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to be cross that dd is repeatedly hurt under cm care

(104 Posts)
wheresthel1ght Tue 12-Apr-16 20:08:27

Dd's cm is lovely. She is very sweet, buys the kids birthday/Christmas/Easter etc and is brilliant with endless activities, days out, toddler groups, parks, play enter, city farms etc.

However, yet again I have had to sign the incident book tonight because the same little girl has again hurt dd. This child is about 5 months younger than dd, a lot less verbal but seems to have real problems with sharing. Dd has an inch long scar by her eye where this child scratched her because dd had the toy she wanted, she has hit her, kicked her and other general toddler stuff. I have overlooked all of it and shrugged it off as kids being kids.

Tonight however I have collected dd and had to sign again because this other little girl has bitten dd. This happened about 1230, I collected dd at 230 and it was still bright red, as if just done, so it must have been one hell of a bite. In this instance the cm told me dd had wanted the toy that the other girl had and tried to snatch it, rather than say no the other girl has bitten dd. This is the first time cm has said that dd's actions have caused he response. Normally she is completely faultless which is a surprise cos she can be a swine at home

I know cm cannot watch every last second and I have told dd off for snatching but I am starting to get really cross that dd is being hurt. The scar is very noticeable and dd is still upset by it as she will see it in the mirror and get upset saying "X scratched me mummy"

Wibu to explain to the cm at I am getting quite cross about this behaviour from the other girl and that if something isn't resolved I will have to look for alternative childcare?

Aeroflotgirl Tue 12-Apr-16 20:12:20

I think you have to, sad though it sounds, she is not keeping dd safe and managing incidents.

Only1scoop Tue 12-Apr-16 20:14:31

I wouldn't be happy.

Dd was in nursery for 3 years in that whole time only ever 1 accident slip....for a really minor fall.

Peppaismyhomegirl Tue 12-Apr-16 20:18:30

DS was in the
Childminder with a child like threat when he was little. She was a diamond and kept that child under a watchful eye and helped her grow out of it.
I would move childminders

wheresthel1ght Tue 12-Apr-16 20:18:45

Dd is a complete tomboy so I expect to be signing off on trips/falls/ climbing related stuff but she is basically being physically attacked by this other girl on what seems like a weekly basis, realistically its every couple of weeks but far more than I feel comfortable with.

They are 2, so have tried my best to brush it off as normal toddler boundary pushing but dd is really upset tonight and her had still has a clear impression of this kids teeth.

I never see the parents as I drop dd off at 730 and I think she is dropped later so I can't even say something to the parents. Not that I know what I would say!

wheresthel1ght Tue 12-Apr-16 20:21:21

Peppa I know you are right but I am gutted. Dd adores her cm, she is genuinely lovely but I guess it bugs me that she sort of laughs it off and doesn't really seem to show that she is taking it seriously.

I want to give her a chance to improve though as she really is lovely and by far one of the best on the area. But not sure how I word things

TheCrumpettyTree Tue 12-Apr-16 20:24:48

The childminder should be taking it seriously and not laughing it off. She should also be speaking to the other parents. Yanbu, you need to talk to her.

missnevermind Tue 12-Apr-16 20:26:39

Could you treat it as a safeguarding issue?
' You are concerned for Your D D's safety while in her care at the same time as The other child and you have come to the decision that one of the children need to be removed. You don't want to have to remove your child but for her safety it seems you must. '
No blame but clearly put that you are fed up of it happening.

Peppaismyhomegirl Tue 12-Apr-16 20:30:13

Of that's the case. Then have a word, speak to her honestly and openly and tell her how much you like her and value her. I loved my childminder she is like family. I know how it would feel to have had to leave her

wheresthel1ght Tue 12-Apr-16 20:30:51

Crumpety - I think because I have laughed it off in the past she is trying to make it seem a bit more lighthearted. We had some incidents last year with a different girl who happens to be my friends daughter again over friends dd not sharing well. Was easier to deal with as could just chat to my friend.

Nevermind - I think that sounds quite accusatory tbh but that could be cos I am a complete coward over confrontation

surroundedbyblondes Tue 12-Apr-16 20:31:51

DD2 was a biter sad but her nursery worked really consistently and well to teach her not to. They communicated with us pretty much daily on their progress and (this is the important bit) they watched her like a hawk to see in which situations it occured so that they could stop her before she started. This was important for both DD2's learning but especially for the safety of the other children in her group.
She grew out of it quickly and we are still good friends with the family of the little boy she used to bite grin

wheresthel1ght Tue 12-Apr-16 20:35:28

Peppa bang on - she is like family and dd absolutely adores her. All the older kids are so good with dd, they play so well together and I would be devastated to have to move her or upset the cm as I know she was upset for dd especially after the eye incident. In fairness to cm the scratch like skill she had just grazed it, was only when the mother of all scabs formed it became clear it had been a lot deeper than first thought. She was genuinely upset for dd.

I think you are right, I need to hoick up my big girl pants and have a frank, honest and calm chat with her about how we protect dd from any more harm.

Lunar1 Tue 12-Apr-16 20:36:21

The cm is not stepping in quickly enough to stop this happening. I couldn't pay for something that would get my child hurt so often.

Twistedheartache Tue 12-Apr-16 20:36:46

How old are the children?
I can see this one from both sides. DD1 was in baby room with a biter - I think I signed this accident book 4 or 5 times. It was just a phase, the nursery were doing their best, the mum was trying her best & now at 5 she definitely doesn't bite or hit now.
Otoh my Dd2 is going to be the biter/hitter and I'm already waiting for the incident when I pick her up. She's not speaking yet (hearing loss) & at nearly 18 months is starting to get frustrated. I've been warning nursery since she was a tiny baby she was a chewy one & am of course stopping her/distracting her at home but with the best will in the world nursery can't follow her around all day.
How does childminder react? Nursery would be massively apologetic to bitee family

wheresthel1ght Tue 12-Apr-16 20:38:50

Surrounded - I think if she had said "I will be doing X y z to try and prevent this" I might feel easier about it. But she may have needed to speak to the other parents before she can say that to me (dd collected first)

Am on a tight time scale tomorrow morning and there will be lots of other parents doing drop offs so will speak to her tomorrow afternoon when I collect dd. I am not looking forward to it.

Twistedheartache Tue 12-Apr-16 20:39:01

Sorry - thread moved on between me starting & finishing posting

wheresthel1ght Tue 12-Apr-16 20:43:47

Twisted - I think some of it is probably frustration. Dd is 2.7 and other little one is about 5-6 months younger and a lot less verbal than dd so part of it is that she has t the words to say what she wants and is lashing out through frustration. I do understand that but equally dd shouldn't have to be subjected to these attacks that are leaving visible scars.

Cm said she was stood there trying to tell dd to share and X had the toy first when in the blink of an eye X bit dd. How close she was to them in order to have stopped it i couldn't say.

I am guessing she was embarrassed that it was in her watch again and her reaction was a nervous one in case I kicked off. I wouldn't but I guess you never know how someone will react

longdiling Tue 12-Apr-16 20:44:00

Definitely speak to the CM. I've been in this position as a CM. I did my absolute best to protect the child who was being hurt and to work with the child who was lashing out. Despite watching them like a hawk and trying to be pre-emptive it was absolutely impossible to avoid any kind of incident at all though. I did make it clear to the parents of the hurt child that I took it very very seriously and kept them informed all along of what I was doing to deal with it. Luckily, just as I got to the point where I thought I was going to have to let the other child go things turned a corner and they are now fantastic and very rarely violent.

Be honest with your childminder about how upset you and your DD are. Ask her what she is doing to manage the behaviour and whether she feels anything more could be done.

longdiling Tue 12-Apr-16 20:48:38

Yes, this all sounds very familiar to me. The child who was violent in my setting had a severe speech delay, his behaviour changed drastically once he had speech therapy and became able to communicate.

When he lashed out it was lightening quick it really was. I could be sat on the floor between them and he would suddenly, for apparently no reason, pick up a heavy wooden toy and throw it straight at the other child's face. Or I'd have the 'victim' on my hip and bend down to speak to the other child and he'd grab him by his hair and try and pull him off me. It's very hard in a childminding setting because how can you keep the children separate?! Presumably in a nursery you would have at least two members of staff so you could keep them away from each other. Impossible when you're childminding.

wheresthel1ght Tue 12-Apr-16 20:51:04

Longdiling - thank you. I will certainly speak to her. Dd is more upset about the mark on her face than the bite. That has barely been mentioned. In fact I said to her when we got home "show daddy what happens at cm's" and she pointed to her face and told him X had scratched her.

I would rather find a way to work with the cm than have to find another in part cos no one else has places as friend has been looking to go back to work and I can't afford nursery prices. Dd is happy and settled but I think I need to make cm aware that I can't have dd keep coming home with injuries

MrsUnderwood Tue 12-Apr-16 20:52:50

My DD has a fantastic CM and I'd be absolutely gutted if I had to move her elsewhere. However I would be very unhappy if my kid was being repeatedly hurt by another child under her care and I'd want to know exactly how she planned to tackle it in the future to avoid more injuries.

wheresthel1ght Tue 12-Apr-16 21:06:05

Mrsunderwood - that's what I want to say to her but am struggling to find the right way to say it without it spoiling the relationship we have with her.

StepintotheLightleave Tue 12-Apr-16 21:15:07

my dc have never been at child minder or nursery pre 3 years, but they have been to play groups, have little friends from nct and my friends, and been in plau ground and basically round ther DC and I could probably count on my hand the amount of times they have been hurt and literally touch wood nothing memorable, and no bites.

I think you need t remove your emotions - and look at this coldy and critically. your dd is being hurt on a regular basis in a small setting. Your paying for this and your paying for the care and safety of your DD which you are not getting.

speak to the CM but in my view this should have all been spoken about before you have had to approach yourself.

god luck

wheresthel1ght Tue 12-Apr-16 21:21:34

Stepintothelight - I didn't say much when I collected her as I wanted time to process my emotions and deal with it in exactly the way you describe. I suffer with an anxiety disorder so wanted time to think through things clearly without my being upset that my pfb had been hurt again

The petty swipes over toys etc I can excuse, if they were siblings it would probably be happening a lot! It's the scratch and now the bite that have tipped the balance. Especially as the scratch has scarred. I will try to post a pic to show.

I think logically I need to give her a chance to rectify and deal with these issues. Dd says X is her friend 'umma is still her best friend though. So I don't want to pull her out of a situation she is mostly very happy in.

It is nice to know I am not bu and thank you because you have helped me look at it from a distance.

wheresthel1ght Wed 13-Apr-16 06:34:28

The scratch on her face was 3 weeks ago and the hire I have taken this morning and still looks sore!

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