentive and doesn't go.

[Nonotmenori]

Ps when I was in the IT sales industry we used to win a lot of trips abroad from the likes of HP, CISCO etc if we hit their targets they set for incentives. They were all paid and only staff who won could attend. I appreciate it seems unfair you can't get to go, but this is his job.

[JugglingBabies]

He is their top performing employee. And has been consistently so for quite some time. As I said already, he works extremely hard, and I don't begrudge him the right to go on these trips. Nor have I ever made him feel that way. I always wish him well, tell him not to worry at all about us, and to enjoy himself.

But after MANY of these trips, my smile at the airport is becoming a bit more fake.

I also don't think I have any right at all to go on these trips, nor should any spouses/partners/non employees.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Why does he think it's fair that he gets to bugger off for two weeks and leave you to do everything when there's no way of you getting the same thing?

[zeeka]

I would set limits of one per year (and still resent it, silently!). I think you've been very understanding, but I totally understand your concerns. Yanbu!

[JugglingBabies]

Oh. And to add. I'm not a SAHM. I work from home, full time. While taking care of our DC's (6 &3). So a bit of both.

[Purplepicnic]

I can't see that either of you are in the wrong really. You need to have a chat with him - does he have any idea you feel this way? There must be a middle ground that's fair for both of you.

[AppleAndBlackberry]

Why don't you start small and see if he'd be willing to skip the next one? It's hard when it's a whole month of upheaval for you. If he happily skipped one he might find he wasn't that bothered and he could skip a few more while the kids are small, or only go if it's a location he hasn't been too etc. I wouldn't hesitate to ask if I was in your position, the burden is too heavily on your shoulders at the moment.

[rutnoast]

YANBU. You essentially have to do everything for a month (two weeks whilst he's away, and whilst he works extra beforehand) and there's no benefit to you at all.

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

His trips are having a negative impact on your family, I would ask him to only go once per year too.

[Skittlesss]

Oh OP, I feel for you. I have two young children and my husband has to go away with work at times, sometimes for a few days but it can be for 2 weeks. It is ever so tiring and I find it hard, but we knew that when he accepted the promotion (in his old role he didn't have to go away often and only for a couple of days when he did). The only thing that makes it bearable is that the promotion came with a big pay rise which has enabled us to purchase our first house (and the duty free he treats me to).

So I really feel for you. Hubby is away at the moment, I work full time and I'm bloody shattered (and counting down the days til he's back). I don't think I would be as accepting if it was a two week holiday for the 6th time in 3 yrs though. Big hugs xx

[JugglingBabies]

I agree. I don't really believe either of us is wrong. He is away on 'business' trips regularly & I never bat an eye at those at all! Those are part of his job.

I just feel like I'm being a bit of a moan asking him not to go So it's great to read that it's not totally unreasonable!

[TeaBelle]

I think yabu. Dh works away at least one week per month. Yes it's hard but it's his job. If he constantly turns them down I imagine that there will be repercussions even if these are not spelt out. I would start looking at it as part of his work. Plus why don't you want him to enjoy himself? Seems a bit odd to me. It would be like me saying that dh couldn't go out for dinner or sightsee while he was away.

I also think that the notion of banking hours to be 'paid back' by partners who go away is so weird. Do people seriously do this?

[JugglingBabies]

Thank you skittles! I hope the duty free is good!

[HermioneJeanGranger]

OP has said her DH's boss gets offered the same trips and doesn't go, and that it doesn't affect her, so I don't know why people keep throwing that in there. It's not a necessary part of his job and isn't something he needs to do occasionally to get promoted - it's completely optional. So why should her DH get to spend a month a year swanning off on holidays when as a family, they can't afford to go away at all?

Seems a bit unfair that he gets two holidays (albeit free ones) when nobody else gets to go anywhere.