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to want to move out, even after all the help I have been given?

(25 Posts)
SaggingTits Thu 14-Apr-16 01:04:25

Couldn't name change so sorry for being vague. I'm really embarrassed about this and prepared for a flaming.

6 months ago me &ds moved in with one of my parents (who I'll call P) as my partner went through a very rough patch. P had a new home with a spare room, and tbh as we only met when I was an adult we probably saw it as a way to make up for lost time.

I know I annoy P a lot, which is making my anxiety worse. Small things from buying the wrong brands, making the wrong type of potato to accompany a meal, etc. inspects the saucepans (admittedly they bought them) because I made a pencil nib size scratch on one, and has bought it up 4 times since. It was inevitable I'd be the one to damage kitchen equipment because I do all the cooking. I did offer to replace it.

A few days ago a visiting relative accidently chucked a knife away, P texts me straight away saying a knife is missing, that I'd already scratched a pan and unlike me they wanted to look after stuff. I've lived here 6 months, it's the only damage I've done and I offered to replace it. The house is a mixture of our belongings, not all Ps fwiw.

The reason I feel bad moving out -
I pay very little (tv, water, food shopping). I was meant to get housing benefit to top up the rent as I'm on a low income but P chose to receive inheritance money 'early', then won a large sum of money. So obviously the household income is far too high for HB. I do all cooking/housework etc so hope that balances it out a bit.

The reason I want to move out is I miss my partner so much, I miss him, the help with ds, the shared responsibility. I miss being in my own home, with my rules and not worrying about upsetting anyone. I'm used to living independently, P is not and lived with relatives until we moved here.

Would I be an ungrateful cow to move out now after being allowed to live here for peanuts? Am I being a brat? I know people probably think P would be thrilled to get rid of us but they'd actually be gutted and lonely living alone. I feel lonely here though, especially as P spends all their time playing online poker, and the house has an atmosphere if they lose.

SaggingTits Thu 14-Apr-16 01:04:51

God that was long. Sorry blush

HirplesWithHaggis Thu 14-Apr-16 01:08:49

Yanbu at all. Are you and your partner ready to live together again? What went wrong last time?

MammaTJ Thu 14-Apr-16 01:11:30

Are you and DP on better terms now, is the rough patch over? If so then the logical thing to do is to move back in. If not, then plan your next move more cautiously! But a new saucepan and knife if that's what it takes and be a little more careful.

Birdsgottafly Thu 14-Apr-16 01:14:53

Have you discussed moving back in with your Partner?

It was nice of P to put you up, but if you can reconcile with your Partner, then that is the best thing all round.

SaggingTits Thu 14-Apr-16 01:20:20

The rough patch was a failed termination that caused a MC a few weeks later. I was further along than we were told (could tell the sex). My partners ex had a termination for medical reasons and that was a boy too, so we withdrew into ourselves. P doesn't know as rather judgemental and It was another pregnancy when I was only 23.

Yes I will be more careful and probably buy my own pans. The knife was found in a cake box the relative bought and served us.

I just don't want to upset P after being so generous and having us. They didn't get to see me grow up so id feel bad moving ds out

Firstlawofholes Thu 14-Apr-16 01:20:39

Oh lovely, you seem to have tried to twist yourself into knots to satisfy everyone. Please stop doing this and think of yourself for once. Move back with your partner as soon as you can.

SolidGoldBrass Thu 14-Apr-16 01:27:28

Not sure you should move back with partner, you might be better moving into somewhere on your own with your DS. You sound a little vulnerable and therefore easy prey for bullies - both your partner and your parent sound like bullies BTW.

MammaTJ Thu 14-Apr-16 01:32:20

Oh sweetheart! You are young enough to be my daughter and I just want to wrap you up in cotton wool and protect you from a the bad stuff! You have been through so much!

I don't think moving back with your partner would be good right now.

I think you and P need to get past your very minor mistakes and muddle along!

HirplesWithHaggis Thu 14-Apr-16 01:43:01

What was the reason why P didn't meet you till you were an adult?

Sorry for your loss, that must have been a difficult time for you. flowers

SaggingTits Thu 14-Apr-16 01:48:16

I'd love the be wrapped in cotton wool and not have to face the world for a while blush

I hope people didn't think my partner was horrible to me about the termination. He wasn't but he a bit traumatized after his previous experience. He has always said the 'right' things and supported me when I feel overwhelmed with guilt. We argued about general stuff/everything. Not the actual abortion.

I think I'll muddle along with P for a year or so, out of obligation . But I'm starting to wonder if our problems are minor when I'm doing everything and don't have a close enough relationship to say anything. I'm suddenly very conscious that we don't know eachorher that well. I always thought of them as very happy but since living together I've noticed this isn't the case, and depends on gambling results.

MattDillonsPants Thu 14-Apr-16 01:53:49

There's no obligation to live somewhere you're not happy! P doesn't sound like he or she is particularly enjoying you being there anyway! P might be happier if you did move out as they sound VERY fussy.

Is your partner happy to live together again? Are you still seeing one another regularly?

MartinaJ Thu 14-Apr-16 02:00:35

You seem to be moving between two abusive people. Emotionally abusive, that is, the P maybe not intentionally but still.
Can you move out somewhere on your own and start counselling to boost your self-confidence?

SaggingTits Thu 14-Apr-16 02:15:18

Yes we still see eachother regularly. I have to stay there at least a few nights a week due to work. Sometimes I'll finish work at 2am when he has to leave at 5am.

My partner isn't abusive. I feel a bit stupid calling him a partner at my age grin but we lived together for 5 years prior to all this

SaggingTits Thu 14-Apr-16 02:24:10

I don't see how I could get my own place. I haven't got a deposit and I'm adequately housed with my name on a tenancy, so wouldn't get any help.

I'm starting counselling soon. Thankyou all for the kind words flowers I was expecting a flaming for living somewhere for so little and having the audacity to moan grin

Bogeyface Thu 14-Apr-16 02:41:18

I was expecting a flaming for living somewhere for so little

The cost isnt always financial, it sounds like your current living arrangements are costing you quite a lot.

Would this be a parent that you have not seen? It sounds like they have expected you to step into a "looking after" role, without giving much back to you emotionally. A father?

SaggingTits Thu 14-Apr-16 19:00:18

Indeed. Another moody day today as me & ds have been out all day and I text at 6 to say we'd eaten out so wouldn't be doing a dinner. Is this normal?

Yeahsure Thu 14-Apr-16 19:04:47

Oh I'm so sorry OP. I think P sounds extremely difficult and unreasonable, no wonder you are feeling increasingly anxious. I'm also sorry about your termination and miscarriage, how traumatic. Don't feel bad about moving out! Just make your you are moving back with your partner for the right reasons thanks

GiddyOnZackHunt Thu 14-Apr-16 19:05:22

You sound more like staff than a long lost relative they want to form a bond with sad

Skittlesss Thu 14-Apr-16 19:16:43

I think you would be best moving out sooner rather than later. Your current living arrangements don't sound very nice for you and I think you need to put you and your child first and do what's best for you.

I hope you're ok. You do sound vulnerable and I wonder if you feel that way too?

I feel for you with your failed termination/the resulting miscarriage. It's a hard decision to make and you must have been really affected by it flowers

MatildaTheCat Thu 14-Apr-16 19:26:20

You don't sound as if your relationship is over so concentrate on getting home ASAP. P is struggling with having you there. It can be really hard having people to stay even if they are close relations and from what you say there is a lot of back story and you aren't actually close.

What was the deal when you moved in? " please can I come to stay until I get sorted out?" Or "Please can I come and live with you?" She/he may well be thinking its time you moved on. It sounds as if you live fairly close by, I'm sure your relationship with P can be built on more successfully when you and your DC aren't living there.

Try not to take the niggles too personally, some people are super picky and do harp on about things. Apologise and take reasonable care, no more to be done really.

SaggingTits Thu 14-Apr-16 19:34:55

Yes I do. I've not had it easy but I've never felt this vulnerable and on edge. I'm not scared of P but I'm always worrying I'll upset them.

I keep worrying p can see this thread. They could have synced our devices. They've fixed my laptop (that he got me), updated phone software etc. He put a spy app on someone's home computer because they thought their wife was cheating. I won't talk on the phone here because I know p would love to hear what my other parent says to me and could easily set their laptop up to record.

P can be lovely and funny and at times we talk/tell eachother stories for hours. Seems to be infrequent now though

SaggingTits Thu 14-Apr-16 19:56:41

We talked about getting somewhere together as I wanted to move out and he had to. He found us a 2 bed house a week. He'd have taken the house anyway as he needed somewhere ASAP and he bumped into an old friend who had a property to let. He wouldn't pass any proper checks so this was the only option.

We are both on the tenancy agreement

Skittlesss Thu 14-Apr-16 20:05:59

Well if P can see this then they'll see that you aren't wanting to upset them and you're thinking about their feelings.

You really do need to put yourself first. smile do you have friends you can turn to? For support/someone to talk to in person xx

MrsBobDylan Thu 14-Apr-16 20:50:43

I can hear real unhappiness in your living arrangements. It seems also that P has a gambling addiction which isn't pleasant to live with.

Why can't you live in the house you and your partner shared and your partner move out?

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