Would really appreciate an impartial perspective on this please. I am the youngest of seven siblings now aged mid forties to early fifties. As youngsters we were all quite close apart from one brother - J - who was always quite insular and never really had much of a relationship with me. As we grew up, we all moved away from our home town in Scotland. My siblings all live within an hours drive of each other but I have been in London for past 20 years, so haven't seen much of the others (too far for them to travel here apparently although I have gone back up to Scotland each year) but we have seen each other at christenings/weddings etc and send christmas/birthday presents (apart from J). J has been married to P, a very cold and unfriendly woman for many years and they have lived a very different lifestyle from mine. They both had good, well-paid jobs, a nice house, fantastic holidays, no children, very heavy drinkers and made no secret of the fact they had an open marriage and both had affairs. They never showed the slightest interest in my life or in my three children - not saying they should have but illustrates the depth of our relationship.
A few years ago, the alcohol started to have a serious impact. J lost his job, they lost the house and moved into rented accommodation. I did not see or hear from him for a couple of years but found out last year that he has been diagnosed with a terminal illness - he may last a few years but there is no chance he will recover. I flew up to visit him and was really shocked to discover how they were living. The flat is squalid and dilapidated and both he and P have become really lax in terms of personal hygiene. They were both bad tempered, critical of everyone and everything and clearly there was no love left between them. I admit that although I felt very sorry for J, I was quite relieved to get away.
Since then I have kept in touch by phone. It now seems that P has left J and gone to live with another man, leaving J to cope with his condition on his own. Obviously he is quite vulnerable and it is likely that he is not attending hospital appointments or taking his medication appropriately.
Last week, one of my other siblings contacted me. She lives an hours drive from J and has been visiting him for an afternoon once a fortnight since P left. However, she more or less told me that it was now my turn to do my bit and that as I am not currently working (was made redundant last Christmas and still considering what to do next) and as my youngest is now at university, she thinks I should bring J down to London to live with me for "a while" so that I can support and supervise his medical needs.
I do feel very sorry for him but also feel horrified at the thought of having a bad-tempered, alcohol dependant, unhygienic, middle-aged man who in truth I hardly know coming to live with me. I also dread that if he does come to London he will not want to go back up to Scotland and there will be no-one there who will be keen to have him back. I had been looking forward to a new future for myself with the children away, more time with my DH and perhaps a new career and I can now see that all disappearing. I know I sound like a selfish, miserable person for not wanting to take care of my brother. Perhaps I am. What do you think?
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AIBU?
aibu not to take care of my brother
91 replies
Tigerpaws57 · 12/04/2016 18:43
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